"Thank you, corporal," said Fred Colon generously.
"Or it could have been a couple of dwarfs with a stepladder," Nobby went on cheerfully. "The decorators have left a few behind. They"re all over the place."
Fred Colon sighed. "Y"see, Nobby" he said, "it"s comments like that, made in front of a member of the public, that are the reason why I"m a sergeant and you ain"t. If it was dwarfs, it would be neat all round, obviously. Is this place locked up at night, Mr Sir Reynold?"
"Of course! Not just locked, but barred! Old John is meticulous about it. And he lives in the attics, so he can make this place like a fortress."
"This"d be the caretaker?" said Fred. "We"ll need to talk to him." "Certainly you may," said Sir Reynold nervously. "Now, I think
hwe may have some details about the painting in our storeroom.
I"ll, er, just go and, er, find them . .
He hurried off towards a small doorway.
"I wonder how they got it out?" said Nobby, when they were alone.
"Who says they did?" said Fred Colon. "Big place like this, full of attics and cellars and odd corners, well, why not stash it away and wait a while? You get in as a customer one day, see, hide under a sheet, take out the muriel in the night, hide it somewhere, then go out with the customers next day. Simple, eh?" He beamed at Nobby. "You"ve got to outsmart the criminal mind, see?"
"Or they could"ve just smashed down a door and pushed off with the muriel in the middle of the night," said Nobby. "Why mess about with a cunning plan when a simple one will do?"
Fred sighed. "I can see this is going to be a complicated case, Nobby."
"You should ask Vimesy if we can have it, then," said Nobby. "I mean, we already know the facts, right?"
Hovering in the air, unsaid, was: Where would you like to be in the next few days? Out there where the axes and clubs are likely to be flying, or in here searching all the attics and cellars very, very carefully? Think about it. And it wouldn"t be cowardice, right? "cos a famous muriel like this is bound to be part of our national heritage, right? Even if it is just a painting of a load of dwarfs and trolls having a scrap.
"I think I will do a proper report and suggest to Mister Vimes that maybe we should handle this one," said Fred Colon slowly. "It needs the attention of mature officers. D"you know much about art, Nobby?"
"If necessary, sarge."
"Oh, come on, Nobby!"
"What? Tawneee says what she does is Art, sarge. And she wears more clothes than a lot of the women on the walls around here, so why be sniffy about it?"
"Yeah, but. .." Fred Colon hesitated here. He knew in his heart that spinning upside down around a pole wearing a costume you could floss with definitely was not Art, and being painted lying on a bed wearing nothing but a smile and a small bunch of grapes was good solid Art, but putting your finger on why this was the case was a bit tricky. "No urns," he said at last.
"What urns?" said Nobby.
"Nude women are only Art if there"s an urn in it," said Fred Colon. This sounded a bit weak even to him, so he added, "or a plinth. Both
is best, o"course. It"s a secret sign, see, that they put in to say that it"s Art and okay to look at."
"What about a potted plant?"
"That"s okay if it"s in an urn.
"What about if it"s not got an urn or a plinth or a potted plant?" said Nobby.
"Have you one in mind, Nobby?" said Colon suspiciously.
"Yes, The Goddess Anoia [1] Arising from the Cutlery," said Nobby. "They"ve got it here. It was painted by a bloke with three i"s in his name, which sounds pretty artistic to me."
"The number of i"s is important, Nobby," said Sergeant Colon gravely, "but in these situations you have to ask yourself: where"s the cherub? If there"s a little fat pink kid holding a mirror or a fan or similar, then it"s still okay. Even if he"s grinning. Obviously you can"t get urns everywhere."
"All right, but supposing-" Nobby began.
The distant door opened, and Sir Reynold came hurrying across the marble floor with a book under his arm.