“Why did you break up with her if you’re still in love with her?”
“Because something happened, and it made me realize how dangerous being in love could be. I guess it’s been so long since the last time that I kind of forgot. And honestly—I’ve never felt this strongly about someone before.”
“That’s interesting, then, wouldn’t you say? That you’ve found someone and you feel these intense feelings for her, yet you’ve decided to end it anyway. Tell me about that.”
“What is there to tell? My son Declan—he’s 4—we took him down to Boston for the day, to see Allie’s parents. Well, her mom and stepfather, which was kind of a big thing for me to begin with because it was like meeting her parents and all, even though I’d technically already met them. But this just seemed like a bigger deal, because here we all were, taking a road trip together, going down to hang out with her parents for the day. But that’s kind of beside the point. I guess I only bring it up to illustrate the fact that things were definitely getting more serious between the two of us. So, we were all looking forward to the day, and then Declan, he ended up getting lost. Not for that long, and he was totally fine, but he was still lost, and for those 15 minutes, it was like my entire world just stopped. And not in a good way. I had never felt so scared, so powerless, in my entire life.” I shuddered just thinking about it. “And it was my own fault. We had just come out of the museum and I stopped and gave Allie a kiss. I wasn’t paying attention to Declan because all I wanted to do in that moment was give Allie a kiss.”
“And that’s why you broke up with her?”
There seemed to be a note of surprise in Lisa’s voice, which in turn, I found surprising. Surely, she had heard worse. Surely, people had confessed much crazier things to her.
“Yes,” I said. I knew how ridiculous it sounded just saying it like this. But she hadn’t been there; she didn’t know the feelings that accompanied it. How I would never be able to even look at myself in the mirror again if something had happened. “You weren’t there,” I said. “You didn’t see what happened.”
Even I could hear how defensive I sounded, but who the hell was she to judge me? I had made this decision not for her, not for me, not for anyone but Declan. “This wasn’t what I wanted to do,” I said. “Do you think I wanted to break up with someone that I felt this strongly about? That I still have these feelings for? Do you think this is easy? Because I can tell you that it’s not. But I’m putting someone else ahead of my own wants and desires, which isn’t a bad thing, is it?”
“It depends on the situation.”
I stared at her. “So are you saying you think I did the wrong thing?”
“I’m not saying either way. All I’m saying is that sometimes, we also need to pay attention to our own wants and needs, as well. There’s a balance. Tipping it too far one way or the other is not good.”
“I know that. But in the case of raising a child, I think it’d be better to err on the side of caution. A relationship can take up a lot of time, and kids certainly take up a lot of time, and I’m a doctor, so my patients take up a lot of time...”
“So it sounds like you don’t actually have that much time for yourself. In fact, it sounds to me like you dedicate quite a lot of your time to caring for other people. Which is admirable, but if you don’t allow time for yourself to recharge and do things that you enjoy doing, you’re going to burn out.”
“I’m aware of that,” I said. “And it’s not like I don’t have time to myself. My parents take Declan out every Sunday. Not every parent has that opportunity.”
“No, they don’t. And you’re very fortunate that your parents are willing to do that.”
“They feel like—well, never mind. Yes, I know.”
“And what kind of things do you like to do?
“I usually go for a bike ride. Sometimes I’ll do things around the yard or do errands that are just easier to get done without having Declan, and on the very rare occasion, I’ll just hang out at the house and do... nothing.” Though I couldn’t remember the last time that I had done that. “I do have time for myself,” I said again.
Lisa nodded. “But what I’m hearing is that most of the activities you do are by yourself.”
I knew what she was getting at, but I decided to play dumb. “Isn’t that what the whole point of it is? Time to myself? I do have friends, too. Well, friend is more like it, but that’s really all I can fit in my life right now, if you want to know the truth.”
Our conversation went back and forth like that for the rest of the session. When it was over, Lisa asked me if I wanted to book another session.
“I’ll have to get back to you on that,” I told her.
I wasn’t sure how I was expecting to feel after my first therapy appointment, but I didn’t feel healed, that much I knew. I felt frustrated, which probably wasn’t a good sign of me having any success with these appointments, though I should probably go back at least once more before throwing the towel in.
When I got back home, Ben hung out while I put Declan to bed, and then he and I had a much deserved beer out on the deck.
“Should I clear my calendar for next Thursday, too?” Ben asked.
From where I was sitting, I could see into Allie’s yard and see part of her house. There was a light on, in what I thought was the living room, though the curtain was partially closed, so I couldn’t really see in. What was she doing in there?
I tried to push the thought from my mind, though. I could sit there all night wondering that, and that was no way to start to move on from someone.
“Yeah,” I said to Ben, taking another sip of my beer. “If you don’t mind being available next Thursday, too, that’d be great.”
On Sunday, when my parents got back from taking Declan to the water park, he had a new remote control airplane they had bought him.
“I know it’s an indulgence,” my mom said, “but he was so excited when he saw it, so we just couldn’t resist.”