“How could you?” I pushed myself away from them, out of their Circle of Sight. I’d seen enough.
“I didn’t have a choice. She couldn’t let you go.” Amma looked at me, ashamed. “I couldn’t either.”
I scrambled to my feet, shaking my head. “It’s a lie. She wouldn’t do it.” But I knew she would. They both would. It was exactly what they would have done. I knew, because I would’ve done it, too.
It didn’t matter now.
In my whole life, I had never been so angry with Amma, or so disappointed. “You knew the Book wouldn’t give anything without taking something in return. You told me that yourself.”
“I know.”
“Lena will have to pay a price for this, because of me. You both will.” My head felt like it was going to split in half, or explode.
A renegade tear caught on Amma’s cheek. She put two fingers on her forehead and closed her eyes, Amma’s version of making the sign of the cross, a silent prayer. “She’s payin’ it right now.”
I couldn’t breathe.
Lena’s eyes. The stunt at the fair. Running away with John Breed. The words found their way out, even as I tried to hold them in.
“She’s going Dark because of me.”
“If Lena’s going Dark, it’s not because a that Book. The Book made a different kinda trade.” Amma stopped, as if she couldn’t bear to tell me the rest.
“What kind of trade?”
“It gave one life but took another. We knew there’d be consequences.” The words caught in her throat. “We just didn’t know it would be Melchizedek.”
Macon.
It couldn’t be true.
It gave one life but took another. A different kind of trade.
My life for Macon’s.
It all made sense. The way Lena had been acting the past few months. The way she had been pulling away from me, from everyone. The way she had been blaming herself for Macon’s death.
It was true. She had killed him.
To save me.
I thought about her notebook and the Charmed page I’d found. What had the words said? Amma? Sarafine? Macon? The Book? It was the real story of that night. I remembered the poems written on her wall. Nobody the Dead and Nobody the Living. Two sides of the same coin. Macon and me.
Nothing green can stay. Months ago, I believed she’d gotten the Frost poem wrong. But of course, she hadn’t. She was talking about herself.
I thought about how it seemed painful for her to look at me. No wonder she felt guilty. No wonder she ran. I wondered if she could ever stand to look at me again. Lena had done it all because of me. It wasn’t her fault.
It was mine.
* * *
No one said anything. There was no turning back now, not for any of us. What Lena and Amma had done that night couldn’t be undone. I shouldn’t be here, but I was.
“It’s da Order, and you can’t stop da Order.” Twyla closed her eyes, as if she could hear something I couldn’t.
Amma pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and wiped her face. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I’m not sorry we did it. It was the only way.”
“You don’t understand. Lena thinks she’s going Dark. She ran away with some kind of Dark Caster, or Incubus. She’s in danger because of me.”