'I've written it down,' said William, passing him a page torn from the notebook. 'Caps, please. Big caps. Big as you can. The sort the Inquirer used for elves and exploding people,'
This?' said the dwarf, reaching for a case of huge black letters. 'Is this news?'
'It is now,' said William. He flicked back through the pages of his notebook.
'Are you going to write the story down first?' said the dwarf.
'No time. Ready? "A plot to illegally seize control of Ankh-Morpork was exposed last night after days of patient detective work by the Watch." Paragraph. "The Times understands that two assassins, both now dead, were hired from outside the city to blacken the character of Lord Vetinari and depose him as Patrician." Paragraph. "They used an innocent man with a remarkable resemblance to Lord Vetinari in order to trick their way into the palace. Once inside"--'
'Hold on, hold on,' said Goodmountain. 'The Watch didn't get to the bottom of this, did they? You did!'
'I just said they've been working for days,' said William. That's true. I don't have to say they weren't getting anywhere.' He saw the look in the dwarf's eye. 'Listen, very soon I'm going to have a lot more unpleasant enemies than anyone really needs. I'd like Vimes to be angry at me for making him look good rather than for making him look bad. Okay?'
'Even so--'
'Don't argue with me!'
Goodmountain didn't dare. There was a look in William's face. The boy had frozen when he was listening to the box, and now he'd unfrozen into... someone else.
Someone a lot more touchy and a lot less patient. He looked as though he was running a fever.
'Now... where was I?'
'"Once inside"...' said the dwarf.
'Okay... "Once inside"... no... Make it: "The Times understands that Lord Vetinari was" - Sacharissa, you said the man in the cellar looked just like Vetinari?'
'Yes. Haircut and everything.'
'Right. "The Times understands that Lord Vetinari was overwhelmed in the moment of shock on seeing himself entering his office"--'
'Do we understand that?' said Sacharissa.
'Yes. It makes sense. Who's going to argue? Where was I... "Their plan was foiled by Lord Vetinari's dog, Wuffles (16), who attacked both men." Paragraph. "The noise of this attracted the attention of Lord Vetinari's clerk, Rufus Drumknott" - damn, I forgot to ask him how old he was - "who was then knocked unconscious." Paragraph. "The attackers tried to put the interruption to good use in their" - what's the good word? Oh, yes - "their dastardly plan and stabbed Drumknott with one of Lord Vetinari's own daggers in an attempt to make it look as if he was insane or murderous." Paragraph. "Acting with vicious cunning"--'
'You're getting really good at this,' said Sacharissa.
'Don't interrupt him,' hissed Boddony. 'I want to find out what the dastards did next!'
'--"with vicious cunning they forced the bogus Lord Vetinari"--'
'Good word, good word,' said Goodmountain, setting furiously.
'Are you-certain about "forced"?' said Sacharissa.
They aren't-- they weren't the kind of men who ask nicely,' said William brusquely. 'Er... "forced the bogus Lord Vetinari... to make a false confession to some servants who were attracted by the noise. Then all three, carrying the unconscious Lord Vetinari and harried by the dog, Wuffles (16), took the stairs to the stables." Paragraph. "There they had set up a scene to suggest that Lord Vetinari had been trying to rob the city, as already reported in"--'
' "Exclusively in",' Sacharissa said.
'Right, "exclusively in the Times." Paragraph. "However, the dog Wuffles escaped dash and began a city-wide search by Watch and criminals alike. He was found by a group of public-spirited citizens, who"--'
A piece of type dropped from Goodmountain's fingers. 'You mean Foul Ole Ron and that bunch?'
'--"public-spirited citizens",' William repeated, nodding furiously, ' "who kept him hidden, while"--'
Cold winter storms had the whole of the Sto Plains in which to build up speed. By the time they hit Ankh-Morpork they were fast and heavy and laden with malice.
This time it took the form of hail. Fist-sized balls of ice smashed into tiles. They blocked gutters and filled the streets with shrapnel.