‘I just miss my family,’ Halina said, which was the truth, if not all of it. ‘I wish they could be here for the wedding.’
Rico sat back, his lips pressed together. ‘You are right, in that there is nothing I can do about that.’
‘I know.’ She sniffed and took a sip of sparkling water. ‘I’m sorry. I’ll be better in a moment.’ She managed a wobbly smile. ‘It’s all these pregnancy hormones making me emotional.’ But it was so much more.
‘You don’t need to be sorry.’ Rico was subjecting her to one of his thorough, considering glances. ‘But there’s something else, isn’t there?’
‘Oh, Rico.’ Halina let out a shuddery laugh as she rolled her eyes. ‘What if there was?’
‘Then I want to know.’
She stared at him for a moment, knowing he wouldn’t let it go. Well, fine. She’d asked for honesty from him once; now he could have it from her, at least some of it.
‘All right.’ She took a deep, steadying breath. ‘The truth is, I’m sad because I know you don’t love me, and from what you’ve said you’ll probably never love me. I’m trying to come to terms with it, but it’s hard. I know I was willing to marry a virtual stranger, but a cold, loveless union is not what I’ve ever wanted for my life.’
* * *
Rico stared at Halina, trying not to let his emotions show on his face. His utter horror at what she’d just stated with such stark, bleak honesty. He must not have done a very good job because Halina let out a huff of humourless laughter.
‘You don’t have to look quite so appalled. Consider the bright side—I do know what I’m getting into.’ She looked away, blinking rapidly, appalling him further. ‘You made sure of that.’
‘Yes, but I... I didn’t realise you wanted...love quite so much.’
‘Is it so surprising? Isn’t it what most people want?’ She turned back to give him a direct, challenging look. ‘Perhaps you’re the strange one, Rico, not me.’
‘Perhaps.’ He knew, on some level, she’d wanted love. She’d said as much, but he’d been sure he could convince her otherwise.
What was love anyway? Nothing more than a feeling, as ephemeral as the morning mist. Halina could learn to live without it, just as he had. Everything would be better that way. Happier, even. He just had to convince her of it.
Rico eyed her carefully. ‘Halina,’ he began, choosing each word with delicate precision, ‘Just because we do not love each other...we can still be happy together.’
‘Can we?’ Tears shimmered in her eyes and she blinked them back resolutely. ‘I know all this emotion is appalling you, Rico. I’m sorry.’
‘For heaven’s sake, you don’t need to be sorry.’ Did she think he was that intransigent, that hard and unyielding? Perhaps once he had been, but now... He had changed, at least a little. Just not too much. ‘You can’t help the way you feel.’
‘Just as you can’t help the way you don’t.’ She forced a smile. ‘So there we are.’
‘It doesn’t have to be all gloom and despair,’ Rico persisted, trying to keep the impatience and urgency from his voice. ‘What is love anyway, Halina? A feeling? A warm glow in your heart?’
She flinched at the scorn he’d unintentionally and instinctively put into those words. ‘Maybe that’s a sign of it, Rico, but it’s not all love is.’ Her lip curled, and now she was as contemptuous as he was. ‘Love is so much more than that, which you should know, since you’ve loved someone before.’
He felt himself go still. ‘What makes you say that?’
‘You said it before,’ she answered with a shrug, her pain-filled gaze sliding away from his. ‘You told me it was a long time ago, but she obviously hurt you very badly if you can’t bear the thought of letting yourself love someone years later.’
‘She?’ Rico repeated blankly, and Halina turned back to him with a frown.
‘The woman, whoever she was.’
‘There was no woman, Halina.’ Perhaps it would have been easier, safer, to pretend there had been, but it didn’t feel fair to Halina and he didn’t want her to labour under the misapprehension that he’d loved another woman but wouldn’t love her. ‘I told you before, I’ve never been in love with anyone.’
‘Then who was it who broke your heart?’ Halina asked in a whisper. Rico flinched at the phrase.
Broke his heart. So trite, so real. ‘It was my father,’ he said after a tense pause. ‘He hurt me very badly when I was a child and I never forgot it.’
‘What did he do?’
‘He didn’t love me back,’ Rico said simply. Even that felt like admitting way too much. Halina stared at him, her gaze both searching and yearning.