‘And that’s why you don’t want to love anyone? Because of something that happened when you were a child?’
‘It taught me a valuable lesson,’ Rico said shortly.
‘Which was?’
‘That love isn’t real. Whether it’s a warm glow or not, that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t last. It doesn’t change things, and you can’t count on it or trust it. Frankly, we’re both better off without it, Halina.’
‘Of course you would think that.’
‘Yes, I would,’ Rico returned, his voice gaining force. He felt a deep-seated need, bordering on a compulsion, to prove this to her. To liberate her from such childish notions, as well as cement the foundation of their own future happiness. ‘Think about it, Halina. You want me to love you. What does that even mean? What would it look like, practically?’
She flushed, looking as if she resented the question. ‘If I have to spell it out to you...’
He reached across the table to cover her hand with his own. ‘Humour me. Please.’
‘Fine.’ She pulled her hand away and folded her arms. ‘It would mean I was the most important thing to you. That you couldn’t bear to be away from me. That I made the sun shine more brightly and the sky look more blue. That I complete you.’ She shook her head. ‘How many clichés do I have to pull out of the book, Rico? Love just is. Either you love someone or you don’t, and if you don’t, then whatever you feel—whether it’s affection or duty or something in between—is eventually going to fade and pale. At some point in the future it’s not going to be enough, and that’s what I don’t want to have happen. I don’t want to l
ook up from my dinner or roll over in bed and see that knowledge in your eyes.’
‘I swear to you,’ Rico said in a low voice that thrummed with sincerity, ‘that would never happen.’
‘You can’t make that promise.’
He put his hands flat on the table, a sudden fury coursing through him. ‘And you think love is the failsafe guarantee, Halina? That, if I loved you, that feeling would never fade? Because, I can assure you, it would. Love is a guarantee of absolutely nothing. Haven’t you learned that yourself? Look at your own father. You thought he loved you but he would have killed your own baby if he could have, and now he won’t even come to your wedding. Is that love?’
Her face crumpled and he regretted his harsh words. He’d been so caught up in the moment, in his own memories. He reached for her hands. ‘Halina...’
‘Maybe you’re right, Rico,’ Halina said, her expression composed now, although her voice trembled. ‘Love can fade, or at least seem as if it does. But I choose to believe, and to hope. People make mistakes, they do unloving things, but at the core of their being the love remains. And I choose to believe that my father still loves me, and eventually he’ll realise the mistakes he made. That’s the difference. Someone who loves you can still let you down. They’re only human. But because you love them, and they love you, you keep going. You forgive and you grow stronger, and you move on. Together. You asked me what love is. Well, that’s my definition.’
Rico stared at her, humbled by her brave honesty and also by the gaping emptiness he felt in himself. Had he ever felt that, either to give or to receive? Did he even know what love was?
‘So we’re right back at the beginning,’ Halina said with an attempt at a laugh. She shook her head sadly. ‘There’s no solution, is there, Rico? We’re going to get married, but you will never love me. I just have to live with it.’
‘I might not love you,’ Rico said, ‘but, as I told you before, I will protect and provide for you. Always. I will be loyal and faithful, and I will do anything in my power to make you happy. Isn’t that enough?’
Her mouth curved in a sorrowful smile as she answered. ‘I suppose it will have to be.’
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
A WEEK BEFORE the wedding Halina woke up in the middle of the night with terrible stomach cramps. It had been a week since her all-too-honest conversation with Rico, a week of learning to live without love and finding a way to be happy. At times she’d felt she was on the verge of finding it: when she and Rico could laugh together, when he reached for her in bed. But then memories would rush through her, or he would roll away, and she feared she’d always be searching for that ever-elusive feeling.
Now she lay in bed, blinking up at the ceiling as her stomach cramped, muscles contracting painfully. She was only four months along, and in the last few days she’d felt the first flutters of movement, which had filled her with joy. Now she feared something was wrong.
Quietly she slid from the bed and went to the bathroom, hoping that the issue was merely a spicy meal that had disagreed with her. But when she saw the rusty streak of blood on the toilet paper she knew otherwise.
Her soft scream had Rico bolting upright in bed. ‘Halina?’
She came out of the bathroom, her whole body trembling. ‘I’m bleeding,’ she whispered. Her body throbbed with terror as her stomach continued to cramp. ‘Rico, I’m bleeding.’
Rico’s eyes widened as he got her full meaning. ‘I’ll take you to the hospital,’ he said, already getting out of bed. ‘To the emergency department, right now.’
Halina watched, fear hammering through her, as Rico pulled on a shirt and trousers. He was in the middle of buttoning his shirt when he saw that she hadn’t moved from the doorway of the bathroom.
‘Halina, we need to go.’
‘I’m scared.’ The two words fell softly into the stillness. She wrapped her arms around herself. ‘I don’t want to lose this baby. I can’t. Not after everything...’
‘You won’t.’ Rico took her by the shoulders and stared into her eyes, his expression both grim and comforting. ‘You won’t. The doctors will figure out what’s going on. They’ll help you and they will help our baby.’