‘There. See? Absolutely nothing has happened. Now come on in.’
The other wizards did so, with great reluctance and a tendency to duck as they passed through the ravished arch.
‘Okay,’ said Sconner, with some satisfaction. ‘Now, has everyone got their matches as instructed? Magical fire won’t work, not on these books, so I want everyone to
‘Something moved up there,’ said the smallest wizard.
Sconner blinked.
‘What?’
‘Something moved up by the dome,’ said the wizard, adding by way of explanation, ‘I saw it.’
Sconner squinted upwards into the bewildering shadows, and decided to exert a bit of authority.
‘Nonsense,’ he said briskly. He pulled out a bundle of foul-smelling yellow matches, and said, ‘Now, I want you all to pile
‘I did see it, you know,’ said the small wizard, sulkily. >‘Yes, well, you’ll be all right then,’ muttered Nijel.
It wasn’t a heavy blow, because even in a rage Rincewind still had muscles like tapioca, but it caught the side of Nijel’s head and knocked him down more by the weight of surprise than its intrinsic energy.
‘Yes, I’m a wizard all right,’ Rincewind hissed. ‘A wizard who isn’t much good at magic! I’ve managed to survive up till now by not being important enough to die! And when all wizards are hated and feared, exactly how long do you think I’ll last?’
‘That’s ridiculous!’
Rincewind couldn’t have been more taken aback if Nijel had struck him.
‘What?’
‘Idiot! All you have to do is stop wearing that silly robe and get rid of that daft hat and no one will even know you’re a wizard!’
Rincewind’s mouth opened and shut a few times as he gave a very lifelike impression of a goldfish trying to grasp the concept of tap-dancing.
‘Stop wearing the robe?’ he said.
‘Sure. All those tatty sequins and things, it’s a total giveaway,’ said Nijel, struggling to his feet.
‘Get rid of the hat?’
‘You’ve got to admit that going around with “wizzard” written on it is a bit of a heavy hint.’
Rincewind gave him a worried grin.
‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I don’t quite follow you-’
‘Just get rid of them. It’s easy enough, isn’t it? Just drop them somewhere and then you could be a, a, well, whatever. Something that isn’t a wizard.’
There was a pause, broken only by the distant sounds of fighting.
‘Er,’ said Rincewind, and shook his head. ‘You’ve lost me there …’
‘Good grief, it’s perfectly simple to understand!’
‘… not sure I quite catch your drift…’ murmured Rincewind, his face ghastly with sweat.
‘You can just stop being a wizard.’
Rincewind’s lips moved soundlessly as he replayed every word, one at a time, then all at once.