“I know. I think it’s all right this time, though.”
“What’s your name? I’m sorry, I forgot. I forget things a lot nowadays.”
“I’m Erik. You’re Brad, right?”
“Yeah.”
“How long you been here?” I asked him as I tried to be a little social with the guy.
“I can’t remember.”
I laughed at first because I thought he was joking. How could someone be in a treatment facility and not remember how long they had been there? But as I looked at the serious expression on his face, I realized he was telling the truth.
“Sorry.”
“It’s all right. I fried my brain over the years. It’s my addiction. I can’t stop,” he said nonchalantly.
“Well, you’re here, right? You’re trying to stop. You look like you’re doing better than me, if that helps at all.”
“Yeah, a little,” he said as he cracked a smile.
Brad and I continued talking for a little while. He certainly had lost a few brain cells over the years, but he was a down to earth guy. It was funny to me how normal he seemed while talking to me. I had heard him throw a fit about almost every single meal he had been fed since I had been there, yet while sitting with me he seemed like a meek and mild-mannered guy.
“Brad, it’s time for group,” Cassidy said as she stood in the doorway. “Erik, you should give it a try today. I hear Melanie is going to talk about our hike yesterday.”
“How many groups do we have around here?” I grumbled as I climbed out of bed.
“A lot,” Brad answered while he walked out of the room.
“Hey, now. What else are you guys going to do with your days? Sit around and have a pity party?”
“Thanks for the breakfast. I’m sorry I didn’t feel like eating much.”
“You scared the shit out of me, you know. I couldn’t wake you up. I had to get Jarrod,” she said as her eyes watched me walk toward her.
The realization that Cassidy had seen me so vulnerable didn’t make me feel great at all. I was eroding away my cool exterior faster and faster. She wasn’t going to fall for a guy like me. She had probably been hit on by dozens of guys like me over the years. I felt a little foolish for the way I had behaved w
hen I first arrived. Of course, I wasn’t about to apologize, but I did feel bad about it.
“You saw all that?” I asked.
“I’m just glad you’re all right.”
“Thanks, doll,” I said and strolled past her.
Thanks, doll?! Oh my God, what had I just said? Cassidy was being genuinely nice and instead of just being normal, I turned into some sort of seventies player. Close, personal interactions certainly weren’t my thing.
To be honest, any emotional connection with someone wasn’t something I could do. I had no experience in it and that sort of relationship scared the hell out of me. A woman who thought she could have a real relationship with me quickly realized it would only cause her a broken heart. I didn’t have relationships. I had sex, and that was all it was. One-night stands that were fun in the bed and didn’t bother me afterwards – those were what I wanted.
“Look who decided to show up,” a woman’s voice said and was followed by clapping as I walked into the group session.
It was Kimber, and her clapping echoed throughout the room. It was sarcastic in nature, but some of the other patients followed suit and clapped, as well. Before I knew it, they were all clapping in appreciation for my attendance to group. There was an odd enjoyment in the moment. Even though it had started from sarcasm, the others had joined in to support my attending.
I playfully took a little bow and sat down in one of the chairs. Even though I felt awful, I was going to put on a good face and give the group thing a chance. If I didn’t like it, I wouldn’t go again; it seemed simple enough to me.
“Now that everyone’s here, I think we should use today’s session to talk about why we love ourselves,” Melanie said.
“Oh, I love myself every night under the covers,” I joked.