After my mother’s death, religion no longer had a place in my life. I didn’t have time to pray to a God who wouldn’t listen to me. I didn’t have the energy to think that someone was going to make things better for me. Instead, I took on the mentality that only I could make life better for myself. I couldn’t count on God, I couldn’t count on my family; the only person I could count on was myself.
“You know, all that religious stuff,” I replied.
“Hey man, I understand. I’m not all that religious either. Why not give it a try and if you don’t like it, you don’t have to come back next time. We only meet a couple times during the week. It’s not a required meeting, so you won’t lose points or gain points based on attendance.”
Normally, I would have said no. Hell, even if he had asked me earlier that morning I probably would have said no. But I had spent the whole day participating in groups and meetings and I just figured what could one more meeting hurt? I was on a roll and decided to give it a try.
“All right, I’ll come, but I’m just going to chill, if that’s all right.”
“You can participate as much as you want.”
Jarrod seemed pretty proud of himself for luring me into coming to his AA meeting. I wanted to tell him not to get so damn excited; I wouldn’t be going to any others, but I decided to just sit quietly and see what happened. He was a good guy who clearly wanted to help me.
“Hey, everyone, I hope your night is going well,” Stan said as he got up and started the meeting.
It was a bit of a shocker to see Jarrod sitting in the seats and Stan up front leading, but I just went with the flow. I didn’t know what to expect at one of these meetings.
“I’m Stan. I’m and alcoholic, it’s been twenty-eight days since I had a drink,” Stan continued on.
“Hi, Stan,” the group said in unison.
“Tonight, I wanted to talk about a phone call I had with my daughter. It went really poorly. That’s putting it lightly. Actually, she cried and screamed and told me I was a horrible father to her during her entire life.”
Stan looked down for a moment to compose himself. I hadn’t seen much emotion at all from the man since I had been on the unit with him. He normally kept pretty much to himself and didn’t interact much more than the usual pleasantries. I felt bad that his daughter would say such horrible things to her own father.
“You know the part about the call that hurt me the most though?” Stan asked as he looked back up at the group. “She was right. Every single word she said was exactly right. When she was young, I was on tour. I barely stopped back at home. My wife, well my ex-wife, finally got sick of it and left me.
“But she was damn good to me. Anytime I was in town, my ex offered to let me have Rosie. She would even bring Rosie to my tour bus when I was close to town. But I couldn’t be bothered by a little girl. I was rotten.”
“You’re a good man, Stan,” Kimber yelled out. “We know you mean well.”
“Thanks, Kimber, but is meaning well and doing well actually the same thing? I’ve been off the road for five years now. I drink more than I eat. I never go to my daughter’s house and visit with her. I’m a grandfather, you know. But I wouldn’t trust myself around little children. I’m useless, and I don’t want to be like that.
“I want to be the kind of grandpa that the kids beg to come see. I want to offer to watch her children for a weekend and let her and her husband have some time together. I’m not here just for me this time. I’m going to get sober because I want to be remembered for doing something better than playing the damn drums.” Stan was starting to tear up. “Well, I guess that’s all I had to say. Thanks for listening.”
“Thanks for sharing, Stan,” Jarrod said as he stood up and patted Stan on the back.
I was moved by Stan’s story. He seemed to really care about his daughter now, and I couldn’t help but hope they would work things out. I had noticed that everyone was really supportive in all of my group sessions. It was a new thing for me, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it just yet, but I could see how that support was helping others.
“Does anyone else have anything to share?” Jarrod asked the group.
“My last boyfriend hit me. I don’t care that my current boyfriend doesn’t have a job and is old. I feel safe with him,” Kimber said as she stood up.
Everyone froze and looked at her in shock as they waited for her to elaborate or ask a question. But she didn’t say anything else and just sat back down.
“Thanks for sharing, Kimber.”
I saw Jarrod look toward me, and I avoided his gaze almost instantly. I didn’t have a thing to share at all. I wasn’t going to spill my personal business there in a group with a bunch of addicts. Sure, I had attended the other groups throughout the day, but they had asked questions about sobriety, support systems, and making plans for the future. We hadn’t shared our fears or hopes and certainly nothing as personal as what Stan and Kimber had shared.
A few other people shared their stories as I sat quietly and listened. It was brave of them to reach out to others, but I didn’t need that in my life. I was simply at the rehab facility so I could relax and refocus before going into the movie business. I didn’t need all the sharing and mumbo jumbo. I knew myself and I knew how to move forward.
Drugs and alcohol had been fun, but I could give them up. Hell, I had even gone through some bad withdrawals when I arrived, so surely I wasn’t going to start back up with that stuff when I got home. I was pretty positive that I wasn’t going to have any trouble staying sober when I finally left the facility.
As the meeting ended, I snuck out the back and tried to make it back to my room before Jarrod saw me. I knew he was going to want to ask me how I liked the meeting and I didn’t want to have to lie to him. It was uncomfortable. The truth about the AA meeting was that everything in there made me uncomfortable.
I didn’t like the way everyone answered things in unison; it felt like some sort of cult. I didn’t like what I felt was over-sharing when people stood up and talked about their personal life. AA meetings seemed even more intimate than regular group sessions.
The only thing I could say that I liked about the AA meeting was that there was a lot less God and preaching in it than I had expected. The other observation I had was that the meetings seemed to be helpful to others.