“You can ask me anything.”
“If you knew about Morgan when I was pregnant, how would things be different?”
“You would’ve had money, Macey. I would’ve paid for everything. I’m not the type of man who runs away from his responsibilities. You both would’ve been taken care of.”
“Would you have been in her life? Would you have given up college and come home?” she asks, her voice wavering.
I process her words and imagine what the differences would be if I had dropped out of college and moved home. Where would I be and what kind of life would I have right now? This life, the one I’m living, I fucking love it. I’ve achieved so much more than I ever expected and can’t fathom being someone different.
“I don’t know, Macey.”
By the way her eyes fall I know that’s the wrong answer, but it’s the truth. At eighteen the last thing I would’ve wanted to do was raise a child, yet she did it and did so without the means to take care of our daughter. If my answer makes me look weak in her eyes, so be it, but it’s the best one I can give her. I’m not going to lie to her about anything.
25
Macey
Morgan is in awe. I don’t blame her. For a kid the hotel is pretty amazing, but I think it’s more than that. For her, she probably feels like she belongs now. That she’s whole now that she has two parents who love her.
While Finn finished work for the day, I took her to the pool. He told me that only Lamar knows that she’s his daughter and he wants to keep it that way through the weekend, stating he had some loose ends to tie up. I don’t let the fact that he’s hiding her bother me. I figure it’s for good reason and who am I to question him? He’s taking care of us. He’s making our lives better and that alone is worth me not questioning his motives.
Each night, I still pinch myself that my life has changed so much in the span of a month. I’ve gone from taking my clothes off and waiting tables for money to preparing to start my college courses. I think back to the day that I walked into the casino and how everything changed in the blink of an eye. If I hadn’t lost the money, where would I be right now? Would I be back here with Morgan, spending the weekend with her father, or would I be dancing on the stage and serving drunk men cocktails while they stare at my breasts?
I’m not stupid enough to think everything that is happening now is going to stay the same. He’s going to meet and fall in love with the one woman who puts his world on the right axis. They’ll have kids and while Morgan will always play a role in his life, I won’t. I’ll be the mom to the first kid or whatever. I don’t want to be an afterthought in Finn’s life, but I know deep down that is all I’ll ever be.
Accepting what will never be, I am taking Finn’s suggestion. He says I don’t have to work, in fact, he’s adamant, and encouraged me to go to school full-time and follow my dreams, so that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to take him up on his offer before he changes his mind, or someone comes along and changes it for him. Morgan is excited that she’ll have a study partner.
When we return from the pool, Morgan heads up to her room, yelling along the way that she feels like a princess when she’s up there. I want to tell her that even princesses have to come out of their ivory towers sooner or later, but bursting her happy bubble isn’t something I’m set on doing anytime soon. I am worried, though, that she’ll favor Finn over me because she’s getting things that she’s never had before. They say money can’t buy happiness, but I disagree. To see her face light up because her father gave her a tablet is one of the best moments I have witnessed in her young life, and that is something I couldn’t do for her.
In Finn’s bedroom, I stare at the bed, recalling every moment I spent in there with him. It’d be easy to fall into it again, to be with him, but I want more and he’s not willing to give that, at least not to me. Telling him that we couldn’t sleep together was one of the hardest sentences I’ve ever had to form. My body craves his. When he’s here it’s almost as if there’s an electrical current running between us, drawing us to each other. He’s incredibly hard to resist. Even when I’m pissed at him, when he’s destroyed my heart with hurtful words, his touch and the sound of his husky voice turn me into a withering mess of nothing, and he knows it. Finn knows he has the power to make me submit, to be his.