Devlin sighed. “The day you came to the station… you were this beautiful, bright, amazing woman who I wanted to impress. I was too ashamed to tell you about my past so… when you just assumed I was a fireman, I went along with it… and I shouldn’t have, I know that. It was completely wrong, but I just kept making excuses for myself.
“Then you showed up at my door asking to be my roommate and again I should have told you the truth but again… I was just so desperate to impress you that I held my tongue. I told myself that I would become the man you deserved and then I would tell you everything. I told myself I would get a real job; I would clean up my act, I would… be better than I was… and then I could come to you, the new me and show you that everything I was telling you was a part of my past.
“I was going to tell you everything tonight—”
“Bullshit,” I snapped immediately. “You honestly expect me to believe that after all this time you were going to tell me the truth tonight?”
“I told you I wanted to talk—”
“That could have been about anything.”
“It was about this,” Devlin insisted. “I wanted you to know everything before my parents’ party tomorrow night. I didn’t want either one of them telling you inadvertently. I wanted you to hear it from me.”
He came forward and took my hand, and even though I tried to flinch away, I didn’t fight him too hard. “I never wanted to hurt you or deceive you, Zoey,” Devlin said, with desperate eyes. “I’m just… I’m so in love with you, and I wanted to be better before I told you about my past. I thought that if I presented you with the new and improved version of me you’d have a better reason to stay.”
I shook my head at him and pulled my hand out of his grasp. “I can’t believe you.”
“You’re the one that told me not long ago that people have their stories… their own baggage and that everyone deserves a second chance… right?”
“Urgh,” I said, walking away from him. “That’s low… using my own words against me.”
“I love you, Zoey, and I want you to understand where I was coming from when I made my mistakes,” Devlin insisted. “I started selling drugs because my parents cut me off and I needed to support my work. Selling pot was the only thing that gave me a degree of autonomy and flexibility. I could support myself, and I could focus on my art. I’m not saying it was a smart choice… but it was the only option I had available to me. I didn’t think giving up on my dream was an option.”
I closed my eyes for a moment, feeling strangely off balance.
“Zoey,” Devlin said, coming forward.
“Don’t,” I said, holding up my hand to keep him from coming closer. “I’m going to my room now,” I said coldly. “Please don’t follow me. I want to be alone.”
I was at my door when Devlin called out my name. I had half a mind to ignore him, but at the last second, I turned around and made eye contact. It hurt… it hurt because I loved him so much and everything I had just heard had done nothing to change that.
“Yes?”
“Are we going to be ok?” Devlin asked.
There were five long seconds of silence. I could almost feel my heartbeat. I wondered if Devlin could hear it too.
“I can’t answer that tonight,” I told him.
Then I walked into my room and shut the door on him.
27
Devlin
“Sup man,” Larry said, the moment I accepted his call.
“Are you kidding?” I asked. “Where the fuck have you been? I called you like ten times already.”
“I was busy, ok?” Larry replied uncaringly.
“Whatever,” I said, with annoyance. “Are you interested in the pot or not… because I need to unload it fast?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Larry replied quickly. “That’s why I called. Can we meet tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow?” I repeated. “I was hoping to get rid of it all by this afternoon.”
“Fuck that man; I got shit to do and anyway, I don’t have the money for it. Chrissy does, and I’m meeting her tomorrow.”