And that's when I get it.
That's the moment I see the piece of the puzzle that's been eluding me. When I understand the whole big picture in all it's scary, horrible mess.
When I know that this might very well be the night that destroys us. Because I've known since the night I met him that Lyle was broken, but I went and fell in love with him anyway.
And now...
Well, now I have to find out if he loves me too.
And if he does, is he going to stick and heal, or is he going to push me away? Just one more desire he avoids? One more hair shirt to assuage his guilt?
Tentatively, I take a step toward him, then another and another until I'm so close I can almost hear his heart beat.
"You like to face your fears?" I repeat, then continue before he has time to answer. "The easy ones, maybe. Like tall buildings and thrill rides and private planes. But you're still a slave to the hard ones, Lyle. You're still afraid of letting go of Jenny."
At first there's only surprise on his face, but it's pushed out quickly by anger.
Clearly, I've touched a nerve.
I lick my lips, gathering courage, because I intend to keep on touching it.
"I was right that first night, Lyle. You needed a wall to rail against. The women you hired weren't for sex. They were for punishment. To punish yourself for what happened to Jenny."
"You have no idea," he says harshly. "No fucking idea what you're talking about."
"The hell I don't. It's all here in this condo. You're punishing yourself for Jenny's death. Punishing yourself by not living your own life. You're living her career, Lyle, not yours. Her dream condo. Her ideal career."
"No," he says, but I ignore him. I know I'm right, and I press on, forcing myself to speak, because otherwise I'm going to cry.
"That's why you don't do relationships. It's not because you've been focusing on your career or because you don't know if your date wants you or is only chasing a celebrity. That's not even an issue. It's all about punishment."
He's standing still, his expression stoic.
I have no idea what he's thinking. All I can do is continue.
"And not just punishment, Lyle, but fear. You lost your mom. You lost Jenny. What else are you going to lose, right? And it's scary--I get that."
Tears stream down my face, and I brush them away with my palms. "Losing my mom and Andy about destroyed me, but I'm also so grateful for the time I had with them."
"Sugar," he says, his voice hoarse. He reaches for me, but I'm not ready for him to touch me yet. I must get this out. He has to hear all of it.
"Do you want to know the really scary, ironic part? I'm in love with you. Completely. And I'm certain that you're in love with me, too. Maybe it was fast. Maybe that makes it scarier. But it's real.
"And I'm terrified you're going to push me away because it scares you." I put my hands on his shoulders, then press my body against his. "And you know what? If you do, I'll survive. I'll be pissed as hell and hurt and all sorts of nasty emotions. But I'll survive. And I won't regret this feeling. Not ever. Because it's real," I say, pressing my hand over his heart. "Even if it's terrifying."
I draw a shaky breath. My adrenalin rush has worn off, and now I feel a little mortified that I went off on him like that. But the fear is real. This is a man who didn't go looking for love. We snuck up on each other, creeping backwards and with blinders.
He wasn't ready, and I get that.
I just hope he's ready now.
I take a step back, certain he needs space, but he yanks me to him, then kisses me so hard I'm sure my lips are bruised.
"Was that a goodbye kiss?" I ask when my heart stops pounding.
"That was an I don't like what you were saying kiss."
I nod, disappointed.