“Why?”
“What do you mean why? You’re acting like—”
“No. I mean, why did you give me leeway? Why didn’t you call me on my shit hours ago?”
I’m baffled, absolutely fucking baffled. “What do you mean? I was trying to be considerate—”
“To the cripple!” he shouts. “You were trying to be considerate to the cripple! This is the same old shit, Ash. The same shit you’ve been giving me for seven fucking months. You don’t want to upset me because I’m paralyzed. You don’t want to fight with me because I’m crippled. Don’t you ever get sick of being so nice? Don’t you ever get sick of being such a goddamned martyr?”
His words slam over me, into me, like an avalanche. “I’m trying to do the right thing here.”
“For you!” he shouts. “You’re t
rying to do the right thing for you!”
Outrage replaces the shock in an instant. “Okay, now wait a fucking minute. You can say a lot of things about me, about how I don’t know what I’m doing and how I’m an idiot who keeps fucking up, but don’t you ever say that I’m not trying to do the right thing for you.”
“Yeah, like you were trying to do the right thing for Tansy.”
Ice slams through. “Don’t talk about her. Don’t you fucking talk about her.”
“Why not? Because then you’ll have to admit what a fucking coward you are? How she got sick and you just let her go because you couldn’t deal. That’s the whole thing, right? Ash Fucking Lewis. Always so perfect. Always has a plan. But things aren’t perfect now. I’m not perfect, Tansy’s not perfect, your life isn’t perfect, so you can’t deal with it.”
“That’s not true.”
“Oh, it’s totally true. You don’t want it to be, but it is. You keep fucking trying to make these perfect slots and shove us in there. Tansy didn’t fit, so you just gave up. Just let her drive away. Is that what’s going to happen when you figure out that I don’t fit, either? Are you just going to give up on me, too?” He’s crying now, harsh, ugly sobs that turn his face red and rip right through him. There’s a part of me that wants to go to him and just hold him, but there’s another part that’s furious he’s saying these things to me. Furious that he’s thinking them when I’ve done everything, everything, I could think of to make the last seven months as easy on him as I possibly could.
There are a million things on the tip of my tongue, a bunch of words I don’t know how to say. A bunch of words I’m scared to say because I won’t be able to take them back.
While I stand there like an idiot, Logan wipes at his face with the backs of his hands, sniffs a few times. He needs a Kleenex, but there are none near him and I know there’s no way he’ll get in his chair right now and go get one. Not when we’re in the middle of this.
To give myself a chance to think, to cool down from the outrage and the pain ripping through me, I walk into the bathroom and grab a box of tissues. Then walk over to the bed and hold it out to Logan.
He sneers at me even as he rips it from my hands. “Thanks,” he says sarcastically. “Saint Ash is at it again.”
I lose it, then. Absolutely, fucking lose it. “Who the fuck do you think you are?”
“I know exactly who I am. You’re the one who’s forgotten it!”
“Fuck you, Logan. Fuck you! You think this is easy? You think it’s easy trying to figure out what to do for you? Trying to make sure you’re okay? Trying to do the right thing when all I want to do—”
“What? All you want to do is what?”
“Nothing.” I head for the door. “I’m going to order pizza.”
“Of course you are. That’s what you do when bad shit happens. You run away.”
“Bullshit!” I turn on him. “I’m right here, Logan. I’m right fucking here.”
“But you aren’t! You think I don’t know what you were going to say? You think I didn’t see your face when we were in Chile. All you want to do is snowboard. It’s all you’ve ever wanted to do. And you gave it up to punish yourself. Gave it up because you think you need to be some kind of martyr.”
“Goddamnit, that’s the second time you’ve said that. And it’s going to be the last. I’m not trying to be a martyr. I gave up snowboarding because I thought it would be best for you—”
“I never asked you to give up snowboarding for me!”
“Oh, really? And how am I supposed to travel all over the world and take care of you, too? How am I supposed to go up on those mountains knowing I could die and leave you alone? And how the hell am I supposed to get on another board knowing how much you love it, too? Knowing how much you wish it could be you?”
Logan just sneers at me. “You’re an asshole.”