Laughing at the memory, she said, “That’s the only way to eat a marshmallow! Those white squishy things are disgusting. But when you make them all black and crunchy…mmm, like heaven. They melt in your mouth.”
I rolled my eyes. “I like the puffy white goodness,” I told her.
“Do you remember that little cave we found?”
“Yeah,” I said, softly. “We carved our names into the wall.” She was purposely trying to take me back to the feelings I had for her. I wondered why.
“It was where you first told me you loved me.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I was so nervous about that. I wanted to tell you for weeks, but I was scared to death you would think that I was rushing things and I’d scare you away.”
As I recalled those times, the feelings I had for her seemed to be rushing back. Was that what she was looking for? Obviously, I didn’t still love her, but I could remember the feel and the taste of her lips the first time we kissed…and how badly I wanted to make love to her, even though it went against everything I believed in at that time.
I couldn’t help but wonder how I went from an idealistic young man that was so strong in his faith that he could turn down temptation to the point of losing his girlfriend who also happened to be his best friend…to a priest who had sex with a stranger. And now, looking at Lily, I was wondering what it might be like to have sex with her. Jesus, I’m a mess.
“It didn’t scare me,” she said. “I wanted to hear it, so bad. I already knew I loved you. You were hard to get over, Jace.”
She looked sad, and I got that old familiar rush of feelings I used to get each time I told her that I wouldn’t compromise my beliefs and have sex with her. “I’m sorry, Lily. I truly am. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I was so confused back then. I felt the calling, but I also felt so much for you. It was a daily struggle, trust me.”
She sucked in a deep breath and said, “You know what? Let’s not talk about that today. It’s so pretty out here. Let’s stick to remembering the good times…like that time we went swimming at midnight in t
he Charles River?”
That one was like a zinger, straight to the libido that was already stretched almost to its limits. I really thought she was doing it on purpose. “Yeah, that was another unforgettable trip. If I recall, one of us went skinny dipping that night.”
“It would have been two of us, if one of us hadn’t been so stubborn.”
I grinned. “It was damned tempting…which was exactly what you were going for.”
She stopped paddling and leaned in close to my face. For a second, I thought she might kiss me. I had to wonder why I was just sitting there, waiting for it. She didn’t kiss me, but she was definitely flirting as she said,
“You’re right; I was like Eve trying to tempt Adam into taking a bite of the apple. I wanted you so badly… I would have done just about anything to get you to make love to me.”
My blood felt like it had been heated to the boiling point. My heart was hammering against the inside wall of my chest. I could feel sweat accumulating across my brow, and things that shouldn’t be rising, were nearing half-mast. I could barely breathe until she finally sat back in her seat and began paddling again.
I wanted to close my eyes and pray. I needed some kind of guidance here, and I needed so much more strength if I was going to keep resisting temptation. I wondered if this was a test. Is the Lord testing my faith? Have I already failed in my carnal thoughts alone?
I had repented over sleeping with Daphne, but my thoughts had remained impure since that night and God knows what those are, even if no one else does. I’d dreamt of Daphne every night, and I thought about her at least 20 times a day. Not even Lily ever had that kind of effect on me.
I glanced around at the people who had come out for the trip. They all looked up to me, they respected me, and they expected me to be who I was supposed to be. They expected me to be pure enough to lead them, but instead, I was leading at least one of them, astray.
Ryan was right about one thing: I always tried to be what others wanted me to be. I always felt like I was failing miserably, too.
My eyes found Daphne. She and her friend were talking and laughing as they paddled. Something about her tugged at me deep in my soul. It wasn’t sex…or at least it wasn’t “just” sex. There was something in her eyes that reminded me of myself. That lost part of my soul that was aching to belong, but suspecting that I never would.
“Hey! Did you hear me?” Lily was looking at me strangely.
“No, I’m sorry. I was going over next Sunday’s sermon in my head.” I’d have to do one about fidelity so that I wasn’t both lying and having sex. Oh hell, I’d already been lying…about having sex. What a freaking mess. “What did you say?” Focus, Jace!
“Just that I missed those times we used to have. I miss my best friend. I haven’t had one since that I was able to talk to and had so much fun with.”
I smiled. “I feel the same way.” That part was true. She was my friend, and we did have a great time together. “The hardest part about losing you was losing that closeness we always just seemed to have right from the beginning.”
She put her hand on my arm in a “friendly” gesture…and then she stroked my skin with her thumb and said, “I’d really like to have some of those good times again.” That touch crossed the line between friendly and flirty.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Daphne