“It pisses me off,” I say. “I want someone to yell at.”
Rocco shrugs again.
“Aren’t you pissed off?”
“I guess sometimes I get mad about it but not usually.”
“Don’t you want to...to...I don’t know, get back at someone?”
“No.”
“Ugh.”
Rocco tilts his head to look up at me, his brow furrowed and his eyes pensive. He looks at me for a long moment.
“You had someone to blame,” he says simply.
“Yeah.”
“Did that make it easier?”
“Yeah,” I say after a moment of thought, “I think it did. I have a place—a person—to direct my anger toward. Otherwise, I think I would just be pissed at myself.”
“I guess that makes sense.” Rocco turns away, snuggling against me.
“You don’t agree?”
He shrugs once more, and I start to reach for his chin but pause.
“How about an answer with words?” I say, trying to keep my voice restrained even though I’m getting frustrated.
“I guess I never saw the point of blame,” he said with yet another shrug. “It doesn’t get you anywhere. It doesn’t change what happened.”
“No, it doesn’t. It does make me feel better though.”
“Does it?”
If anyone else had said the same two words, I might have thought they were being sarcastic or, at the very least, snarky. Rocco isn’t really the type to be either, so I have to think about it for a while before I answer.
“It did at first,” I finally say. “I don’t know about now.”
“You’re still angry.”
“Yes.”
“But your...your dad is in jail, right?”
“Prison forever, yes.”
“Do you ever talk to him?”
“God, no!”
“Sorry,” Rocco mutters.
“I haven’t seen him since he was sentenced, and I hope he dies in prison sooner rather than later!” The viciousness in my voice is unexpected. I try to pull myself together, but I’m starting to shake.
Rocco reaches up and places his hand on my cheek. He says nothing but keeps his gaze on mine. Though the question upset me, I realize he doesn’t even know who his parents are, and he might very well be interested in seeing them regardless of what happened in the past. Maybe it would answer questions or just give him some closure, but he’ll probably never have the opportunity. None of this changes how I feel about my own father, but I see how Rocco would feel differently.