'I think it's the magic boots.'
'Can't you wiggle them off? This mud dries like - well, like terracotta in the sun. Someone can come along and dig them out afterwards.' Rincewind tried to move his feet. There was some sub-mud bubblings and he felt his feet come free, with a muffled slurping noise. Finally, with considerable effort, he was sitting on the plank. 'Sorry about the warriors,' he said. 'It looked so simple when I started out, and then I got confused with all the pictures and it was impossible to stop some of them doing things—'
'But it was a famous victory!' said Twoflower. 'Was it?'
'Mr Cohen's been made Emperor!'
'He has?'
'Well, not made, no-one made him, he just came along and took it. And everyone says he's the pre-incarnation of the first Emperor and he says if you want to be the Great Wizard that's fine by him.'
'Sorry? You lost me there . . .'
'You led the Red Army, didn't you? You made them rise up in the Empire's hour of need?'
'Well, I wouldn't exactly say that I—'
'So the Emperor wants to reward you. Isn't that nice?'
'How do you mean, reward?' said Rincewind, with deep suspicion. 'Not sure, really. Actually, what he said was . . . ' Twoflower's eyes glazed as he tried to recall. 'He said, “You go and find Rincewind and say he might be a bit of a pillock but at least he's straight so he can be Chief Wizard of the Empire or whatever he wants to call it, 'cos I don't trust you foreign . . .” ' Twoflower squinted upwards as he tried to remember Cohen's precise words ' “. . . house of auspicious aspect . . . scent of pine trees . . . buggers.” ' The words trickled into Rincewind's ear, slid up into his brain, and started to bang on the walls. 'Chief Wizard?' he said. 'That's what he said. Well . . . actually what he said was he wanted you to be a blob of swallow's vomit, but that was because he used the low sad tone rather than the high questioning one. He definitely meant wizard.'
'Of the whole Empire?' Rincewind stood up. 'Something very bad is about to happen,' he said flatly. The sky was quite blue now. A few citizens had ventured on to the battlefield to tend the wounded and retrieve the dead. Terracotta warriors stood at various angles, motionless as rocks. 'Any minute now,' said Rincewind. 'Shouldn't we get back?'
'Probably a meteorite strike,' said Rincewind. Twoflower looked up at the peaceful sky. 'You know me,' said Rincewind. 'Just when I'm getting a grip on something Fate comes along and jumps on my fingers.'
'I don't see any meteorites,' said Twoflower. 'How long do we wait?'
'It'll be something else, then,' said Rincewind. 'Someone will come leaping out, or there'll be an earthquake, or something.'
'If you insist,' said Twoflower, politely. 'Um. Do you want to wait for something horrible here or would you like to go back to the palace and have a bath and change your clothes and then see what happens?' Rincewind conceded that he might as well await a dreadful fate in comfort. 'There's going to be a feast,' said Twoflower. 'The Emperor says he's going to teach everyone how to quaff.' They made their way, plank by plank, back towards the city. 'You know, I swear you never told me that you were married.'
'I'm sure I did.'
'I was, er, I was sorry to hear that your wife, er—'
'Things happen in war. I have two dutiful daughters.' Rincewind opened his mouth to say something but Twoflower's bright, brittle smile froze the words in his throat. They worked without speaking, picking up the planks behind them and extending the walkway in front. 'Looking on the bright side,' said Twoflower, breaking the silence, 'the Emperor said you could start your own University, if you wanted.'
'No! No! Someone hit me with an iron bar, please!'
'He said he's well in favour of education provided no-one makes him have one. He's been making proclamations like mad. The eunuchs have threatened to go on strike.' Rincewind's plank dropped on to the mud. 'What is it that eunuchs do,' he said, 'that they stop doing when they go on strike?'
'Serve food, make the beds, things like that.'
'Oh.'
'They run the Forbidden City, really. But the Emperor talked them round to his point of view.'
'Really?'
'He said if they didn't get cracking right now he'd cut off everything else. Um, I think the ground's firm enough now.' His own University. That'd make him . . . Arch-chancellor. Rincewind the Archchancellor pictured himself visiting Unseen University. He could have a hat with a really big point. He'd be able to be rude to everyone. He'd— He tried to stop himself from thinking like that. It'd all go wrong. 'Of course,' said Twoflower, 'it might be that the bad things have already happened to you. Have you considered that? Perhaps you're due something nice?'
'Don't give me any of that karma stuff,' said Rincewind. 'The wheel of fortune has lost a few spokes where I'm concerned.'
'It's worth considering, though,' said Twoflower. 'What, that the rest of my life will be peaceful and enjoyable? Sorry. No. You wait. When my back's turned and - bang!' Twoflower looked around with some interest. 'I don't know why you think your life has been so bad,' he said. 'We had a lot of fun when we were younger. Hey, do you remember the time when we went over the edge of the world?'
'Often,' said Rincewind. 'Usually around 3 a.m.'
'And that time we were on a dragon and it disappeared in mid-air?'