“It’s okay, Roc. You can tell me anything you want. I’m not going to judge you.”
“I...I...”—he stops and huffs out a breath before whispering—"I got hard.”
I open my mouth to say that was exactly what I wanted, but I stop myself. I open my mouth again and consider asking him if that was what he wanted, but again, I stop as another realization smacks me in the face.
“Rocco, have you ever had sex before?”
He shakes his head.
“Have you gotten close? Made out? Been felt up? Gotten a blow job?”
He shakes his head again as he stares at his hands in his lap. He blinks a few times as if he’s holding back tears.
“That’s okay, you know.”
He lets out a short, sharp laugh.
“I’m not joking.”
“It’s not okay. I’m almost twenty-three years old, and I’ve never done anything like that with anyone. I don’t know how to act with people, so no one ever wants to come near me. I drive people away just by existing. I’m not okay, and I’m sorry you got dragged into this.”
“Who got dragged? I’m pretty sure I’m the one who insisted on it. That’s me insisting on being around you, which isn’t a lot like being driven away.”
“Still...”
“Still nothing, Rocco. This has been all my idea, and if it fails, that’s on me, not you.”
“I did tell you I was a train wreck.”
“And I told you I didn’t care about that. I’m fucked up, too, you know.”
“Not like me.”
“And how do you know that?” I place my hands on my hips. “You don’t know much more about me than I know about you. I’ve got my own level of trauma in my past, you know.”
“I...I...” Rocco scrunches up his face.
“It’s all right,” I say with a sigh. “Just...don’t make assumptions.”
“Sorry,” he whispers.
He’s agitated, and I need to calm him down again if we’re going to make any progress. I only know one way to do that.
“Do you want me to tie you again?”
“Yeah.”
“Now?”
“Yeah.”
“Stand up, then.”
I tie Rocco’s hands behind his back, then begin to wrap ropes around him. I watch his eyes close and his body slump forward a little as I contemplate what Cree said to me.
Rocco is different, and I need to treat him differently.
“Do you want to use safewords?” I ask.