Andreas, an officer of the Dutch army with a reputation to preserve, was visibly uncomfortable. I turned and began to walk away, but she dropped her husband's arm and held on to mine.
"Only love can give meaning to something that, on its own, has none at all. It turns out I don't have that love. So what reason is there to go on living?"
Her face was right next to mine; I tried to smell for alcohol on her breath, but there was none. I looked in her eyes and also saw no tears. Perhaps they had all dried.
"Please, I need you to stay, Margaretha. You are a good woman, one who lost a child. Though I've never been pregnant, I know what that means. I'm not doing this for me, but for all those women who are prisoners in their alleged freedom."
Before any of us had time to stop her, Andreas's wife slid a small pistol from her purse, pointed it to her own heart, and fired. Though much of the noise had been absorbed by her evening gown, people turned our way. At first they must have thought I had committed the crime, as, seconds earlier, she was clinging to me. But soon they saw the look of horror on my face and Andreas kneeling, trying to stanch the blood carrying away his wife's life. She died in his arms, her eyes displaying nothing but peace. Everyone drew near, including Rudolf, the Javanese woman having taken off in the opposite direction, afraid of what might happen with so many armed and drunken men. Before people began to ask what had happened, I asked my husband if we could leave right away; he agreed without saying a word.
When we got home, I went straight to my bedroom and began to pack my clothes. Rudolf fell onto the sofa, completely drunk. The next morning, after he awoke and ate a hearty breakfast served by the staff, he came to my room and saw the suitcases. It was the first time he broached the subject.
"Where do you think you're going?"
"To Holland, on the next ship. Either that or heaven, as soon as I get the same opportunity that Andreas's wife had. You decide."
He was the only one used to giving orders. But the look in my eyes must have changed, because, after a moment's hesitation, he left the house. When he returned that night, he said we really did need to make use of the leave to which he was entitled. Two weeks later we set off on the first ship to Rotterdam.
I had been baptized with the blood of Andreas's wife and, through that rite, I was freed forever, though neither of us knew how far this freedom would reach.
Part of what precious time I have left--though I still have great hopes of being pardoned by the president, as I have many friends among the ministers--was taken today by Sister Laurence, who brought me a list of items that were in my luggage when I was arrested.
With all the care in the world, she asked what she should do with it, should the worst-case scenario present itself. I asked her to leave me alone, and said that I would return to it later, because at the moment I have no time to waste. But if the worst scenario does indeed become the only one, she can do whatever she wants. In any event, I am copying everything down here, for I believe that everything will turn out for the best.
Trunk 1
1 gold watch adorned with blue lacquer and bought in Switzerland; and 1 round box containing 6 hats, 3 pins in pearl and gold, some long feathers, a veil, 2 fur stoles, 3 adornments for a hat, a pear-shaped brooch, and a ball gown.
Trunk 2
1 pair of riding boots;
1 horse brush;
1 box of shoe polish;
1 pair of spats;
1 pair of spurs;
5 pairs of leather shoes; 3 white shirts to match riding clothes; 1 napkin--I don't know what it is doing taking up space there; perhaps I used it to polish my boots; 1 pair of leather gaiters, protection for the legs; 3 sets of special breast supporters, so they look firm during a gallop; 8 pairs of silk underpants and 2 cotton; 2 belts to match with different riding clothes;
4 pairs of gloves;
1 umbrella;
3 visors to avoid direct sun in the eyes; 3 pairs of wool socks, though one of them is already worn from use; 1 special bag for storing dresses; 15 sanitary towels for menstruation; 1 wool sweater;
1 full riding costume, with matching jacket and trousers; 1 box with hair barrettes; 1 lock of fake hair extension, with a clip to attach it to my natural hair; 3 fox-fur neck-warmers; and 2 boxes of face powder.
Trunk 3
6 pairs of garters;
1 box of skin moisturizer; 3 pairs of patent-leather high-heel boots; 2 corsets;
34 dresses;
1 handmade cloth bag, with what appears to be seeds of unidentified plants;