“Totally understand. You’re not really my cup of tea, either. If I’m being totally honest.”
“What? Shut up,” I said as I stood up.
“No, I’m serious. You’re freakishly beautiful. I could never date a woman like you. Man, I’d be freaked out all the time that people were looking at you and then wondering why you stooped so low to date a wretch like me. I couldn’t handle it.”
“You’re seriously crazy.” I laughed.
“Actually, I’m pretty sure they cleared me of being crazy.”
He was funny. I loved that. I had my own sarcastic wit that was sometimes hard for people to understand, so it felt good that he got it. I hated when I was being sarcastic and someone just looked at me with a blank stare like I had just said the most horrible thing ever. Sarcasm was definitely an acquired taste.
“I’m going to get dried off and finish up my charting here. You need to get dried off and pack. I’ll leave my address on a piece of paper in your room later.”
“This is so clandestine. I feel like you’d make a good CIA agent. Wait, maybe you already are an agent and this is all some ploy to get me over to your house so you can have your way with me.”
“Why would a CIA agent want you?” I laughed.
“Hey, they might. I’m really good with technology.”
“For now, I don’t want you. Let’s just have a good holiday. Okay?”
I really did want him. I knew he knew that. But I wasn’t ready to go for it. There were damn morals still in my way. Maybe it was perfectly okay to date a patient, or maybe it wasn’t. But I knew as a recovering alcoholic that having any sort of relationship with someone wasn’t recommended when you were first in recovery. All your time needed to be spent on yourself and that was it. I would be a hypocrite if I tried to get Erik to pay attention to me.
As we walked through the frigid air and back into the building, our little date night was over and we were flush with reality again. Guilt was the driving emotion as we walked back onto the unit. I saw how Kaitlin looked at me and I wanted to tell her what was going on, but certainly couldn’t do that after our night out on the town.
Kaitlin had tried to fix me up with a guy, and I had refused her. We went around and around over Erik, also. I told her it was because I wasn’t ready. I went on and on how my sobriety was a priority in my life and I wasn’t going to mess that up. I had made such a big scene of the issue that she would certainly have been pissed if I came out an admitted to actually liking him.
I gathered my things, finished my work, changed, and dropped off my address in Erik’s room as he ate out in the main area with the other patients. I had to get home and explain my made up story for why Erik would be coming over to the house for Christmas and why he’d need to spend the night.
Most of the people in my AA group were local, so surely they wouldn’t need to stay the night with me. I hadn’t exactly figured that part of the lie out yet. I hoped it would come to me as I went home.
I tried to seem nonchalant about what I was about to ask my parents. Lying to them had never been my thing. I actually hated to have to lie to them, but I knew if I told them the truth, my father would totally freak out. He didn’t like that I was an addict, and he would be very disappointed if I brought a boy home who was also an addict.
It was only because he loved me and wanted the best for me, I knew that. My mother wouldn’t be happy, either, but at least she would try to be happy if she knew it was important to me. My father, on the other hand, was stubborn and wouldn’t bend very easily to the idea.
“Mom, I’ve got a friend coming over from AA tonight. He didn’t have a place to go.”
“Where’s he from?”
The dreaded question that I knew was coming up. She was such a smart woman. There really was no getting things past her at all.
“He’s been living in New York and his cousin is vacationing here. He didn’t want to intrude in their small hotel room for the holiday.”
“And he’s your friend?”
Damn, my mother and her logic. Surely, I could have friends from other parts of the country, it was the twenty-first century. But I had to think of a reasonable expectation of how we could be friends.
“Yes, Mom. People meet online and know each other now. It’s weird, I know,” I said as I dramatically rolled my eyes. “He had posted in a forum I’m in and said he was going to be in town and needed the AA times. When he showed up a couple of days ago, we got to know each other.”
“Okay, honey, he can come over. He’ll have to sleep on the couch, though. Your father started painting the spare bedroom.”
“All right. Thanks, Mom.”
I breathed a sigh of relief as my mother bought into the story. If she liked Erik, then it would be all over. She wouldn’t ask another question about how we met and we would be in the clear. But if she didn’t like him, if my mother thought something strange was going on, then she would grill Erik throughout our meal until he eventually caved in and admitted who he was. My relief would only last as long as dinner that evening.
Once my mom was well enough informed, I hustled to my room to take a shower and get ready before Erik arrived. I didn’t want to be wearing my scrubs and looking like a hot mess when he showed up at the house. I actually wanted to look pretty.
Working at the rehab center, I had never really cared what I looked like. I often kept my hair in a ponytail and didn’t do my makeup. The required scrubs kept me from worrying too much about what I wore and I liked it like that.