“Oh, you mean like with Bill?”
Another silence now, a longer one. I hadn’t meant to say that—I wasn’t even thinking about Bill. Except that maybe I always was, maybe there was a part of my subconscious that had locked that memory away from that night so long ago, and I carried that with me now, and it was there, in the back of my mind, every time that I met a guy I might’ve been interested in.
“What do you mean, like with Bill?”
“If there’s any reason that I haven’t been interested in guys all these years it’s because of your husband.”
“Allie, I don’t even understand what you’re trying to say. Are you overtired? Maybe you should get some sleep. I was just calling because—”
“What I’m trying to say is that Bill tried to make a pass at me one night, when I was 15. You were out with your friends or something.”
“Allie!” She sounded horrified. “Stop making things up. Why would you even say something like that?”
“Because it’s true, Mom. Because you’re all worried and shit over why I’m still a virgin, and maybe I have a good reason to be! Maybe the first guy that’s ever shown interest in me was your fucking husband, and that traumatized me and made me not want to be with anyone!”
“Don’t you dare blame us for this!” my mother snapped. “That’s absolutely ridiculous. You’re being completely unreasonable. And concocting these bizarre little fantasies about Bill is just going way too far, Allie. It was painfully obvious that you liked him when you were younger, but everyone just thought you’d grow out of that. I thought it was a good sign, in fact, because it’s normal for young girls to develop a sort of infatuation with their fathers. What is that called again? That Greek name?”
“Electra,” I said. “But that’s not it.”
“And so I didn’t try to do anything to stop it because to me that meant you were accepting Bill as part of our family,” my mother continued, as though I hadn’t said anything. “I knew several women who had been divorced and were remarried and
their children hated their stepfathers. I was relieved that it wasn’t the case with you and Bill. I felt like the three of us were really a family. It was nice.”
“You know, I might have, too, until he tried to climb into bed with me. That’s not something that normal fathers do.”
“I find it odd that I’m hearing about this now. Almost 10 years later. Why wouldn’t you tell me this when it happened? If it was so traumatizing to you, why wouldn’t it come up then? Why would you keep quiet about it?”
“Because I knew you’d react like this. I knew you wouldn’t believe me.”
“I think it’s convenient is all. You’re bringing this up now because you’re trying to come up with justifications for not getting involved with anyone. Well, I’m going to tell you right now, Allie, that you don’t need to be so dramatic about all of this, okay? I was just calling because I think that you and Cole seem to have very good chemistry together, and that I don’t think it’s something you should just slip by. Not every mother would call her daughter about this sort of thing, you know. I’m looking out for you. I’m trying to do what’s in your best interest. And you’re just hurling these baseless accusations. I’d think you’d be a little more mature.”
“Oh my God, really? I don’t even know what to say to that, Mom. This has nothing to do with me being mature. This has to do with the fact that your husband did something fucked up, and you don’t want to hear about it. Should I have told you this when it happened? Yeah, maybe I should have, but I knew you’d react like this.”
“Did anything happen, Allie?”
“Between me and Bill? No. Other than he climbed into my bed and tried to feel me up.”
“He was probably just checking in on you. I just can’t believe that if something like this had really happened that you’d keep quiet about it. And Bill is not some child molester. He’s not some pedophile or something. God! Do you hear what you’re suggesting?”
“I was 15. It’s not like I was 5.”
“I think I’m going to get off the phone now, Allie. This whole conversation is very upsetting, and I’d really rather not end my day on a note like this.”
“It’s upsetting to me that I can’t even have a conversation with you about this. I’m not trying to ruin your night, Mom, but you call me up, wanting to know why I haven’t had sex before, and I’m just trying to shed some light on the situation for you, which you totally don’t want to hear about. And I get it—it’s not the most comfortable situation to be having. But guess what? It wasn’t the most comfortable situation to be in. And then for you two to just show up like that today, completely unannounced—”
“Everyone had a wonderful time! You’re making it sound like we crashed this party of yours and totally ruined it!”
“I wasn’t expecting to see you guys. And there’s a good reason why I wouldn’t just want Bill showing up at my house like that. And now you know it. Even if you don’t believe me.”
There was another long silence. “I think it’s time I get off the phone,” she finally said, her voice tight. “Goodnight, Allie.”
“Bye,” I said.
I put the phone back on the bedside table and lay back down, but there was no way I was going to be able to fall asleep now. I felt way too worked up. I knew she would react like that if I told her about Bill. That she’d deny it, make excuses, and ultimately, not believe a word that I was saying. I wondered, though, if she’d crawl in bed next to him tonight and lay there, wondering if there was a shred of truth to what I’d told her. I doubted that she would ask him about it, but then again, she might. And he’d deny it, and then they’d both forget about it, and it would be as if nothing had ever happened to begin with.
I got up. Outside, there was enough moonlight that it was casting shadows, though it wasn’t completely full the way it had been that night Cole and I had sat up by the lake. Still, there was certainly enough to see by. I grabbed a pair of running shorts and put them on, then slipped my feet into my shoes. I stepped outside into the cool night air, and I started to jog down the street. At the end of the road, I turned left and kept going. I’d been all ready to fall asleep right before my mother had called, but now sleep felt like it was miles away.
It was nice being out late like this, though, when there was no one else around. The few houses I ran by were either dark or illuminated by the bluish glow from a TV. As I ran, I tried to think of how I would react if I had a daughter and she told me something like that. I sure as hell wouldn’t tell her that I didn’t believe her or that she must’ve been making it up.