Crap! I am so screwed.
I meant it, though, about wanting to give him a blowjob. I’ve never done it before, but he’s eaten me out twice. And he’s been super respectful about not pushing for sex. Or full penetration—whatever. So I want to give back.
And that gives me excited flutters. I like that it’s a promise we’re doing this again, too. I don’t know what our relationship is—especially considering his dad would kill him if he knew about it—but I’m definitely considering us a thing now.
Not that defining relationships ever did anything but box people in.
“Cole?” I don’t look at him. I stare up at fluffy white clouds against the pale blue sky.
“Yeah?”
“I wasn’t supposed to like you.”
“Don’t start now,” he says, almost immediately. There’s no teasing quality to his voice, either. “You would definitely regret it.”
Ouch. If my wariness fell away with his promise that we hold each other’s secrets, it screams back in full force now. I sit up, wanting to flee as fast as I can. I try to scoot to the edge of the table, but Cole’s strong arm bands around my waist and he drags me back to sit on his lap.
“Don’t run.” It’s a soft command, his lips moving against my ear. He bites my neck, then kisses the same place. “I don’t want you to run.” He shifts the arm around my waist to slide his palm up my side and cup one breast. “I don’t know what we’re doing, but I fucking love the way it feels. And so do you. We both need this. Admit it.”
Because I’m still butt-hurt, I keep my lips firmly closed, even though he’s definitely right.
He releases my boob at my lack of response and turns me on his lap, threading my leg across so I’m straddling him. His strength is stunning. I’ve never felt so light and petite before. I definitely don’t worry about being too heavy for his thighs.
“I’m not going to be your boyfriend, Pink. I won’t hold your hand in the hallways or ask you to the prom. You saw”—he gestures in the direction of our homes—“I can’t even drive you home without a shitstorm. I’m barely keeping my life together, Bails.” He strokes one hand up and down my thigh, as if to soften the harshness of his words. “So don’t sign me up for love. Or like or anything. Don’t have any expectations of me. All I can promise is what we have. This.” He waves his hand at the picnic table and park.
I still want to run. He’s being honest with me. I should appreciate it, but instead it’s like being broken up with. And I’m way too raw after what we just did for this. I nod and try to swing my leg off, but he catches it.
“Bailey.” He catches my gaze and holds it, intensity glittering in his dark eyes.
“What?” I’m pissy, and I don’t bother hiding it.
“I wasn’t supposed to like you, either. I was pissed. You moved in next door right when things were at their worst with my dad. He’d just been fired and replaced by your mom and he seriously tried to drink himself to death. He’d been prone to drinking and violence since my mom left him two years ago, but it got so much worse.”
My stomach tightens into a knot listening to Cole. He’s baring himself to me—something I never expected.
“Pretty much my life sucked and I wanted someone to blame for it. I picked you. I’m sorry. Nah, fuck that, I’m not sorry, Pink.”
I stare, mouth open in surprise, the knot in my stomach moving up and lodging under my ribs.
“I’m not sorry because I know we both needed this. I didn’t understand my obsession with you then and it came from a dark place, but now—now it seems so clear. The darkness is gone. I satisfy my need to punish you and you release your guilt. We fit. Maybe just for this moment in time, this one blip in our lives, we come together. We find absolution. In each other.”
My mouth is dry. I try and fail to swallow. “So… this is just sexual?”
“No way. I’ve had sex before and it was nothing like what happens with you. Definitely more than sexual.” He finds my hands and twines his fingers between mine, holding our hands up by our shoulders, like we’re meeting at an invisible wall. “But do we have to define it? I fucking know you feel the same way. Just admit it.”
I nod mutely. “I’m driving now. I could always transfer to Cave Hills. Get a boyfriend who’s happy to acknowledge me in the halls at school.”
“But you’re not going to.”
“No. I’m not going to.” For better or worse I’m locked into a twisted dance with Cole. I have to see it through. And it may be messed up, but right now I’d rather see him, have him near every day, in any capacity that I can have him, than go to Cave Hill.