"Huh? Captain?"
"There"s no one on the gates, there"s no one on patrol. Didn"t anyone get my message? What"s happening?"
Nobby licked his lips. "We-ell," he said. "There isn"t... well, there isn"t a Watch at the moment. Not per say." He flinched. He saw Angua behind Carrot. "Er, Mister Vimes with you at all?"
"What is happening, Nobby?"
"Well, you see... Fred kind of... and then he got all sort of... then next thing you know he was setting for to... and then we... and then he wouldn"t come out... and then we... and he nailed up the door... and Mrs Fred came and shouted at him through the letterbox... and most of the lads have gone off and got other jobs... and now there"s just me and Dorfl and Reg and Washpot, and we come here turn and turn about and we shove food through the letterbox for him... and... that"s it, reelly..."
"Can we have that again with the gaps filled in?" said Carrot.
This took considerably longer. There were still gaps. Carrot forced them open.
"I see," he said at last.
"Mister Vimes is going to go spare, isn"t he?" said Nobby miserably.
"I wouldn"t worry about Mister Vimes," said Angua. "Not at the moment."
Carrot was looking up at the front door. It was thick oak. There were bars at all the windows.
"Go and fetch Constable Dorfl, Nobby," he said.
Ten minutes later the Watch House had a new doorway. Carrot stepped over the wreckage and led the way upstairs.
Fred Colon was hunched in the chair, staring fixedly at one solitary sugar lump.
"Be careful," whispered Angua. "He might be in a rather fragile mental state."
"That"s very likely," said Carrot. He leaned down and whispered: "Fred?"
"Mm?" murmured Colon.
"On your feet, sergeant! Am I "urtin" you? I ought to be, I"m standin" on your beard! You"ve got five minutes to wash and shave and be back here with shinin" mornin" face! On your feet! To the washroom! Abou-ut turn! At the double! One-two-one-two!"
It seemed to Angua that no part of Fred Colon above the neck, except maybe for his ears, was involved in what happened next. Fred Colon rose at attention, executed a thudding about-turn and doubled out of the door.
Carrot spun around towards Nobby. "You too, corporal!"
Nobby, trembling with shock, saluted with both hands at once and ran after Colon.
Carrot went over to the fireplace and poked at the ashes. "Oh dear," he said.
"All burnt?" said Angua.
"I"m afraid so."
"Some of those heaps were like old friends."
"Well, we"ll find out if we"ve missed anything important when it starts to smell," said Carrot.
Nobby and Colon appeared again, breathless and pink. There were a few bits of tissue stuck on Colon"s face where the shaving had been too enthusiastic, but he was nevertheless looking better. He was a sergeant again. Someone was giving him orders. His brain was moving. The world was the right side up once more.
"Fred?" said Carrot.
"Yessir?"
"You"ve got a bit of bird doings on your shoulder."