"All right," she said brusquely. "Have you got everything?"
"Yes, Perks."
"Have you been to the privy this morning?" her mouth went on, while her brain cowered in fear of a court martial. I'm in shock, she thought, and so's he. So you cling to what you know. And you can't stop...
"No, Perks," said the lieutenant.
"Then you must go properly before we get on the boat, all right?"
"Yes, Perks."
"In you go, then, there's a good lieutenant."
She leaned against the wall and got her breath back in a few hurried gulps as Blouse stepped into the barracks, then slipped in after him.
"Officer present!" Jackrum barked. The squad, already lined up, stood to varying degrees of attention. The sergeant jerked a salute in front of Blouse, causing the young man to sway backwards.
"Apprehended enemy scouting party, sir! Dangerous business all round, sir! In view of the emergency nature of the emergency sir, and seeing as how you have no NCO what with Corporal Strappi having scarpered, and seeing as how I'm an old soldier in good standing, you are allowed to conscript me as an auxiliary under Duchess's Regulations, Rule 796, Section 3 [a], Paragraph ii, sir, thank you, sir!"
"What?" said Blouse, staring around blearily and becoming aware that in a world of sudden turmoil there was a big red coat that seemed to know what it was doing. "Oh. Yes. Fine. Rule 796, you say? Absolutely. Well done. Carry on, sergeant."
"Are you in command here?" barked Horentz, standing.
"Indeed I am, captain," said Blouse.
Horentz looked him up and down. "You?" he said, disdain oozing from the word.
"Indeed, sir," said Blouse, his eyes narrowing.
"Oh well, we shall have to do what we can. That fat bastard," said Horentz, pointing a threatening finger at Jackrum, "that bastard offered me violence! As a prisoner! In chains! And that... boy," the captain added, spitting the word towards Polly, "kicked me in the privates and almost clubbed me to death! I demand that you let us go!"
Blouse turned to Polly. "Did you kick Captain Horentz in the 'privates', Parts?"
"Er... yessir. Kneed, actually. And it's Perks actually, sir, although I can see why you made the mistake."
"What was he doing at the time?"
"Er... embracing me, sir." Polly saw Blouse's eyebrows rise, and plunged on. "I was temporarily disguised as a girl, sir, in order to allay suspicion."
"And then you... clubbed him?"
"Yessir. Once, sir."
"What in the world possessed you to stop at once?" said Blouse.
"Sir?" said Polly, as Horentz gasped. Blouse turned with an almost seraphic look of pleasure on his face.
"And you, sergeant," he went on, "did you in fact lay a hand on the captain?"
Jackrum took a step forward and saluted smartly. "Not as in fact per se and such, sir, no," he said, keeping his eyes fixed on a point some twelve feet high on the far wall. "I just considered, since he had invaded our country to capture our lads, sir, that it wouldn't hurt if he experienced temporary feelings of shock and awe, sir. On my oath, sir, I am not a violent man."
"Of course not, sergeant," said Blouse. And now, while he still smiled, it was edged with a kind of malevolent glee.
"For heaven's sake, you fool, you can't believe these ignorant yokels, they're the dregs of - " Horentz began.
"I do believe them, indeed I do," said Blouse, shaking with nervous defiance. "I would believe their testimony against yours, sir, if they told me the sky was green. And it would appear that untrained as they are, they have bested some of Zlobenia's finest soldiers by wit and daring. I have every confidence that they have further surprises in store for us - "
"Dropping your drawers would do it," whispered Maladict.