Monstrous Regiment (Discworld 31) - Page 243

"Then maybe the washerwomen gave us away," said Tonker. "I didn't like the look of Mrs Enid."

"It doesn't matter now, does it?" said Polly, "is that the only door?"

"There's a storeroom at the other end," said Tonker. "No exit, except a grille in the floor."

"Could we get out that way?"

"Only diced."

They stared glumly at the distant door. It had opened again, and there was some muffled conversation amongst the silhouettes beyond. Tonker had tried advancing on the open doorway, and found men with swords suddenly occupying it.

Polly turned to look at Blouse, who was slumped against the wall, staring blankly upwards.

"I'd better go and tell him," she said. Tonker shrugged.

Blouse opened his eyes and smiled wanly when Polly approached. "Ah, Perks," he said. "We almost made it, eh?"

"Sorry we let you down, sir," said Polly. "Permission to sit, sir?"

"Treat the rather chilly flagstones as if they were your own," said Blouse. "And it was I that let you down, I'm afraid."

"Oh, no, sir - " Polly protested.

"You were my first command," said Blouse. "Well, apart from Corporal Drebb and he was seventy and only had one arm, poor chap." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "All I had to do was get you to the valley. That was all. But, no, I foolishly dreamed of a world where everyone would one day wear a Blouse. Or eat one, possibly. I should have listened to Sergeant Jackrum! Oh, will I ever look my dear Emmeline in the face again?"

"I don't know, sir," said Polly.

"That was meant to be more of a rhetorical cry of despair than an actual question, Perks," said Blouse.

"Sorry, sir," said Polly. She took a deep breath, ready for the plunge into the icy depths of the truth. "Sir, you ought to know that - "

"And I'm afraid once they realize we aren't women we'll be put in the big dungeons," the lieutenant went on. "Very big, and very dirty, I'm told. And very crowded."

"Sir, we are women, sir," said Polly.

"Yes, well done, Perks, but we don't have to pretend any more."

"You don't understand, sir. We really are women. All of us."

Blouse grinned nervously. "I think you've got a little... confused, Perks. I seem to recall that the same thing happened to Wrigglesworth - "

"Sir - "

" - although I have to say he was very good at choosing curtains - "

"No, sir. I was a - I am a girl, and I cut my hair and pretended I was a boy and took the Duchess's shilling, sir. Take my word for it, sir, because I really don't want to have to draw you a picture. We played a trick on you, sir. Well, not a trick, really, but we, all of us, had reasons for being somewhere else, sir, or at least not being where we were. We lied."

Blouse stared at her. "You're sure?"

"Yes, sir. I am of the female persuasion. I check every day, sir."

"And Private Halter?"

"Yes, sir."

"And Lofty?"

"Oh, yes, sir. Both of them, sir. Don't go there, sir."

Tags: Terry Pratchett Discworld Fantasy
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