“Carla!”
“I’m sorry, it’s so much dirtier that way.”
“Forget it, I’m not telling you.”
“Oh come on, you big baby. I’m kidding. What happened since I talked to you last?”
Still sulking, I said, “He came over to my apartment and apologized.”
“Well that’s good — anti-climactic, but good, right?” I nodded and she went on to ask, “Did you accept his apology, or did you jump his hot, holy bones?”
“Carla!”
Laughing, she said, “Oh, you know I’m kidding. I’m worried about you, though. When you talk about him, you get this tone in your voice and now I can see the look in your eyes… You’ve got it bad for him, honey. You should never lose your virginity to a one-night stand. It’s too much pressure.”
“I don’t have ‘feelings’ for him. I barely know him. Maybe what you see is passionate anger. I’m angry with him over this whole thing, and I’m angry with myself. I do not ‘have it bad’ for him.” I stopped talking because she was grinning from ear to ear. “What are you smiling about?”
“Me thinks the lady doth protest too much. This is me, honey. I’m not going to judge you.”
I realized she was right. If there was one person on this earth who wouldn’t judge me, it was Carla. I really needed to talk about this to someone.
I couldn’t even confess it properly to my priest, so I said, “Okay, maybe I fell for him a little…but it’s mostly lust. I don’t know enough about him otherwise to form an opinion — except the priest part and you know what my opinion is of that.”
I took a big drink of my margarita and refilled my glass. Then, I just blurted out, “I can’t stop thinking about him. I even dream about him at night. The dreams are…well, let’s just say if they were movies, they’d be rated X.
“God has to be up there just shaking His head at me…at both of us. I keep hoping that my good Catholic behavior for the past 22 years will be enough to save my soul over this.”
Carla wiggled her eyebrows. “So, you want to tell me about these X-rated dreams?”
I narrowed my eyes at her and she said, “Oh, honey, please stop being your own worst enemy! I don’t think you’ll be held accountable for every little slip-up. You’re a good person. You’ve been a good Catholic, better than most I know. You haven’t killed anyone or hurt anyone.
“I’m pretty sure that God has already forgiven you. He knows what you’ve been through, and I don’t believe He would deny you a night of reckless abandon.”
Her words warmed my heart. I didn’t believe them, though. She loved me and was just trying to make me feel better, but that was nice. I was already sure that I could count on going straight to hell, but it was nice to know my best friend thought otherwise.
“There’s more,” I said, curling my lip. Confessing to my priest wasn’t a good option; I needed to tell someone what I’d done.
“More? You had sex with him again?” her eyes were shining like that would be a good thing. I shook my head at her and said,
“No, but I almost did. I need a big, fat, scarlet S to wear on my chest.”
It was her turn to roll her eyes. “Whatever — you’re so dramatic. You turned him down this time. There has to be some points in there for you, right?”
I fingered the side of my glass and wondered if I really wanted to admit my shame aloud. Finally, I said, “Um…probably not. I’m the one that came onto him. He turned me down. It was so humiliating.”
Carla was laughing so hard that she choked on her drink. The waiter she embarrassed earlier even came over to see if she was okay. I wanted to choke her myself. When she finally finished laughing, she s
aid, “You go, Daph! Give the girl a taste of some man candy and she can’t get enough!”
In spite of myself, I smiled. It wasn’t like I hadn’t had that thought myself. I loved that crazy girl, but it really wasn’t helping me to talk about it. “Why don’t we change the subject?” I said.
She didn’t look like she wanted to, but she kindly agreed, “Okay…so what are we going to do this weekend?”
“I’m afraid we’re not in the big city anymore. There’s not a lot to do here; there are a few local bars, no big clubs, and there is a canoeing trip with the church tomorrow. It’s in Boston at the harbor. We can drive or take the church bus.”
Carla curled her lip. “All church people?”
“I do think that’s what I mean by ‘a church trip.’”