“That’s funny, because the last time I saw you, you were ditching me.” I tried to sound casual, but I just sounded angry.
“I wasn’t ditching you, exactly.” She was defensive.
“No, you were throwing trees at me and jumping on the back of a bike with some other guy.”
“I wasn’t throwing trees.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”
She shrugged. “More like branches.”
But I could tell I had gotten to her. She twisted the tiny paper-clip star I had given her, until I thought it was going to snap off of her necklace. “I’m sorry, Ethan. I don’t know what’s going on with me.” Her voice was soft, honest. “Sometimes I feel like everything is closing in, and I can’t take it. I wasn’t ditching you at the lake. I was ditching me.”
“You sure about that?”
She looked back up at me, a tear sliding down her cheek. She wiped it away, her fingers balled in frustration. She opened her fist and put her hand on my chest, resting it over my heart.
It’s not you. I love you.
“I love you.” She said it out loud this time and the words hung in the air between us, so much more public than when we Kelted. My chest tightened when she said it, and my breath caught in my throat. I tried to think of something sarcastic to say, but I couldn’t think about anything except how beautiful she was and how much I loved her, too.
But I wasn’t letting her off that easy this time. I broke the truce. “What’s going on, L? If you love me so much, what’s the deal with John Breed?”
She looked away without saying a word.
Answer me.
“It’s not like that, Ethan. John’s just a friend of Ridley’s. There’s nothing going on between us.”
“How long has nothing been going on? Since you took that picture of him in the graveyard?”
“It wasn’t a picture of him. It was his bike. I was meeting Ridley, and he happened to be there.” I noticed she ignored the question.
“Since when have you been hanging out with Ridley? Did you forget the part where she separated us so your mother could get you alone and try to convince you to go over to the Dark side? Or when Ridley almost killed my father?”
Lena pulled her arm away from me, and I could feel her withdrawing again, moving back into that place I couldn’t reach. “Ridley warned me you wouldn’t understand. You’re a Mortal. You don’t know anything about me, not the real me. That’s why I didn’t tell you.” I felt a sudden breeze as the storm clouds rolled in like a warning.
“How do you know w
hether I would understand or not? You haven’t told me anything. Maybe if you gave me the chance instead of sneaking around behind my back—”
“What do you want me to tell you? That I have no idea what’s going on with me? That something’s changing, something I don’t understand? That I feel like a freak, and Ridley’s the only one who can help me figure it out?”
I could hear everything she was saying, but she was right. I didn’t understand. “Are you listening to yourself? You think Ridley’s trying to help you, that you can trust her? She’s a Dark Caster, L. Look at yourself! You think this is you? The things you’re feeling, she’s probably causing them.”
I waited for the downpour, but instead the clouds parted. Lena moved closer and put her hands on my chest again, staring up at me, pleading. “Ethan, she’s changed. She doesn’t want to be Dark. It ruined her life when she Turned. She lost everyone, including herself. Ridley says going Dark changes the way you feel about people. You can sense the feelings you had, the things you loved, but Rid says the feelings are distant. Almost like they belong to someone else.”
“But you said it wasn’t something she could control.”
“I was wrong. Look at Uncle Macon. He knew how to control it, and Ridley’s learning, too.”
“Ridley is not Macon.”
Heat lightning flashed across the sky. “You don’t know anything.”
“That’s right. I’m a stupid Mortal. I don’t know anything about your supersecret Caster world and skanky Caster cousin, or Caster Boy and his Harley.”
Lena snapped. “Ridley and I were like sisters, and I can’t turn my back on her. I told you, I need her right now. And she needs me.”