She wanted a fairytale ending?
"Donkey! Go!" I kicked the donkey's sides. It turned its head and looked at me like I was some sort of irritating fly, buzzing around his overly large ears. "Donkey, go!"
"Well, shit."
The donkey hee-hawed and took off into a gallop after Beth. I held on for dear life as the ride jolted my teeth near out of my head. Really? Shit was his word?
"Beth!"
The donkey slowed.
"Shit, donkey. Shit!"
Hello, second wind.
"Jace!" she called from behind her. "What do I do?"
The guide had stopped his own horse and was looking on. He took an apple out of his bag and bit into it as juice ran down his chin.
"A little help!" I yelled as Donkey decided to slow down to a walk.
"The horse will stop when it wants to stop," the guide yelled back.
Tour guide, my ass. Had we even signed release forms?
"Beth, pull on the reigns!"
Donkey was gaining on her. Okay that was a lie. Mold grew faster than the animal was moving.
"Tug them back and say halt!"
"Halt!" Beth yelled, pulling on the reigns.
The horse reared up again, this time causing Beth to fall out of the saddle and down the horse's backside, directly into a puddle of water.
But hey, the horse stopped. So I counted it a win.
"Whoa there, boy, whoa."
The donkey screeched to a halt or, if you were watching, slowly took one last step and began chewing on the grass next to Beth's foot.
I jumped off and ran toward her, much like a prince rescuing the fair damsel. You know, if the prince rode an ass and used a hair dryer to fight off spiders. Then sure, I was the prince. "Are you hurt?"
"I don't think so?" Beth touched her fingers to her temples and shook her head a few times. "But I'm going to have a bruise on my entire backside for at least a month."
I couldn't hold my laugh in any longer. "Some excursion, huh?"
"Yeah," her eyes narrowed, "some excursion." She pulled me into the rather large puddle and splashed me with water.
Laughing, I pulled her into my arms and kissed her. It just seemed like the right moment — you know, with Donkey looking on and farting and the mud caked to my chest and face.
"I'd get up if I were you." The guide suddenly appeared with his horse and damn half-eaten apple.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah." He took another loud bite of his apple. "Puddles are a mating ground for mosquitos, and those bites swell as big as watermelon around here."
Beth and I both jumped up as fast as we could. The ten year old in me wanted to push her back into the puddle, point, and laugh. Fairytale, fairytale. I clenched my teeth. I really needed to start trying harder. The sooner things went well, the sooner I could put the week of spiders, donkeys, and mating mosquitoes behind me.