He drew away carefully and got unsteadily to his feet. The dwarfs were also staggering upright. One or two of them were being noisily sick.
The body of Otto Chriek was crumpled on the floor. The departing Brother Pin had got one expert cut in, at neck height, before leaving.
'Oh, my gods,' said William. 'What a dreadful thing to happen...'
'What, having your head cut off?' said Boddony, who'd never liked the vampire. 'Yes, I expect you could say that.'
'We... ought to do something for him
'Really?'
'Yes! I'd have been killed for sure if he hadn't used those eels!'
'Excuse me? Excuse me, please?'
The sing-song voice was coming from under the printers' bench. Goodmountain knelt down.
'Oh, no...' he said.
'What is it?' said William.
'It's... er... well, it's Otto.'
'Excuse me, please? Could somevun get me out of here?' Goodmountain, grimacing, pushed his hand into the darkness, while the voice continued: 'Oh, crikey, zere is a dead rat under here, somevun must've dropped zere lunch, how sordid-- Not zer ear please, not zer ear... By the hair, please
The hand came out again, holding Otto's head by the hair as requested. The eyes swivelled.
'Everyvun all right?' said the vampire. 'Zat vas a close shave, yes?'
'Are you... all right, Otto?' said William, realizing that this was a winning entrant in the Really Stupid Things to Say contest.
'Vot? Oh, yes. Yes, I zink so. Mustn't grumble. Pretty good, really. It's just that I seem to have had my head cut off, vich you could say is a bit of a drawback--'
'That's not Otto,' said Sacharissa. She was shaking.
'Of course it is,' said William. 'I mean, who else could it--'
'Otto's taller than that,' said Sacharissa and burst out laughing. The dwarfs started to laugh, too, because at that moment they would laugh at anything. Otto didn't join in very enthusiastically.
'Oh, yes. Ho ho ho,' he said. 'Zer famous Ankh-Morpork sense of humour. Vot a funny joke. Talk about laugh. Do not mind me.'
Sacharissa was gasping for breath. William grabbed her as gently as he could, because this was the kind of laughter you died of. And now she was crying, great racking sobs that bubbled up through the laughs.
'I wish I was dead!' she sobbed.
'You should try it some time,' said Otto. 'Mr Goodmountain, take me to my body, please? It is around here somevhere.'
'Do you... should we... do you have to sew--' Goodmountain tried.
'No. Ve heal easily,' said Otto. 'Ah, zere it is. If you could just put me down by me, please? And turn round? Zis is a bit, you know, embarrassing? Like the making of zer vater?' Still wincing in the after-effects of the dark light, the dwarfs obeyed.
After a moment they heard: 'Okay, you can look now.'
Otto, all in one piece, was sitting up and dabbing at his neck with a handkerchief.
'Got to be a stake in zer heart as veil,' he said, as they stared. 'Zo... vot vas all zat about, please? Zer dvarf said to make a distraction--'
'We didn't know you used dark light!' snapped Goodmountain.