His ebony brows crashed together. “Use you? Christ, no. Melena, you can’t possibly think that—”
“Two decades of denial gone after just two days,” she reminded him. “And now, with my blood living inside you, you’ll never be tempted by another Breedmate. You have no ability to bond with anyone else as long as I live, so when you walk away from me now, you’re free. Free as you’ve never been all this time. Congratulations. I’m so pleased I could permanently scratch that annoying itch for you.”
He moved so fast she couldn’t track him. One moment he was several feet away at the closed door of the room, the next he was crowding her with his big body, his hands clamped around her biceps. His eyes flashed with furious amber.
“You are not an itch I needed to scratch.” His voice rumbled, low and deep and hard with outrage. “Damn it, Melena. Don’t say that. Don’t ever believe that.”
“Then what are we doing? You’ve been shutting me out since we left Rome. If you care for me—and I know you do, I can see it, I can feel it—then why are you pulling away?”
“Because I can’t do this again. You know loss, Melena, but you don’t know what it is to lose a mate. I don’t ever want to know that pain again. And with you—” He blew out a harsh curse. “I’ve seen you nearly die twice. I don’t want to know what that would feel like now that your blood lives inside me. And I don’t want to be the reason you’re not safe. My life is committed to the Order now. It’s a dangerous life. I won’t put you in the crossfire.”
“Don’t you think that’s something I should decide for myself?”
He stared at her for a long time, silent but unswaying. “I’ll see you home safely to Baltimore tonight. Your brother should already be there as well.”
“You’ve talked to Derek? When?” Despite the fact that her heart was breaking, it perked at the mention of her brother. “Where is he? How is he? Does he know I’m okay?”
Lazaro shook his head soberly. “There was no time to contact him before we arrived. Trygg found him on a flight coming in from London tonight.”
“I need to see him,” she murmured. “Derek needs to know that I’m alive.”
“Yes,” Lazaro agreed. “We can leave as soon as you’re ready.”
“Then what?” she asked cautiously. “What about you?”
“Then I’ll be returning to Rome.”
“When?” she asked, although her dread already knew that answer.
“I leave tonight. Arrangements have already been made. The Order’s jet is refueling and waiting for me to return a few hours from now.”
“So soon.” She exhaled sharply. “I imagine you must be eager to unload your burden and get on with your life.”
“Don’t think this is easy for me,” he said, frowning as he brought his hand up to stroke her cheek. “It would be easier to stay, or to bring you back with me to the command center in Rome. It would be the easiest thing in the world to fall in love with you, Melena.”
She swallowed hard, trapped in his bleak, tormented eyes. Afraid to believe he might love her already. Afraid he never would.
He let his hand fall away. “It’s become far too easy to imagine you at my side, as my mate. But those are things I can’t give you. I can’t ask you to risk your life by coming into my world. People die around me. I can’t allow myself to be responsible for anyone else’s life—your life. Don’t you understand?”
“Yes, I think I finally do.” The realization settled on her with clarity now, and not a little rage. “You’re not doing this out of concern for me at all. You’re doing it because you’re afraid. I thought you were being noble by denying yourself another blood bond all this time. I thought it was honor that made you refuse to let another woman into your heart—and I think I loved you even more because of that. But I was wrong, wasn’t I? You’re pushing me away now because you’re scared. You’re running away from something that could probably be pretty f**king amazing because you’re terrified of feeling any kind of pain again. The only person you’re concerned about taking care of is yourself.”
He didn’t deny it. He didn’t try to defend or justify anything she said. He let out a slow exhalation. His jaw was set and rigid, his aura uncompromising. “Whenever you’re ready, I’ll take you home to your family’s Darkhaven.”
“No, don’t bother. You’re not responsible for me, remember? I’ll find my own way home.” She tried to walk past him and he grabbed her arm, misery smoldering beneath the resolve in his dark blue eyes. “Let me go. That’s what you want, so I’m giving it to you.”
“Melena...”
She wrenched out of his loose grasp. “Good-bye, Lazaro.”
This time, he didn’t stop her. He stood unmoving, unspeaking, as she stepped around him and walked out the door.
CHAPTER 11
An hour later, Melena sat woodenly in the passenger seat of the Order’s SUV as it rolled up to her family’s Darkhaven in Baltimore. The big brownstone should have been a welcome sight in so many ways, yet all she felt was sorrow when she looked at it through the tinted glass of the vehicle’s window.
Sorrow that she’d never hear her father’s voice inside the house again. Sorrow for the pain her brother must be feeling as he walked into the empty home, believing he’d lost not only his father but Melena as well. She didn’t want to imagine Derek’s anguish, being the sole blood kin of Byron and Frances Walsh, both gone now.
And yes, Melena felt sorrow for herself too. Because instead of facing all of these heartaches with Lazaro’s strong arms around her and his love to hold her up if she crumbled, she would be doing it alone.