He said that he was confused about what had happened, but like me, he didn't deny that it had felt right. But like Anne, he was very concerned about the implications that it might have for my volleyball career. His solution was to simply pretend like it hadn't happened.
I admit it. It stung a little...it did. But at the same time, I knew why he was saying that. He wanted to protect me, and he wanted to do the right thing for us both – and that meant keeping his job safe and my volleyball career safe.
I typed out a quick reply, agreeing with what he'd said and emphasizing that we couldn't cross that line again. Ever. I felt my throat tightening up and tears stinging at the corners of my eyes as I typed it. When my thumb hovered over the send button, I almost felt like I was gonna need to sit down. It was a little unsettling how pushing this man away was affecting me.
But this was the reality of our situation, and there was no way I could pretend otherwise. I simply had to accept how things were. He was my coach, and that's all he could be, as much as each of us might have wanted more. Anne was right. I had my career to think about, and my degree, and my mom – and his job was on the line. We both understood what was at risk, and we couldn't throw it away.
I hit send.
Then I sat down on the grass, feeling too weak and a little sick to my stomach to do anything else. Not exactly the most logical reaction. I lay back and stared up at the sky, watching the clouds drift by overhead, wishing I could forget the way being close to him had made me feel.
My phone buzzed, and I read the reply from Wade with tears in my eyes. Not that I’d expected otherwise, but he’d agreed with all that I’d said and that would be the end of things between us. I didn't know how to reply or what to say – so I didn't say anything at all. I just slipped my phone back into my bag and continued to stare up at the clouds in silence.
Chapter Fourteen
Wade
I didn't hear from Eryn for the rest of the weekend, which was probably a good thing. As much as that kiss had been occupying my thoughts, I under
stood that it wasn't meant to be. At least, most of me did. The logical part, anyway.
I couldn't be selfish here. This wasn’t about me. I reminded myself that if Eryn were to be with me, not only would she put her entire future at risk, but I'd be putting my own future at risk, as well…not to mention my job.
Florida was meant to be a fresh start for me, a chance to get over the mess my life had become on the West Coast. If I were to start a relationship with my star player, it would just throw me right back into a life of scandal and controversy – and that was the last thing I wanted.
Still, even though I knew all of this, it was almost impossible to get my mind off Eryn. After being drawn to her from the moment I saw her, that kiss had sealed the deal. It had been powerful, intense, and in that one moment, all of my repressed feelings for her – and it seemed her feelings for me – were released and then resolved themselves gloriously. I couldn't remember ever feeling so comfortable with a woman, so right.
Life sure could be cruel sometimes.
Despite that we both understood we couldn’t pursue this thing, in the back of my mind, I was still praying that there would be some way things could work out between us. Not that there was a chance in hell of that happening.
The best thing I could do would be to simply concentrate on my job – and even though that meant seeing what I wanted so badly on an almost daily basis, getting lost in coaching and the game was definitely something that would help distract me from this misery.
*****
Monday afternoon, I walked into practice with my head held high, my mind as focused on the game and training as it could be, and got to work.
The girls were all waiting as I stepped onto the court, warmed up and ready to go. Eryn was there, of course, but she and I both avoided eye contact. Neither of us wanted to make this any more awkward than it was already.
“Girls!” I said sharply. “Before we get started, I just want to say that you all rocked it on Saturday! That game was a killer start to the season. And for that reason, there's no way in hell I'm letting anyone slack off.
“We are going to work even harder than before. You're good, yes, but if you let that go to your heads, you'll get complacent, you'll get overconfident, and you won't be hungry anymore. And do you understand what that will lead to?”
“Losing!” they all replied in unison.
“Exactly. So, I hope you are all ready...ready to get broken down, and then rebuilt into pure, volleyball machines! Are you ready?!” I shouted.
“Yes, Coach!” they all replied.
“I can't hear you. Are you ready for this?!”
“YES, COACH!” they shouted in response.
“That's what I like to hear. All right, we're gonna start out with three laps around the whole area here! And I'm gonna make it interesting! The three girls that come in last get to do 20 push-ups! Got it?”
“YES, COACH!”
“The start is over by the door. And don't worry ladies, I'm not gonna sit here like a lazy asshole on the sidelines and watch you work; I'm gonna get right in there and run with you!”