“I suppose meeting you made me realize that I was ready to try my hand at a relationship again. Not just because I achieved what I set out to achieve, but because I realized that…I was lonely.”
“It’s strange,” I said. “That’s exactly what I felt like when I met you…lonely.”
“Did you move out here just because your brother lived here?”
“Partly.” I nodded. “But also because I didn’t want to move back home. I didn’t want to be too close to my parents.”
“Brent never talks about them very much.”
“Because they’ve always been embarrassing,” I said honestly. “And, I don’t mean embarrassing in the way most people mean it. They’re the kind of people who’re stuck in the past, with all these archaic ideas about how the world should work. It’s the kind of backward thinking that chased Brent away the first chance he got. They’re my parents, and I love them… But I can’t help feeling that I love them sometimes because I have to.”
Phil smiled. “That makes a lot of sense.”
I paused for a moment, wondering if I should tell him or not. I knew I was being hypocritical. I had wanted him to be honest with me. I had wanted him to share his past with me, and I hadn’t given him the same courtesy. He deserved to know my secrets, too, and he had more than earned the right to ask. Which was why the fact that he had not asked me yet made me admire and respect him that much more.
“I didn’t tell them that I dropped out of college until a month after I had done it,” I confessed.
“How did they take it?” he asked.
I sighed deeply. “Not well. They accused me of shaming them and lying to them. They ordered me to go back and finish, but I had to say no.”
“Why?”
I glanced up at him. “I had this professor called John Gilbert. He was this charismatic older professor who had reached tenure about a year or so back. He was extremely respected among the alumni, and I had to admit, I was pretty impressed with him myself. I was struggling through my course a little. He offered to personally tutor me, which was surprising, but of course, I jumped at the opportunity.”
I paused for a moment, unwilling to remember those awful months under his tutorship. But I needed to tell Phil this because he deserved to know. “The first private tutoring session we had was…amazing. He was friendlier than I’d expected. He was patient and funny and really, really interesting. I was so looking forward to the second session, and I practically rushed to it that second week.
“The second class we had together made me slightly uncomfortable. He was a little friendlier than was professional, and he kept touching me. It wasn’t anything major, he just kept touching my arm and shoulder… But he did it so much that I started to wonder.”
Phil’s expression had turned dark, but now that I had started talking, I knew I couldn’t stop.
“He kept this up for the next few sessions and I almost got used to it. I guess I just made excuses for him and there was really nothing too inappropriate about his closeness. And then…slowly it began to get worse.”
“He didn’t…he didn’t…rape you, did he?” Phil asked, as though he were choking out the words.
“No,” I said quickly. “No, thank God, it never went that far. But he did kiss me. It was completely unexpected, and I was taken off guard. Maybe that was why I froze. He took that to mean I was willing and started to pull up my skirt. When he reached my underwear, something in me snapped, and I pushed him away from me.”
“What did he do?” Phil asked, leaning towards me.
“He looked at me for a moment, and then he adjusted his shirt as though nothing had happened. He told me he’d see me at our next session and then basically dismissed me.
“I was so shocked, I just grabbed my bag and left. I wanted to stop going for the private tutoring sessions, but I actually needed the help. I assumed that he’d just misread the
signs and he’d made a mistake. I assumed that if I went back again, he’d keep his hands to himself and pretend like nothing had happened.”
“You went back?” Phil asked. I looked for judgment in his tone, but there was none.
“It was stupid and naïve and short-sighted, but yes… I went back, thinking we would just ignore what had happened the last time.”
“He did it again,” Phil said knowingly.
“This time, he got angry when I pushed him away,” I said softy. “He told me that I was a tease and a seductress, and that I had wanted him to touch me. I had brought this on myself.”
“That bastard,” Phil said, through gritted teeth.
“When I tried to leave, he blocked the door and tried to kiss me again. This time, I shoved him away from me as hard as I could, and he stumbled back and nearly fell. I threatened to go to the dean and report him.
“But he reminded me that I was just a student, and he had tenure, not to mention the dean’s ear. All he had to do was tell everyone that I had come on to him in hopes that I could seduce him into giving me a good grade.”