After I left Holden, I'd walked home, fighting my way along the overgrown bush track to the main road. I couldn’t get back in the car with, even if the walk home killed me.
Once I got to the road, I probably could've got a ride with someone but that would've meant talking to them. They'd remember me from high school and want to know what I'd been doing, asking me a ton of questions. It was only 5km home. I could walk it.
The last thing I wanted when I arrived home was questioning from Mum. It was like poking at a raw wound. I flinched but she didn't even notice.
"How's he dealing with things?" she asked. "I thought it was strange, you going out for a run this morning. You had plans to meet him, didn't you? Did he tell you if it was an accident or not?"
"I didn't ask." I tried to keep my voice even. If I lashed out, the questions would never end. "I need a shower."
“It’s good that you saw him.”
I stopped on my way out the door, so sick of this.
“That’s rich coming from you. After telling me he was no good, that I should have nothing to do with him. Badmouthing him every chance you got, now you think it’s good I saw him? Because he’s rich and he’s famous. Isn’t that a bit hypocritical?”
Mum sighed. “He’s changed. People do. Everyone deserves a second chance.”
I walked out and slammed the door behind me, like I had a million times before.
Once I got in the shower, I let myself cry, even though I’d thought I’d cried every tear I had. Had I done the right thing? When I'd walked off on Holden, I felt like I was walking out of his life forever.
First thing I needed to do was get back to work. I'd lolled around for far too long. After my shower, I put on my PJs. All the ones I'd packed were in the wash but I found some old ones Mum hadn't thrown out. They were indecently tight over my boobs but no one would see me.
I rang Alex.
“I’m ready to come back,” I said.
“And the issues?”
“The issues are there but I can work on them.” I bit my lip, waiting for his answer. I needed that place in my life. I needed it so badly. If Alex didn’t want me back, I’d be trapped in limbo, my nightmares of being stuck in this town would become frighteningly real.
"Thank fuck. I wondered if you'd dropped off the planet." Alex exhaled. "The place has been a nightmare since you left. Come back as soon as you can."
"It might be a day or two." Even after my freak out, I wanted to go to Holden's dad's funeral. The man had been a train wreck and I'd never thought much of him but it would be the right thing to do, like Dad had said. I wasn't sure if many other people from the town would go and, if they did, it'd only be out of idle curiosity.
I guess the man had tried his best. He'd been a shit father and a shit husband but he'd stuck around. Even with Holden's mum screwing half the guys in town. I guess Holden never had much of a role model there.
Shit, I’d been so blind. That was it, the reason he was always so nice, the reason he cared so much about what every random person thought of him. It wasn’t because he was interested in them, not in that way. He tried, with everything he did, to be the opposite of his family, even if it meant going too far in the other direction.
"A couple of days is fine. I guess. But Mark has to go," Alex said. "He's useless. He moves things around behind the bar for no reason."
Even with the sick thud eating away at my stomach, I grinned. “I know, right. I’ve told him a thousand times. We could get Babs –”
“No way, you’re not poaching my upstairs staff.”
I laughed. No matter what else happened, Trouble was a constant in my life. That place and those people were my family. That’s what Holden needed. His own family, one he made. I’d have thought he’d at least have found something like that with his band but he hadn’t.
I sat on the bed and tried to read a book. I only had kids; books. Horse books, I'd been obsessed at one time. All I'd wanted was a horse. Then I went near one and realized they were big, smelly things that shit everywhere. Ha, that was a metaphor for my love life if ever there was one.
Still, it was some easy reading to take me away from my current problems.
I'd almost drifted off to sleep when something hit my window. I knew that sound. Holden. He always threw rocks at my window when he wanted me to come out. I tried to ignore it but the next rock hit louder. I turned the page in my book. If I opened the window, I'd just get myself further into this mess with no way out.
The next rock nearly broke the window. Fuck, I needed to stop him before my parents rang the cops.
I opened the window just as the next rock came flying. I ducked to miss it and the window frame crashed down.
"Carlie, what's going on in there?" Mum called.