"I"m not sure a serving officer is-" Carrot began.
"I"ll volunteer for the role, captain," said a little voice. Carrot peered over the end of the desk.
"Mr Pessimal? I don"t think you should be out of bed."
"Uh ... I am in fact "acting lance-constable" captain," said
A. E. Pessimal, politely yet firmly. He was on crutches.
"Oh? Er ... right," said Carrot. "But I still think you shouldn"t be
out of bed."
"Nevertheless, justice must be served," said A. E. Pessimal.
Brick bent down and peered closely at the inspector. "It"s dat gnome from last night," he said. "Don"t want him!"
"You can"t think of anyone?" said Carrot.
Brick thought again, and at last brightened up. "Yeah, I can," he said. "Easy. Someone to help me answer der questions, right?"
"That"s right."
"Well, easy peas. If you can fetch that dwarf I saw down in dat new dwarf mine, he"d help me:
The room went deadly quiet.
"And why would he do that?" said Carrot carefully.
"He could tell you why he was hitting dat other dwarf onna head," said Brick. "I mean, I don"t know. But I "spect he won"t wanna come on account of me bein" a troll, so I"ll stick with the sergeant, if it"s all the same to you."
"I think this is going too far, captain!" said A. E. Pessimal.
In the silence that followed this, Carrot"s voice sounded very loud.
"I think this, Mr Pessimal, is the point where we wake up Commander Vimes."
There was an old military saying that Fred Colon used to describe total bewilderment and confusion. An individual in that state, according to Fred, "couldn"t tell if it was arsehole or breakfast time.
This had always puzzled Vimes. He wondered what research had been done. Even now, with his mouth tasting of warmed-over yesterday and everything curiously sharp in his vision, he thought he"d be able to tell the difference. Only one was likely to include a cup of coffee, for a start.
He had one now, ergo, it was breakfast time. Actually, it was near lunchtime, but that would have to do.
The troll known to everyone else and occasionally to himself as Brick was seated in one of the big troll cells, but in deference to the fact that no one could decide if he was a prisoner or not, the door had been left unlocked. The understanding was that, provided he didn"t try to leave, no one would stop him leaving. Brick was engulfing his third bowl of the mineral-rich mud that, to a troll, was nourishing soup.
"What is Scrape?" Vimes said, leaning back in the room"s one spare chair and staring at Brick as a zoologist might eye a fascinating but highly unpredictable new species. He"d put the stone ball from the mysterious Mr Shine on the table by the bowl, to see if it got any reaction, but the troll paid it no attention.
"Scrape? You don"t see it much dese days now dat Slab"s so damn cheap," rumbled Detritus, who was watching his new find with a proprietorial air, like a mother hen watching a chick who was about to leave the nest. "It what you "scrape up", see? It a few bits o" draingrade Slab boiled up in a tin wi" alcohol and pigeon droppin"s. It what der street trolls make when dey is short o" cash an". .. What is it dey"s short of, Brick?"
The moving spoon paused. "Dey is short o" self-respect sergeant," he said, as one might who"d had the lesson shouted into his ear for twenty minutes.
"By Io, he got it!" said Detritus, slapping the skinny Brick on the back so hard that the young troll dropped his spoon in the steaming gloop. "But dis lad has promised me all dat is behind him and he is damn straight now, on account o" havin" joined my one-step programme! Ain"t dat so, Brick? No more Slab, Scrape, Slice, Slide, Slunkie, Slurp or Sliver for dis boy, right?"
"Yes, sergeant," said Brick obediently.
"Sergeant, why do the names of all troll drugs start with ess?" said Vimes.
"Ah, it make dem easier to remember, sir," said Detritus, nodding sagely.