“Are you sure? Ash—”
“Tansy, I had my whole future mapped out. I knew what I was going to be doing and where I was going to be doing it for years to come. And fate came along and basically gave me a big, giant fuck you. And you know what, it was rough. I’m not going to lie. Some days, it’s still rough. But if my parents’ deaths taught me anything, it’s that you never know when or how things are going to end, so you might as well grab on to happiness when you find it.”
“But you—”
He puts his fingers to my mouth, silences me when I try to make another argument. “You make me happy, Tansy. You make me so fucking happy I can barely see straight. The only question is, do I make you happy in the same way?”
I should tell him no. I know I should. The word even trembles on my lips. Because this is Ash, and I love him and I want, so desperately, for him to be happy. After everything he’s been through, he deserves that. He deserves more than that.
But when I go to say the word, I can’t get it out. I can’t lie to him and tell him that he doesn’t make me happy when those last few days in Chile were the happiest of my life. By far. I can’t hurt him like that, even if it means sparing him more hurt later. That probably makes me selfish, but right now—when he’s holding me like I’m the most precious thing in the world, when he’s looking at me with all the love I never dreamed I’d see in his eyes—I just can’t bring myself to care.
“You do,” I tell him. “You make me so happy.”
“Oh, thank God.” He cups my face in his hands, rests his forehead against mine. “I thought you were going to torture me a little more.”
I shake my head. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt him, in any way. Which is why I force myself to say, “I love you, Ash. I love you so, so much. But you need to know—”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter.” I clear my throat, start again. “You need to know that I can’t give you security. I can’t give you promises of a happily ever after. I can’t give you anything, really, except for me, loving you, right now. That’s all I’ve got. Maybe all I’ll ever have to give you.”
“It’s enough.” He kisses me, hard, powerful kisses that hurt my lips and make me long for more. Make me long for everything. “Didn’t you hear what I said, Tansy? I’d rather have whatever time with you that I can—six months, a year, five years—than to live without you before I have to. Whatever time you have, I want. The good, the bad. The healthy, the sick. The hipster or the debutante. I want it all, baby. I want it all.”
“Oh, God, Ash. Oh, God.” I fling myself into his arms, wrap myself around him as tightly as I can.
“What is it, baby? What do you need?” He holds me tight, his strong arms around my shoulders and waist the most comforting thing I’ve ever felt.
“I need you,” I tell him as I press frantic kisses to his cheeks, his forehead, his mouth. “I just need you.”
“Well, you’ve got me, so I guess that’s good.” His lips find mine in a real kiss, and as the love and desire, the tenderness and the need, pull me under, I know that for now—forever—that’s more than enough.
Epilogue
“You ready?” Ash demands, and I glance up at him, more nervous than I’ve been in a long time.
“Uh, yeah. I was born ready.” Still, I can’t help feeling a little bit of trepidation as I reach for my gloves. Which is perfectly reasonable, I think, considering the circumstances. Not that Ash agrees. He’s looking at me like I’m deliberately dragging my feet on this—which, if I’m honest, I might be. Just a little bit.
“So, I was thinking we could try one of the kiddie runs,” I tell him with a sheepish smile. “Just to get in the mood.”
Logan rolls his eyes. “Seriously, Tansy? Are you like ninety?”
I reach out, snatch the hat from his head. “No, I’m not ninety, but we’re not all born boarders, you know. Some of us need a little practice before we can, oh I don’t know, stand up on a snowboard let alone take it down the side of the mountain …”
“You’ll do great,” Ash tells me, gathering me against his side. “I’ll be right there with you.”
I snort. “Considering the fact that you and Logan have turned into the biggest daredevils on the powder, that doesn’t exactly reassure me.”
This time, Ash is the one to roll his eyes. “Move it,” he tells me, dropping a quick kiss on my lips. “Or I’ll leave you here and Logan and I will spend the day
on the slopes, alone.”
“Okay. Okay.” I give my jacket an extra pat, just to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything. I haven’t. “I’m ready.”
“Sick!” Logan crows from his position near the door. “Here we go.”
As we pile out to the car, I can’t help being grateful—for everything. It’s been five months since Chile, and we’re back home in Park City now. Though it hasn’t been an easy ride—Ash is way too protective for our relationship to go super smoothly—it’s been a fun one. With Logan and Ash in my life, every day is an adventure. An adventure, that so far, anyway, is cancer free.
I just had my six-month checkup and everything looks great. No cancer. No sign of cancer. No sign that anything is wrong at all. This trip to the resort is my reward. Ash promised me if the doctor gave me a clean bill of health, he would take me snowboarding with him and Logan. Clean bill of health achieved, and here we are.