“I understand. Would you like to talk to me about it?”
“Have you ever had these feelings?”
“Of course. I’m an old man; I’ve had them more than once. Like I said, we’re human, too.
“You’re very young, Jace, and your body is going through the same things that other men your age are going through. Your mind knows that you’re married to our Lord, but your body doesn’t. As a priest, you expect that since you love our Lord so much, it will be easy to uphold your vows.
“But again, we’re just like any other men. How many men break their vows to their wives? We hear it in confession all the time. And, what do we hear them say it over and over?”
I knew what I heard them say. “They tell me that they still love their wives and that it was just sex…it didn’t mean anything.”
“Exactly, and I believe them. It doesn’t make it right, but I believe they mean it. I also believe that you thinking about breaking your vows when you look at a young, beautiful woman with your young body doesn’t mean you don’t love your Lord God.”
“It doesn’t, Father John. I love God as much as ever. My love for Him has gotten me through so much. Like I said, I’m just confused…and I’m worried. I’m worried that I’m going to ruin my relationship with Him, and that I’ll regret it for as long as I live.”
I’m also worried that I’ll regret not getting to have Daphne again for just that long.
“Being here is proof to me that you want to deal with this and stay true to your vows. But you and I both know that God doesn’t need to see proof. He knows what’s in your heart and your head. He knows you’re struggling. Talk to him, Jace. Pray hard. And in the meantime, if you need to talk before the meeting, you’re always welcome to come to me.”
His words made me feel better. I knew everything he said before he said it, but I had needed to hear it said out loud. “Thank you, Father John. I appreciate your help more than I can tell you.”
“I wish I could do more, son. Just please don’t be so hard on yourself. Please, remember that it’s okay to be human.”
That’s the part I’d been struggling so hard with. I wanted to be a good priest and a good Catholic and a good example, but throughout it all, I’d forgotten to remember that I was also a good human, and even a good human is not perfect, but can be forgiven. I thanked Father John again and left there about 10 pounds lighter than I’d gone in.
The next several days, I managed to make it through without one single carnal thought. I didn’t not think about Daphne, that was too much to ask, but I only thought about her in terms that a Catholic priest could be proud of. I hoped that she was doing well and I hoped that she would make it for Church on Sunday — that sort of thing. I did think about how pretty she is, but fully clothed, in dry clothes.
I went to the meeting on Wednesday, and I found out by listening to the other priests that I wasn’t as much of a freak as I had thought I was. Even the older priest there talked about having feelings of lust.
One priest confessed to being in love with the same woman for 10 years. He claimed to have done nothing about it, but she’s his neighbor and there was something in his eyes when he talked about her that told me maybe he did cross the line. Or maybe I just wanted that to be the case so I didn’t feel like the only one who was going straight to hell in a handbasket.
Thursday evening, as I was thinking about what I should have for dinner, there was a knock on my door. I was surprised to pull it open and find Lily standing there with a picnic basket in one hand and a bottle of sparkling cider in the other.
I hadn’t heard from her since church on Sunday. She had stopped to say hello and asked again if I wanted to go out to dinner. She asked in front of other parishioners, so I’d brushed her off. I recovered from my surprise and said, “Hey, Lily! What’s up?”
She flashed me her cutest smile. One thing about Lily is she knows she’s cute. She’d not just cute…she’s hot — drop dead gorgeous hot. She’d never had any problems with poor self-esteem. If anything, she had a little too much self-esteem and it bordered on being full of herself.
I’ve always thought that the fact I turned her down was worse for her than actually accepting we couldn’t be together. I’d wounded her ego, and her ego wasn’t used to that.
Part of what attracted me to Daphne is that she doesn’t have that kind of ego. She could stand to have a lot more self-esteem, but that wasn’t even it. She thinks of others more than herself. Lily always had an ulterior motive.
“I br
ought dinner and a movie. Have you eaten yet?”
“Um…no, I was just thinking about it.” I was also really sure that this was a terrible idea.
In the meeting I’d gone to, I’d been advised not to put myself into situations that could get out of hand. Daphne was the one I really wanted, but Lily was just hot enough that the way I’d been feeling lately might push me over the edge. I wanted Daphne, but I’d have to be careful or Lily might just do.
“Well, are you going to invite me in?” She sounded annoyed that she was still standing on the doorstep.
Paranoid, I looked around to see who might be watching. No one was even out and about. “Um…I’m just not sure this is really appropriate, Lily. It’s one thing to eat out in a public place, but here in my home…”
“Oh, Jace. I’m not trying to seduce you, for God’s sake. It’s dinner and a PG-rated movie. Get your mind out of the gutter.”
She’d made me feel foolish for assuming she wanted me. She’s just so damned flirtatious all the time. The truth be told, though, that was just her personality, and maybe I was making too much of it this time.
“Come on in,” I said, stepping back from the door. “I’m sorry; this is just all new to me.”