“Susan, can I sign up for the hike today or is it too late?” I asked as everyone started to get checked back into the treatment center.
The holiday had been good for some people and not so good for others. Both Brad and Stan had returned for a refresher after using since they were out. It was hard to imagine that after being at the facility for so long that they could actually not stay sober. It was eye opening to me for sure. As was the conversation I had had with Cassidy at her parents’ house.
Being seen as lazy wasn’t something I was used to people telling me. In fact, when I had been building my business, I was working so much that my staff had told me to take a vacation before I had a heart attack. It became very apparent to me after my conversation with Cassidy that I lived in extremes. Either I was doing everything, or nothing. Either I was an over ac
hiever, or achieving nothing. And if that was my personality – and I knew it was – then I’d rather be doing everything and be an over achiever.
There were plenty of activities I could have been doing while at the treatment center, but I hadn’t signed up for them. Instead, I had opted to spend as much time in bed sleeping and avoiding everyone else on the unit.
But that time was over. Instead of being lazy, I was going back to my active self. I could only imagine how much easier being active would be if I wasn’t drunk or high on some substance.
“Sure, I’ll get you on the list. The weather is pretty bad, though, so you’ll have to bundle up. I think Melinda had a list around here somewhere.”
“Thanks. And isn’t there a yoga class sometime? I’d like to give that a try also.”
“Yes, they do yoga every morning at six,” she said with a smile.
Both Susan and I knew that I never woke up early. Mornings were like my kryptonite, but I wanted to try something new.
There was a new drive in me to actually make myself proud. Sure, it had started with Cassidy’s comments to me, and at first I had been incredibly offended. But there was some truth in what she said. I was comfortable being the lazy computer nerd type of guy. Although my body was naturally in decent shape and I still liked to lift weights at my office to blow off steam, I certainly wasn’t all that physically healthy.
Not only was I going to start participating in more of the physical things that were offered at Paradise Peak, I was also going to put some real hard effort into group sessions. I had been holding back in those for a variety of reasons, but I knew everyone in my group sessions now. There was no longer a reason to stay quiet. It was time for me to push through and see what all I could get out of my time at the center.
“Sign me up,” I said enthusiastically.
“Okay,” the nurse said skeptically as she added my name to a list. “Now, this is the kind of enthusiasm I like to see.”
Her comment warmed my heart. That was the type of feeling I wanted more often. Being noticed for doing something good was one of my favorite feelings and I hadn’t even realized it.
While I was building my tech company, I used to love when people looked shockingly at me and didn’t believe I was old enough to run a business. Their dismay and shock was uplifting to me. That element of surprise was a way I often boosted my ego.
The more I thought about my past, the more I realized that I often put on fake, shocking events in the hopes of people thinking I was better than I really was. Once, I had hired a famous musician and his band to play at my party, then went around telling everyone that he was there as a friend and we were really close. It was a stupid lie and only impressed people who I didn’t know. The band had cost over $100,000 and only played for 90 minutes.
I was kind of a douchebag, I concluded as I started adding up the lies and stories I had told over the years. And that was only when I thought about my professional life and my friends; if I dared to think about how I treated the women I slept with, those memories almost made me sick to my stomach.
One time, a girl came pounding on my front door. She yelled at me for a good five minutes about not having morals and not caring who I hurt. When she was finally done yelling, I apologized for sleeping with her and hurting her feelings in a hope she would leave. But I hadn’t slept with her; the woman had been yelling at me for what I had done to her best friend and for breaking the best friend’s heart. I hadn’t even known if I had slept with the woman who was yelling at me.
My love life was non-existent. Instead of a love life, it was a sex life. There hadn’t been emotions or love involved. There was no moral compass, at all.
I wasn’t sure if I had a clearer moral compass now, but I did know that I wanted to do better in my personal life. Business would always work itself out, but my personal life was where the joy had to come from. If I ever wanted to be an old married man with a wife who loved me, I had to make some changes.
“Where you going?” Cassidy asked as I layered my clothes and readied for the hike.
“I’m hiking. I’ll catch you later.”
“Okay, but I’d like to talk to you about what happened at my house.”
“I had a great time,” I said as I leaned in to her. “But you shouldn’t be talking about that here or you’ll get in trouble.”
“We can talk later,” she said.
She seemed unsure of herself and what she wanted to talk about, but I knew she wanted to talk about me leaving early. It really wasn’t meant to be rude or anything like that. I just didn’t need another day in her house to realize I still had a lot of work to do.
“Where’s everyone at?” I asked as I waited with Melanie to leave for the hike.
“It’s very cold out today. I think people are changing their mind about hiking.”
“I’m still game if you are.”