He’d let go of me, but was still standing awfully close. The air seemed charged around us, but maybe I was just imagining that? We were close enough to kiss.
I was never good at figuring out whether or not a kiss was going to happen. My first “boyfriend,” in fact, I’d never actually kissed because neither of us had been able to work up the courage to initiate it. For me, it was because I kept thinking about what was going to happen after the kiss, like, what would I say? Or was I just supposed to look lovingly into his eyes? I also couldn’t stop thinking about how it was kind of strange to see someone’s face that close, and I worried about how mine would look. All these worries culminated in that first boyfriend and I never actually kissing, so I didn’t even count him as my first boyfriend.
I was suddenly inundated with these same concerns as I stood there looking at Graham. He didn’t make a move further toward me, so I hesitated. He seemed like the exact opposite of the sort of person who would be plagued with the insecurities I was currently feeling, so if he wasn’t kissing me, it must be because he didn’t want to. He liked me as a friend, but nothing more. If I tried to kiss him, it would just end up totally awkward. Worse, he would pull away.
So we both just stood there, closer than you’d think two people who were merely friends would stand, but neither of us making any move for a kiss. Maybe he didn’t want to because we were at his work and a customer could come in at any time? Or his co-worker could come back?
“Well, okay,” I finally said, when I couldn’t bear the awkwardness anymore. Was he bothered at all by that? Did he sense it or was I just completely imagining everything? I felt beyond confused, and at this point, it just seemed better if I got out of there. “I guess I better get going. Sorry again for just coming down here like that.”
“No need to apologize; I was happy to see you.” He gave me a smile but made no move to do anything else. “Take care, Chloe. I’ll see you around.”
I was glad that I had gone down there to talk to him about it, yet there was still a part of me that felt he had something he’d wanted to say but had decided to keep to himself.
Chapter Fifteen
Graham
In high school, I’d been friends with this kid named Kurt Steadman. We played in a punk rock band together and had grand plans about all the great shit we were going to do once we were free from that prison otherwise known as high school.
We both came from shitty families; Kurt didn’t have an asshole stepfather like I did—his real father could make Wade look like Mary Poppins. Kurt’s father was not a bad guy, until he got drunk, which he did most nights, and then all hell would break loose. Kurt and I had a lot in common.
We were both very dedicated to our band, and even when Kurt started dating Trisha Norris, we still practiced several times a week and played shows whenever we could. I’d assumed things would just continue like this until we were done with school and then we’d hit the road and find great fame and fortune with our band.
But Trisha had started to lose interest in Kurt, a fact he’d taken badly. Even when she’d broken up with him officially, he couldn’t accept it. I’d tried to keep him distracted with band stuff, tried to get him interested in other girls, even stole some beers and a fifth of Jack from Wade one night and we’d hung out drinking at one of the parks. Kurt had seemed like he was actually enjoying himself, but once the alcohol was gone, he got the bright idea to get into his car and drive to Trisha’s.
He had told me he was going home, though, and foolishly, I’d believed him. I never would have let him leave had I known, or at least that’s what I told myself later. Her parents weren’t home, but she was, and she had a guy over, someone we went to school with, though we weren’t really friends. His name was Simon. Kurt dragged him out the front door and started punching him. His rage, fueled by the alcohol I’d supplied him, had him worked into a frenzy. Simon didn’t die, but he almost did, and he spent a long time in the hospital, first in the ICU, later in rehab. He’d suffered a traumatic brain injury and was never the same. Kurt was found guilty of aggravated assault and sentenced to 12 years in prison.
I’d always felt guilty for the role I played in it—maybe there was a chance that it never would’ve happened if he hadn’t been drinking. Kurt never blamed me, and during his trial, he apologized to Simon and said he didn’t know what had overcome him.
I wasn’t like Kurt, I knew that. Yet, when Chloe came marching down to the shop and wanted to know why I hadn’t texted her, I couldn’t tell her it was because I’d seen her with that guy. I would never do what Kurt had done, but even admitting that seeing her out with another guy bothered me felt like it was starting down that path. Up until Kurt had met Trisha, he had never struck me as the jealous type. It just seemed like it was an easy trap to fall into, sometimes without even realizing that it had happened.
And then we’d gone out and had a great day together, and the obvious way to end it would’ve been with a kiss. Which I didn’t do, even though I wanted to and knew it would’ve been oh so easy. I mean, was there a point to denying myself this? And not just myself—I knew that she had been waiting for me to initiate it, and was probably wondering why the hell I had just stood there. Was I taking this whole thing too far? Or was this just a test of willpower?
The sound of the cowbells clanking to herald in the opening of the door managed to jerk me out of my thoughts. I expected a customer and started to intone a greeting before it registered with me who it was.
“Oh,” I said. “Hi, Mom.”
My mother rarely ever made an appearance at the shop, so it always caught me a little off guard whenever she paraded through the door. I wondered what exactly it was she was going to want from me this time.
“You sound surprised to see me. Or were you expecting someone else?”
“No, I was just thinking about something, that’s all. Well, and I guess a little surprised to see you. You don’t usually stop by.”
“I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d swing by and pay my son a visit. That’s allowed, isn’t it?”
“Sure.”
“How’s business?” she asked.
“Things are fine.”
“Seems quiet.”
“I had a few people in earlier. Things have been plenty busy.”
“Glad to hear it.” She had a lighthearted look on her face and when she smiled, I could tell she was a little bit tipsy. Not too bad off, more like she’d just had a few drinks and was feeling good. “I’ve been thinking about what you said, about taking a break from dating and whatnot. Remember when you told me that? My car had died?”
“Yes, I remember. I also remember you giving me a whole load of shit over it.”