I sit up, confused, and then angry when I realize that we'd drifted off. We have so little time before he leaves, and I hate that we've wasted even a moment.
Beside me, Blake wakes, and I see the same realization play over his face. He tamps down the disappointment, then smiles at me. "I've missed you so much," he admits as he pushes himself up to lean against the headboard. "Please tell me it's not one-sided."
I sigh and scoot next to him. "There hasn't been a minute since I left that I haven't regretted not going with you to Hawaii after we finally landed in LA."
"But you had your audition, your five-year plan. You're working for Stark now, so I'm guessing you didn't get the pilot?"
"I got it. We shot three episodes, and I think it was some of my best work."
"Then ... what?"
"They shelved it." I say flatly. "And I quit the next day. I didn't bother waiting for my twenty-sixth birthday. There was no point. I realized I'd never be able to control anything so long as I stayed in acting. Too much of it was out of my hands and it made me crazy." I shrug. "Honestly, I don't miss it."
What I don't tell him is that the best moment of my life--meeting him--had also been unplanned and out of my control. I know it; I'm still not quite ready to face it.
"Anyway, I got the job at Stark International, partly because of their employee education program. I'm working toward my business degree."
"Do you enjoy it?"
"At first, I wasn't sure. I thought it might be an interim job while I figured out what I wanted. But I love it. And the odds are good I'll get a permanent job as a project manager once I graduate. In the meantime, I'm learning a ton."
I shrug again. "So that's me. Nothing earth-shattering. Not like you." I face him more directly. "You've been busy. Two major centers going up on opposite sides of the country. That's impressive."
"You've been keeping tabs on me."
My skin flushes. "Maybe."
"I like that." He draws his finger along my naked arm, making me shiver. "I like it a lot." He takes my hand, presses it to his mouth. "The world shifted for me when I saw you in Stark's office, Penny. I told you once we can't fight reality." He holds up his tattooed wrist. "We're meant to be together. As far as I'm concerned, that's a basic, core truth. I knew it the moment I met you, and I've only grown more sure with time."
I turn away, scared by how right his words feel. "Blake ..."
The room phone rings, and he grabs it. I draw a breath, relieved by the interruption.
"Thank you," he says, then hangs up the phone with a scowl. "My car is here. Dammit, they were supposed to text a fifteen-minute warning." He glances at his cell, then looks at me. "Well, shit. I forgot to charge it. I was a little distracted last night."
I manage to wobbly smile. I know he has to rush to meet his plane, but I'm regretting the loss of those fifteen minutes.
"Why don't you come with me?" he asks once his duffel is packed and slung over his shoulder. "We can have the week we didn't take in Hawaii in New York. I'll take you to the opera, a bawdy Off-Broadway play. I'll make love to you on my balcony, and buy you a glass of wine at this little cafe near Columbus Circle."
Immediately my chest tightens. "Are you serious?"
"Baby, don't you see that I love you?"
"No--" I shake my head, my heart thudding in my chest. "You can't say that. Not yet. It's too fast."
This is what I was afraid of that first time. The impetuousness of going off book and running away with a stranger to Hawaii. The fear now that if I say I love you, I'm tempting the gods.
Love at first sight means that control is out of the equation. It means giving in to pure emotion. But how can that be real? God knows it was never real for my mom.
"Pen?"
"I can't." My voice is choked, and I realize that I'm crying. "I'm so sorry, but I can't."
For a moment I think he's going to argue. To try to convince me that, yes, of course, I can. But he nods sadly, then bends to kiss me. "All right," he says. "You know where Manhattan is if you change your mind." He cups my cheek. "Penny," he whispers. "I won't say I'm in love with you. Not if it scares you. But I will say that I could easily fall in love with you. And I think you could fall in love with me. Give us a chance, baby. Change your mind and come to New York."
And then he's gone, and I'm left standing in an empty hotel room, feeling more lonely than I ever have in my life.
I sit on the edge of the bed and let the tears flow, mourning the loss. Because the truth is, I want him here. I want him beside me whether it's in New York or here. It doesn't matter.