“Damn right I am. ” But the knots twisting my gut begin to unravel when I lie back and Beth wraps her body gingerly around mine.
She’s hesitant, testing areas first to confirm the contact won’t make me sore, and I’m gentle when placing an arm around her so that I don’t jostle her arm.
When we’re settled, I exhale and close my eyes. I’ve dreamed of this for seven days. Who knows, I’m probably dreaming now. If I am, maybe Beth will do something that’s hard for her; maybe she’ll give me answers. “Why did you believe Gwen over me?”
Beth
I READJUST, SNUGGLING CLOSER to Ryan, but braced for signs that I’ve hurt him. I can hear his heart now and the inhale and exhale of air through his lungs. If I weren’t so damn tired, I could possibly cry. I thought I lost him at my mom’s apartment.
Ryan runs a hand through my hair and I lick my lips, searching for courage. He deserves an answer. If not because he risked his life to save me, then because I love him. “I didn’t trust you. ”
His heart beats several times before he speaks again. “Why?”
Because I was stupid. “I don’t know. …” I don’t have Ryan’s way with words. They’re hard for me. Difficult. At least words that have emotion. “I guess it was easier to believe that you used me rather than loved me. To be honest…I don’t get it. Why would someone like you want to be with someone like me?”
Ryan tips my chin up so that I have to look him in the eye. “Because I love you. Beth—you’re everything I want to be. You’re alive and live without apology. I never would have made love to you if I thought you didn’t trust me…or love me. And I never would have done it if I didn’t trust and love you. ”
I lean up on my elbow and my heart is practically yanked out of my chest by the hurt in his eyes. “I do love you, and I want to trust you. …It’s just that…I try. …And…”
Just damn. I slam my good hand on the bed.
Why can’t I explain it? Why am I so impaired?
“Hey. ” The authority in his tone causes me to meet his gaze. My heart stalls when Ryan caresses my cheek with one finger and, under his touch, my skin turns red. I miss this. I’ve missed him. Maybe I’m not fucking this all up.
“Breathe,” he instructs. “It’s okay. Take your time, but just keep talking. ”
Keep talking. I actually stick out my tongue in disgust and Ryan fights a smile. If he weren’t so battered already I’d sock his arm. I blow out a rush of air and try again.
“I don’t know. …I just don’t…trust…me. ” I blink and so does Ryan and it feels sort of scary and exposing to have said something so raw. He rubs my arm, urging me to continue, and I don’t know how to continue. That’s bull. I just don’t want to continue. But this is beyond what I want. This is about me and Ryan.
“I don’t want to make bad choices anymore. ” I glance at him, hoping I’m making sense, because I’m not sure that I am. “And I sort of think that any choice is bad because I’m making it and then I meet you and you’re great and you’re wonderful and you love me and I love you and I’m just so damned scared I’m going to screw it all up. …”
I slam my eyes shut and my lower lip trembles. “And I did. I messed it all up again. ”
Ryan cups my cheek with his palm. I lean into it and open my eyes. “I’m glad it happened,” he says.
“I thought they ran an MRI on your head. ”
His eyes laugh. “They did. Just answer me this—before Trent arrived, were you going to leave with me?”
I swallow and I’m nodding before I answer.
“Yes. ”
“Why?”
My eyes narrow as I try to understand the question.
“No, Beth. Don’t think about it. Just give me the first answer that comes to mind. Why were you going to leave with me?”
My eyes flash to his and my mouth pops open. No, it’s not possible, because if it is, then it’s a first for me.
The same hope I’ve seen a million times from Ryan builds on his face. Is it possible he’s known all along? “Say it, Beth. ”
“I love you. ” Those used to be the hard words, but now they’re easier. I exhale and the air shakes as it comes out of my mouth.
“Nice try,” he says. “The other thing. Say that. ”