"I doubt it, sir."
"Then I shall ignore it pro tem," said Vetinari. He let the soggy letter splash into the wastepaper basket.
"On to more pressing matters," he said briskly. "Now, then... What do you know about Bonk?"
Vimes stared.
There was a polite cough from Carrot. "The river or the town, sir?" he said.
The Patrician smiled. "Ah, captain, you have long ago ceased to surprise me. Yes, I was referring to the town."
"It"s one of the major towns in Uberwald, sir," said Carrot. "Exports: precious metals, leather, timber and of course fat from the deep fat mines at Schmaltzberg - "
"There"s a place called Bonk?" said Vimes, still marvelling at the speed with which they"d got here from a damp letter about dogs.
"Strictly speaking, sir, it"s more correctly pronounced Beyonk," said Carrot.
"Even so - "
"And in Beyonk, sir, "Morpork" sounds exactly like their word for an item of ladies" underwear," said Carrot. "There"s only so many syllables in the world, when you think about it."
"How do you know all this stuff, Carrot?"
"Oh, you pick it up, sir. Here and there."
"Really? So exactly which item of - "
"Something extremely important will be taking place there in a few weeks," said Lord Vetinari. "Something which, I have to add, is vital to the future prosperity of Ankh-Morpork."
"The crowning of the Low King," said Carrot.
Vimes stared from him to the Patrician, and back again.
"Is there some kind of circular that goes around which doesn"t get as far as me?" he said.
"The dwarf community has been talking about little else for months, sir."
"Really?" said Vimes. "You mean the riots? Those fights every night in the dwarf bars?"
"Captain Carrot is correct, Vimes. It will be a grand occasion, attended by representatives of many governments. And from various Uberwald principalities, of course, because the Low King only rules those areas of Uberwald that are below ground. His favour is valuable. Borogravia and Genua will be there, without a doubt, and probably even Klatch."
"Klatch? But they"re even further from Uberwald than we are! What are they bothering to go for?"
He paused for a moment and then added: "Hah. I"m being stupid. Where"s the money?"
"I beg your pardon, commander?"
"That"s what my old sergeant used to say when he was puzzled, sir. Find out where the money is and you"ve got it half solved."
Vetinari stood up and walked over to the big window, with his back to them.
"A large country, Uberwald," he said, apparently addressing the glass. "Dark. Mysterious. Ancient..."
"Huge untapped reserves of coal and iron ore," said Carrot. "And fat, of course. The best candles, lamp oils and soap come ultimately from the Schmaltzberg deposits."
"Why? We"ve got our own slaughterhouse, haven"t we?"
"Ankh-Morpork uses a great many candles, sir."