She holds up a hand. “Let me finish.”
I force myself to take a deep breath.
“Thinking about you touching her makes me want to crawl out of my skin.” She shakes her head and squeezes her eyes shut. “Maybe I can get over that eventually. I don’t know. But I do know that I can’t be the second family. I already told you that. I can’t, Jake.”
I’m not even sure where to start. She just carved out my guts. Am I supposed to be empathetic? I understand how hard her teenage years were on her—living with her asshole father and being made to feel like she was a guest in his home. To nod along while she throws me into a category with the man who cheated on her and confirmed all her insecurities? “Do not compare me to the two worst men in your life.” My words snap with anger and desperation. “You’ve never been second to me, and you never will be.”
She shakes her head and presses a hand to her stomach. “I can’t be second, and I can’t be the reason you don’t do what you know is right.” She steps around me and grabs her purse, heading for the door.
“I would never hurt you like they did.”
“You already did.”
Those words hit me center mass and take the fight from me. I already did. “Don’t go. Don’t leave like this.”
She stops with her hand on the knob and looks over her shoulder. “I have to.”
The door closes with a quiet thunk, and I feel like she just buried me alive. What am I supposed to do with all this anger and frustration and helplessness clawing at my chest?
I walk to the window and watch the sidewalk until Ava appears and walks away. I prop my hands on my head, as if that might give my lungs the room they need to expand when they’re being compressed by all this shit.
It doesn’t work. I want to run after her and demand that she undo what she just did. I want to drop to my knees and beg her to stay.
But I can’t do that until I talk to Molly, and I know now that the conversation we need to have isn’t one we can have on the phone.
I need to go to New York and find out if I have a son.
Ava
“More ice cream?” Ellie offers me the tub of chunky monkey peanut butter something-or-other. “Or more vodka?”
I push away the carton and groan, rubbing my stomach. “God, I can’t. There’s no more room.”
I called her when I left Jake’s apartment, and she met me at my house. After I tearfully confessed everything leading up to and including my breakup with Jake, we spent the entire day binge-watching old Grey’s Anatomy episodes and eating comfort food.
Her gaze drops to my hand, and she frowns. “What happens if you’re pregnant?”
The word makes my chest twinge, but I shake my head. “I won’t be. I tried to get pregnant for two years wi
th Harrison and never managed. It’s pretty unlikely that one weekend with Jake is going to leave me knocked up.”
“But what if it did?” Ellie asks softly. She’s been really good about listening and not sharing her opinion today, so I’m unreasonably irritated that she’s pushing this.
“Then I’d have a baby and wouldn’t need to pay a fertility clinic.” I pull my feet onto the couch and wrap my arms around my legs. “I’ll never see a child as a mistake, Ell. No matter what.”
Her expression softens. “Of course you wouldn’t. I just mean Jake would want to be part of the kid’s life too, right?”
I swallow hard and look away. When did my life turn so dramatic? Molly has a baby she didn’t tell anyone about that might be Jake’s, and I had unprotected sex with Jake and might be carrying his child. “I guess I’ll cross that bridge if I get to it.”
She leans her head on my shoulder. “Give yourself time to hurt, to be angry, but then talk to him. You can’t cut Jake from your life. You love him.”
“He broke my heart,” I whisper. “The night they slept together, I was trying to decide if I should give Harrison his ring back so I could try being with Jake. I was ready to flip my life on its head, and he was jumping in bed with Molly. That makes me feel like a fool.”
“But he came to you first, right? He was drunk and upset, and that’s the only reason he ended up with her.”
I nudge her shoulder and scowl at her. “I’m not ready for you to defend him yet.”
She nods. “Right. He’s a jackass who did a bad thing. It’s true. We don’t need to discuss the nuances of his choices for at least a couple more days.”