I can’t believe this night isn’t over yet. The entire day has been one mess after another. I ease my bus out of my coveted parking spaces and head down the street. This trip is going to use all my gas. As it is, I only have a quarter of a tank, and I probably get two miles per gallon. I shift the yellow beast into gear and stop thinking about it. The raccoon stirs in the back. As long as he stays back there, I’m okay. If he jumps on my head, well, that’s another issue.
A few turns later, I stop the bus in front of an old brownstone in the nicer part of town. I cut the engine and pull the lever that opens the doors. I leave them open and rush up the sidewalk, my guts twisting inside my body. I feel sick. He’s going to tell me to get lost. I have no right being here, in fact, now that I am I feel kind of stalkery.
I stop on his porch and turn back toward the street. The raccoon is sitting in the stairwell of the bus with his beady black eyes narrowed at me. His hindquarters hunch down like he’s saying, ‘Back off bitch, this is my bus!’ He hisses at me.
I whisper loudly back at him. “I had to come, so suck it up you oversized rat.”
I feel eyes on me and the hairs on the back of my neck prickle. There’s a breeze behind me. That’s not possible if the door is closed. I groan inwardly and turn.
Nathan is furious until he looks past me to see my travel companion. “Holy shit! Is that a raccoon?”
I sigh and nod. “Yes. He came with the vehicle.”
Nathan blinks at me. Tears glisten at the tips of his clumped lashes, and his cheeks are flushed.
“I’m sorry," I say. "I shouldn’t have come.”
Nathan watches me, quiet for a moment. Our eyes lock, and my stomach dips. The world around me fades away and that pull toward him is there again. It consumes me, spreading from my fingertips to my toes. I want to touch his face and feel his warm skin under my hand. I want to step closer and press my lips to his cheek and kiss away his tears. But most of all, I want to wrap my arms around him and never let go.
Okay, maybe the raccoon was right. I am a stalker.
Nathan looks down at me, his anger visibly fading away. The barriers that jutted up in the classroom are gone. He’s the guy with the notepad, and I’m the girl who can’t walk away. But I have to. This was a bad idea. How am I supposed to be his friend when my brain gets gunked up with pheromones whenever I see him? I suck in a shaky breath and smile awkwardly. “I’ll be going now. Sorry.”
I turn away from him, and it feels like the air has been pulled from my lungs, but I manage. As my foot hits the first step, I feel his fingers wrap around my wrist, stopping me. I glance back at him.
“Don’t.” Before I can ask what that one word means, he pulls me up the step and to his chest. His arms wrap tightly around me, and he whispers against the top of my head, “Don’t go.”
Chapter 4
Nathan takes my hand in his and leads me inside. He closes off the rest of the world with the door, and I’m no longer certain why I’m here. I came to comfort him, but I’d been thinking in a friendly way. This doesn’t feel platonic. Actually, it’s impossible not to notice the carnal attraction between us. It’s lust on steroids combined with a healthy dose of Pixy Stix. It’s hot, charged, and ready to run all night. Beating those feelings back will be difficult, but we have to, don’t we? It’s not like my presence will go unnoticed. There’s a hugeass yellow bus out front, and my rabid raccoon
will ransack the neighbors’ garage before we go. I don't exactly travel in stealth mode.
Looking around, I’m surprised Nathan's place feels this nice. It’s like home, but better. Nathan releases my hand as we walk down a narrow hall into the back of the house. It’s gunshot-style with straight lines and Art Deco details probably added later. Different-sized canvases line the walls, all with a similar style.
I want to run my fingers over them, even though it’s a cardinal sin to do so. I’m sure he made them and touching one would be like feeling his soul. I startle at the thought and jerk to a halt. I’m not like this. I sound insane, even to me. Touching his soul? That’s the talk of a crazy chick. Maybe she’s been living inside me all this time. Maybe I’m going to turn into my mother and be a cradle-robbing freak. Maybe crazy is hereditary and I have it in spades.
Nathan is watching me. I’m staring at a smaller canvas, lost in worry. “You didn’t deserve what I said earlier. I’m so sorry, Kerry.”
“It’s okay. You were shell-shocked. So was I.” I cut my gaze to the side to look at him. “So what now?” Because I feel like we’re already friends, but I still want to be with you. I can’t say that, so I throw the ball back in his court and bite my lip to keep from babbling.
He breathes in deeply and leans against the opposite wall with his hands behind his back. He tips his chin up and closes his eyes. “I don’t know. The past few weeks have been horrible. The only thing helping me get through them was you. I want…” He breathes in deeply, then opens his eyes, electrifying the connection between us.
I feel my lips tingle as I think about kissing him. I want my thighs to grip his hips as I straddle him and lean down to kiss those perfectly pink lips. He’s supposed to be a fuckbuddy, and that’s what we both feel. If he admits it, maybe it won’t be so bad. We could work it out, somehow.
He tries again. “I want to make sure I don’t lose you. The best way to do that is to be friends. I know it’s not what either of us wanted or planned. I actually like you—a lot. I love your voice and hearing what you're thinking. The way you surprise me puts a smile on my face even on an otherwise gloomy day. You’re the type of person that comes by so rarely, I don’t want to miss it.”
I nod slowly and do it so many times that I feel like a doll, and someone is bobbing my head. I’m thinking soulmate while he’s thinking drinking buddy. Shit. But, still—I can do that. I think. My eyes cut to the side, and I smile at him. “Got it.”
He’s quiet for a moment and then asks, “What do you want?” He presses his lips together, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. His gaze is on the floor. “I’d like to know. And you don’t have to agree with me. Why’d you come here tonight? What did you hope would happen?”
Just say it. The truth isn’t that bad. Stop thinking, Kerry! You thought through everything with Matt and look where that led—he broke your heart. If you control this, if you call the shots, then it can’t turn out that way. The words tumble out of my mouth, and I feel brave, reckless, and free. It’s the insane trifecta I need so I don’t back down and chicken out.
I turn to him, stepping in front of him before he can move away from the wall. “I need some comfort, and you do, too. I know this can’t be, that it’s not a long-term thing. Neither of us wanted that before, and let's face it—for all practical purposes, we have the weird relationship weirdness without the perks. I think we should finish that and move on. If friendship is next, I’m game. If there’s nothing after this, that’s fine. I don’t want to think about tomorrow, and I'm dying to forget today. I figured you might want that, too.”
By the time I say the last word, we’re lip to lip. I’m close enough to kiss him, to press my body against his, but I don’t. I leave the slight distance because I need him to say it’s all right. He has to know this isn’t some kid crush. “Listen, you’re not taking advantage of me. That’s not what this is. I know what I need. I need a rebound guy. You need a distraction, someone who won’t be around in the morning to cause problems. It’s a one-time thing. It doesn’t need to be more.”
Nathan’s breathing is heavier. With every breath, his chest swells and his nipples brush against mine through his shirt. The touch is faint, barely there. His eyes lock on mine, and I know he’s torn. Pushing him is cruel, but we’re on a clock. It’s tonight or never. Before this, no one would question the hookup. Before tonight, I didn’t know he was a teacher, and he didn’t realize I was a student. All that baggage becomes an elephant in the morning.