She reminds me way too much of Robert in this moment that it’s actually spooky. “Shut up! You know what I mean.” I giggle, pushing her away.
Chuckling, she returns to tapping on her phone. “I don’t know. You are going out with my twin brother. Maybe that’s just because you secretly want me and he’s the next best thing.”
Robert isn’t the next best anything, he’s the only thing, but I don’t tell her that. I don’t want to bore people with my newfound warm and fuzzy feelings for him.
I gape at her for a long time until she looks up from her phone.
“Hey! I was just teasing — take a chill pill. We both know I was the one with the inappropriate crush on you. It feels like I’m going to spend the rest of my life having inappropriate crushes on my friends, secretly dying inside.”
I try not to think too much about that last bit. Was she dying inside when we were teenagers? Instead, I tuck my legs underneath me and sit up straight.
“You can’t let that happen. And the only way to do it is to be upfront if you like someone. For crying out, Sasha, you’re living in London. There are gay girls around every corner. You should be getting out there and meeting some of them.”
“Fine, fine,” she says, holding up her hands. “I’ll ask the barista girl out and see what she says. The worst that could happen would be for her to say she’s sorry but she doesn’t swing that way.”
“Exactly!” I say enthusiastically, giving her a high-five. She returns it, though at the same time gives me a look informing me I’m a massive nerd.
The night before we’re supposed to go to Alan’s house in Hampstead Heath for Sasha’s big “coming out” dinner, I’m standing in my bedroom folding some clean clothes that I just took out of the tumble dryer. It’s been a busy day, and I’ve hardly gotten to see Robert at all.
A moment later, I feel strong arms coming around me and smell what I have now come to recognise as Robert’s signature cologne: Armani Code. Sometimes I like to spray some on myself just so I can be reminded of him when he’s not with me. I promise it isn’t as weird as it sounds.
With one arm around my waist, he pushes me forward so I’m bent over, my hands hitting the surface of the bed. He reaches down between my legs and spreads them, his fingers whispering over my knickers beneath the skirt I’m wearing. Next, he slides the zipper down and pulls the skirt off me. I don’t even bother to ask what he’s doing, because I already know. I’ve missed him today, too.
“Hmm,” he murmurs, giving my bottom a tender slap. He pulls my knickers to the side so he can slip a finger into me. “Already wet,” he goes on, sucking air in through his teeth. He dips in one more finger and I sigh, so he puts in a third, filling me up completely.
“Please,” I whimper.
He continues to pump in and out until I’m heaving and begging to have him inside me. He grips my waist, his large hands feeling like they could easily span its entire width.
“You’ve got the most perfect arse I’ve ever seen,” he tells me, his voice dripping with seduction. Pressing his erection hard against my bottom, he lets his hand slip between my cheeks, tracing over a place he hasn’t touched before. I jerk in response, but he brings his other hand forward to rub soothingly at my stomach, calming me like I’m a jittery horse or something.
“Robert, don’t,” I beg nervously.
“Shush,” he says, his voice husky. “Just let me…”
The next thing I hear is him unzipping his pants. “I got the results back yesterday,” he whispers, licking the back of my neck.
I don’t even have the brain capacity to respond to what he’s saying; all I know is that I’m going to burst if he doesn’t do something to quell this achy need in me soon.
He positions himself and then he’s easing into me, his fingers still circling my back entrance. I’m immediately aware of the difference, the feeling of him in me without a condom, and how much better it is. How right it feels.
“Jesus Christ, that’s fucking heavenly,” he groans.
With one hand on my neck, he pulls me back to him, pounding against me fast and grunting. I get lost in the rhythm, not realising that his thumb is putting pressure on my anus, circling it and then edging inside the tiniest bit.
“Fuck,” I swear. “That’s…that’s…”
“Unexpected, but good,” Robert suggests breathlessly. “I want to claim every part of you.”
“Yes!”
“You like that, beautiful?” he asks, nipping at my earlobe.
“Oh, God.”
“Just feel it,” he tells me, and it’s like he’s everywhere, his voice, his body, covering every inch of me entirely. With each movement of his thumb he ventures deeper, and I never knew that something so forbidden could feel so good, especially combined with the pounding of his cock inside me.
Robert’s face sinks into the hollow of my neck as he comes, biting down into my skin. I try to muffle my cries, but they come out loud and shaky anyway. He draws himself out and clutches me tightly to him, my back crushed hard against his front. Then he begins circling my clit, and I come within seconds.
Throwing back the covers, he lifts me into the bed and brings my head to rest against his sternum. In the dark, silent house, I feel sated and whole. I spend a long time reliving what we just did, only to find I’ve fallen asleep and my thoughts have melded with my dreams.
The following morning I’m not feeling so great. There’s a weakness in my body, and I just want to stay in bed and rest, but I know Sasha needs me today, so I put on a brave face and soldier through. On the drive to Alan’s she bites frantically at her nails while sitting in the back seat of Robert’s car. I turn to the side, reaching out to her from the front and clasping her hand in mine.