Except…
The image of Carden slammed into my mind. There was another kind of love that I’d be very open to. And I had a willing partner. I didn’t know if the vampire offered love in any emotional sense, but I suspected he’d happily offer the physical part—which was not to be underrated. I was desperately curious about sex. The bond had given me a physical craving for him, but ever since watching him on the beach, spying the unexpected layers of sadness and anger at Acari Kate’s death, I’d ached for him in a whole other way. I wanted him to kiss me again, sure. But now I had the weirdest urge to simply be held by him.
Only I would want a vampire hug. Freak.
“Earth to Blondie. ” Yas reached over Emma to scruff my hair. “What is up with you?”
I flinched away. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’re wearing your crazy eyes this morning. ” He raised his brows, going all bug-eyed.
I didn’t feel like playing along. I had big, round eyes to begin with—my dad had always called attention to them—and it was something I didn’t feel like remembering at the moment.
Yas wasn’t one to pick up on subtle cues, though. “Last time I saw you with those eyes, you were about to fight your roommate. ” He quickly looked to Mei-Ling. “Not you, Tiger Cub. Of course. ”
“Tiger Cub?” Emma and I asked in unison.
But Mei ignored him, asking me, “What happened to your last roommate?”
My pals and I exchanged a look. “Dead,” I said.
“We hope,” Emma muttered.
“That chick was crazy,” Yas said with gusto. “There was some big competition in the spring,” he explained to Mei. “One-on-one girl action. It was nuts. Princess here won the show. ” He scruffed my hair again.
I shot him a look. “Would you stop that?”
“Never,” he assured me. Puffing with pride, he added, “Emma here saved the day in her own way. When she found out she was going to have to face D in the ring, she pulled out. Now, that’s balls. ”
I rolled my eyes. “How romantic. ”
“That’s how he sweet-talks me,” Emma said quietly. “He accuses me of having testicles. ”
Yasuo snorted like it was the funniest thing ever. And it was true—her shy prairie manner had a way of turning simple statements into amazingly funny deadpan.
I stole a look at the two of them. They weren’t holding hands—that’d be stupid—but I caught them bumping shoulders. He looked like a puppy dog.
What would it be like to walk along, doing the occasional shoulder bump with Carden?
Like that would ever happen. My excruciating hunger came back full force at the thought. I tightened my abs, pretending the pain I felt was simply muscular instead of this deep-down longing.
I shoved my hands in the pockets of my fleece, racking my mind to come up with more conversation. The best I could come up with was, “So much for summer. It’s getting cold already. ”
Was I colder than usual, more susceptible to even the weather without Carden’s blood?
Between my thirst for Carden and the memory of Lilac, I was tense, and Emma must’ve sensed it. She was never the one to break the silence with conversation, but she turned to Mei and asked, “Which class do you have this morning?”
“Combat,” she said, her voice quick and tight. The girl was usually so hard to read, but just then it was like she’d used a neon sign to announce her anxiety.
I forgot about my own problems for the moment. “You’re worried about your hands, aren’t you?”
Her eyes flew to mine. “Yes. How did you know?” She sounded unsettled that I’d guessed.
“Don’t freak out. ” I gave her what I hoped would be seen as a casual nudge. “You mentioned it before, remember? Besides, you keep fisting and unfisting them. ”
Yas added, “Girl, you look like you’re secretly fantasizing about strangling someone. ”
She looked from her hands to me, and I saw the flicker of vulnerability in her eyes. Mei was showing me just a little bit more of herself than before. “It’s just…everyone looks so bruised. ”