He turns to the table and messes with the stack of flashcards I have there. “Please forget I said anything?”
Steve is a nice guy, and I meant it when I told Easton he was good to me. Jerks have no appeal. But sex? I’m not even sure I love him.
I push away the thought quickly. Who said I have to be in love? I like him. I respect him. We have fun together. Isn’t that enough?
I close the space between us, but he still feels miles away. I run a hand down his arm. “Hey. I’m sorry I freaked out, but I need you to understand that my freak-out isn’t about you.”
When he turns his eyes to me, I see the hurt there, and it twists in my chest. “Let me guess—it’s about Easton Connor.”
I blink at him. Because that came out of nowhere. Because he’s being irrationally jealous.
Because he’s right.
Easton
The Jackson crew wanders along the sand in front of me, soaking up the evening sun and laughing. I’m so glad to have them here, but I can’t believe Shay didn’t come.
I get it. She has other responsibilities, other things in her life to focus on than her brother’s old friend. I tried to tell myself it didn’t matter. Lied to myself about how much I wanted her to see my new life. Now her family’s here and it’s great, but it’s also . . . lonely in a way I can’t explain to anyone.
Doesn’t she know that she’s half the reason I arranged this trip? But I guess she wouldn’t. When she suggested she’d change her college plans to be with me, it scared the shit out of me, and I’ve done everything I could to hide my feelings since. She’s so smart—and not just compared to me. Compared to anyone. She’s brilliant, and I won’t be the reason she doesn’t chase her dreams. When I was starting at Starling College, my course load was intense. I’d never been pushed academically like that, and my anxiety was off the charts. Lucky for me, Shay was taking a couple of courses there—a high school freshman taking French at a four-year college, because she’s that kind of smart. I got to see her a couple of times a week. She’s the only one who could help me relax enough to make it through those major projects. My grades weren’t great, but I don’t think I’d have passed if it hadn’t been for her. If I’d been put on academic probation and kicked off the team, I never would’ve been drafted by the Demons. She’s the reason I got to pursue my dream, and I won’t stand in the way of hers.
But she didn’t tell me she has a boyfriend.
It was only a matter of time, but it was still a punch in the gut when Carter’s little brother, Levi, made a joke about Shay being alone at the house with him. I didn’t want her to wait for me, but I guess I thought she might. But now she has a boyfriend, and they’re going to New York together. Because he’s smart enough to be in the special group that takes the trip. Smart like Shay. I bet she likes that.
I wonder if she calms him when he’s stressed. I wonder if he’s ever wondered if there’s something wrong with the way he was made, only to have her put a hand on his arm and make him feel like he’s whole, like he’s enough.
I pull my phone from my pocket. I owe you no more secrets.
She’s right. She doesn’t owe me anything. But I want it all anyway.
Shay
I can’t sleep.
I roll over and stare at the clock. Three a.m.
Steve left five hours ago, reluctantly still a virgin. I assured him that my reasons for waiting had nothing to do with Easton, that I just wasn’t ready. I’m an evil liar.
Guilt had me inviting him for a soak in the hot tub, and after a heavy make-out session that ended with us back in the house, his swim trunks were on the floor, and my hand . . . well, my hand was right where he wanted it. After that, I think we were both a little more convinced that I’m not hung up on Easton.
But I have another five days full of prime virginity-losing opportunities, and I wonder if Steve’s right. Maybe now’s the time. We might not have another chance to be alone like this until we’re in college, and even then there will be roommates to work around and neighbors on the other side of thin walls. I can’t deny that our circumstances are ideal, but I always imagined I’d be in love when I lost my virginity. Will Steve wait that long?
I grab my phone off the nightstand and scroll through the pictures Mom sent me earlier. My stomach twists with longing. This is the first time I’ve missed a family trip, and seeing my brothers lined up and walking barefoot down the beach makes me feel . . . homesick.