Delilah: That was a little joke my friend and I put on my profile. I don’t actually own a cat or a cat sweater.
Brandon: What! False advertising. I can’t talk to you if you don’t actually own a cat sweater. Man, that was a huge selling point.
I paused our conversation for a minute while I looked through his profile a little closer. If I could have designed my ideal man, physically at least, it would have been Brandon. He was six-two with medium-brown hair cut in a trendy, short style. His light-green eyes popped out from every picture on his profile, and I was pretty sure the guy was incapable of taking a bad picture. Even the one of him crossing the finish line at the Boston Marathon had him looking epically handsome.
Brandon: Did I lose you?
Delilah: Sorry, I’m still here. I’m actually at work right now so I probably should get back to working…lol.
Brandon: Then we should meet for a drink sometime?
I froze as I stared at my computer screen. Did I want to go on a date with this guy? He was handsome and seemed pretty normal, but I wasn’t sure my head was in the right place for dating. Suddenly the whole interaction got real and I freaked out. No, I wasn’t ready to go on a real date. I couldn’t handle that.
Quickly, I closed out of the window and went back to work without replying to him. I clicked my profile back to hidden so no one could message me or see my profile. I was just going to have to fix my error without the active profile on there. I certainly couldn’t risk him messaging me and me having to explain why I had just disappeared.
My hands shook as I tried to type the code fixes into the computer. With adrenaline rushing through my body, I had to stop and sip some water while I cleared my head a little.
I pulled a family photo out of my wallet and tears started to pour down my face while I looked at how happy Spencer and I were when Connor was born. There really hadn’t been any happier moment in my entire life than when they placed my son in my arms with Spencer right there by my side.
My stomach churned with guilt over just talking to Brandon. Logically, I knew that I wasn’t cheating on Spencer. I’d had a few men in my bed since he had passed away. None of them had sparked such a rush of emotion as my brief conversation with Brandon, though.
Brandon seemed to be a normal guy who I actually would have dated before I met Spencer. He obviously had a decent job, since he had paid for a premium membership on our website, and I noticed he had a full consultation coming up with our Director of Love. Those meetings were only for truly elite clients, so Brandon had to be at least a millionaire if he qualified for that meeting.
Beyond his financial stability, he was really handsome, funny, and liked to run as much as I did.
Guilt wasn’t really a logical feeling for me to have since my husband had been gone several years, but maybe it was because I hadn’t met a guy I actually wanted to date before. The men in my life over the last couple years had been what I liked to refer to has place holders. They stood in for what I needed at the moment without pushing a relationship agenda.
The problem was that Brandon was on a dating website: he actually wanted a real relationship with someone and I had responded to his messages. My stomach continued to churn as I went back to figuring out my coding error on our profiles.
“It looks like it didn’t go well,” Mattie said as she came back from lunch.
Her face drooped apologetically as I tried to explain what had happened. The conversation had gone pretty well. The problem was that I hadn’t mentally prepared myself to have a good conversation with an emotionally available man. My spur of the moment decision had me swirling with emotions.
“It was all right. I’m just not ready to date.”
“You are ready! Don’t even tell me this. Come on now – Connor is in school; you’re doing great at work. It’s time for you to get out on the market for real. Like an actual date where you have a drink and eat some food.”
“I’ve had a drink with guys before,” I protested.
“Standing at the bar while they flirt with you and convince you to go back to their place, is not dating.”
“I know, I know. I just don’t think I’m ready.”
“Okay, let’s assume you’re right. When will you be ready? What exactly are you waiting for?”
“I don’t know. Isn’t it too soon? I don’t want t
o fall in love with some guy and look like the horrible widow who rushed out to find a second husband.”
“Del, it’s been four years. I guarantee no one is going to say you rushed out to find a husband. Hell, even Spencer’s parents tried to fix you up last Christmas. If your own late husband’s family is trying to find you a guy, that’s a clear sign you have a green light for dating.”
I had to laugh at the memory of Mary and Steve trying to fix me up with their accountant. They had invited him to a New Year’s Eve party that was a couple’s-only party, then they invited me. The poor guy ended up sitting next to me and talking about my son’s pre-school mishaps all evening long. I certainly wasn’t a fascinating date.
Mary and Steve were literally the most perfect in-laws in the world. They came over and took Connor for fun weekend trips. They babysat for me whenever my babysitter flaked out and always made me feel loved, no matter what was going on in my life.
I was so lucky they were in Los Angeles with us; I never would have stayed in town after Spencer’s death if they hadn’t been there to help me. My family had begged me to come back to Idaho, but I had just started at Dating the Rich and I really loved the warm California weather. It was a difficult decision to stay in sunny California, but was made easier by my in-laws.
“I’ll consider it. I’m not saying I’d date this guy, but I will consider going on a real date soon.”