Vimes shook some lather off the blade. "Hah! I bet they have. Tell me, Willikins, did you fight much when you were a kid? Were you in a gang or anything?"
"I was privileged to belong to the Shamlegger Street Rude Boys, sir," said the butler.
"Really?" said Vimes, genuinely impressed. "They were pretty tough nuts, as I recall."
"Thank you, sir," said Willikins smoothly. "I pride myself I used to give somewhat more than I got if we needed to discuss the vexed area of turf issues with the young men from Rope Street. Stevedore"s hooks were their weapon of choice, as I recall."
"And yours ... ?"said Vimes, agog.
"A cap-brim sewn with sharpened pennies, sir. An ever-present help in times of trouble."
"Ye gods, man! You could put someone"s eye out with something like that."
"With care, sir, yes," said Willikins, meticulously folding a towel.
And here you stand now, in your pinstripe trousers and butlering coat, shiny as schmaltz and fat as butter, Vimes thought, while he tidied up under the ears. And I"m a Duke. How the world turns.
"And have you ever heard someone say "Let"s have a disturbance"?" he said.
"Never, sir," said Willikins, picking up the paper again.
"Me neither. It only happens in newspapers: Vimes glanced at the bandage on his arm. It had been quite disturbing, even so.
"Did it mention I took personal charge?" he said.
"No, sir. But it does say here that rival factions in the street outside were kept apart by the valiant efforts of the Watch, sir."
"They actually used the word "valiant"?" said Vimes.
"Indeed they did, sir."
"Well, good," Vimes conceded grumpily. "Do they record that two officers had to be taken to the Free Hospital, one of them quite badly hurt?"
"Unaccountably not, sir," said the butler.
"Huh. Typical. Oh, well ... carry on."
Willikins coughed a butlery cough. "You might wish to lower the razor for the next one, sir. I got into trouble with her ladyship about last week"s little nick."
Vimes watched his image sigh, and lowered the razor. "All right, Willikins. Tell me the worst."
Behind him, the paper was professionally rustled. "The headline on page three is: "Vampire Officer For The Watch?", said the butler, and took a careful step backwards.
"Damn! Who told them?"
"I really couldn"t say, sir. It says you are not in favour of vampires in the Watch but will be interviewing a recruit today. It says there is a lively controversy over the issue."
"Turn to page eight, will you?" said Vimes. Behind him, the paper rustled again.
"Well?" he said. "That"s where they usually put their silly political cartoon, isn"t it?"
"You did put the razor down, did you, sir?" said Willikins. "Yes!"
"Perhaps it would also be just as well if you stepped away from the washbasin, too, sir."
"There"s one of me, isn"t there ..: said Vimes grimly.
"Indeed there is, sir. It portrays a small nervous vampire and, if I may say so, a rather larger-than-life drawing of yourself leaning over your desk, holding a wooden stake in your right hand. The caption is: "Any good on a stake-out, eh?" sir, this being a humorous wordplay referring, on the one hand, to the standard police procedure-"