DESERVED
We barely fit through the front door of Billings with all our bags and packages. Everyone was talking jovially, reviewing their purchases, striking deals over who could borrow what from whom. Clearly retail therapy was a legitimate method of treatment for depression. At least inside the circle. "Reed, you have to stop by and try on that red dress for us again," Shelby demanded. Perhaps the first words she'd ever spoken to me unbidden. Not that I was feeling bitter toward her right then. Right then I was loving everyone. "I think I have a pair of Louboutins that would go perfectly."
"The strappies with the gold? Totally!" Portia agreed. "Why don't we all go back to my room now and we can all show everyone what we bought? " I suggested, not wanting the party to end. I was too high on this freedom from guilt I was feeling. Wanted to keep it at bay. And bonding with the girls was fun. It had been so long since we'd allowed ourselves to have fun. "Fashion show!" Vienna and London sang, throwing their arms up. "Fab idea," Portia said happily. I laughed and turned to Sabine. "Okay, is it just me, or is everyone suddenly my best friend?" I whispered. "This is what happens to women in power," Sabine replied with a laugh, reaching out to squeeze my hand. "Get used to it. You deserve it." My chest swelled with pride, even though it seemed ridiculous that anyone might think I deserved this. But if that was what they really felt, I wasn't about to argue with them. I just wanted to hold on to this. I just wanted to feel this good for as long as possible. We all tromped up the stairs to the top floor together, a mass of flipping hair, swinging shopping bags, and laughter. I was just about to turn and open the door to my room when someone stepped out into the hallway. Stepped out into the hallway from Cheyenne's room.
"There you are! I've been waiting for hours for someone to get back here and help me unpack all my shit!" We all stopped short, slamming into one another, tripping forward. The laughter died. There was no way I was seeing who I thought I was seeing. But there she was. Thick brown hair. Imperious chin. That mischievous glimmer in her eyes. Noelle Lange was back.
* * *
"Noelle! Oh my God! What are you doing here?" After they recovered from their shock, everyone rushed forward, shrieking and shouting questions. Noelle was engulfed by the crowd as they all tried to hug her at once, their bony elbows and designer watches banging together. I, however, was rooted to the spot. As were the rest of the juniors. Constance, Sabine, Astrid, Kiki, Missy, and Lorna. They didn't know Noelle. In fact, most of them probably feared her. But that wasn't why I wasn't moving. I was simply too stunned to control my motor functions. How could she not have told me she was coming back? I'd seen her just last weekend. She had to have known. But she had acted aloof, mentioning all the places she wanted to travel to now that she was off probation. Had she wanted to surprise me, or was this another one of her games? God, I hoped it was the former. Finally, the crowd around Noelle thinned out a bit and she looked right at me. Looked right at me and smirked. "Surprise!" she said. She moved forward through the throng, walked right up to me, and hugged me. It was a real, firm, full-body hug. Not one of those stiff things you give someone you're supposed to like but don't. Her signature scent enveloped me, that slightly spicy, slightly flowery perfume she'd worn for as long as I'd known her. I instantly relaxed.
"Noelle. Why didn't you--" "Tell you? And miss the look on your face right now? Please," Noelle said, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "A girl likes to have her fun." The seniors chuckled knowingly. The juniors shifted in discomfort. I couldn't have torn my eyes away from Noelle if I'd tried. She reached for my hands and spoke in an intimate tone, as if no one else was there. "You're finally going to see Billings the way it's supposed to be." There was a lump in my throat the size of a soccer ball. How did she know exactly what I wanted to hear? Now that she was back--back where she belonged--Billings was Billings again.
Noelle's eyes slid past my shoulder. "Do I know you?" I glanced behind me just as Sabine replied, "No. I don't think so." "Noelle Lange, this is Sabine DuLac," I said, lifting a hand in introduction. "She's a transfer this year." "A pleasure," Noelle said with a small smile. "I've heard so much about you," Sabine gushed. "Really? I've heard nothing about you," Noelle replied, looking bored as she picked an invisible piece of lint off her Chaiken sweater. Sabine's excited expression crumbled and she shot me a betrayed and embarrassed look. I wanted to explain that I would have told Noelle all about her if I'd had any contact with the girl whatsoever before last weekend. But it seemed too lame to try to explain right then in front of everyone, and people were starting to chatter again, asking Noelle where she'd been and whether she'd heard from Kiran Hayes or Taylor Bell and what was up with her and Dash. Questions I was dying to hear the answers to. "Come on, Reed. I've got some presents for you," Noelle said over her shoulder, as the others ushered her toward her room. Presents? This just got better and better. I shot Sabine an apologetic look, resolved to explain later, and followed Noelle. Just like old times.
THE FUTURE OF BILLINGS
"So, what is up with you and Dash?" Shelby asked as Noelle flipped open the top of her Louis Vuitton trunk. I held my breath as she stood up straight. She shot a conspiratorial look over her shoulder. "Dash is fine," she said, deftly avoiding the real question. Did she not want our friends to know they'd broken up? And if not, why? "Have you heard he was the only freshman at Yale to make the sailing team?" As the other girls "oohed" and "ahhed" over this achievement, my insides burned. How did she know this and I didn't? She was supposed to be broken up with him, and he'd been e-mailing me since the beginning of the year. Maybe I wasn't worthy of the big news. Not like Noelle. "So, this Cromwell guy is kind of a jackass, huh?" Noelle said, tossing an armful of cashmere sweaters and scarves from the trunk into a drawer and slamming it shut. For a girl who owned some of the most expensive stuff available to womankind, she had never treated any of it with all that much respect. To her, everything was replaceable, expendable. She had an endless supply of luxury at her fingertips.
London, Vienna, Tiffany, Portia, Rose, Shelby, and I were all gathered around the room, but none of us dared answer. Everyone was clearly a tad freaked at being back in Cheyenne's room now that her parents had cleaned it out. They must have come and gone while we were shopping. It seemed so empty, even with Noelle's bags piled everywhere. So eerie. I couldn't speak for anyone else, but I had this creepy feeling that someone was watching us. Judging us. "What?" Noelle asked, noting the silence. "We hate him," London blurted."That's an understatement," Portia said."H
e killed Cheyenne," Vienna put in.Whiplash. "What?" I steadied myself against Cheyenne's--no, Noelle's--desk."Everyone knows it," London said, her eyes wide. "He expelled her, then she killed herself that night. We all know she, like, lived for this place. Ergo--"
"Everyone here blames him," Tiffany said, adjusting the long lens on her old-school camera.How did I not know this? Maybe because I'd been too busy obsessing about who Cheyenne herself had blamed. "If he hadn't been such an unyielding asshole--" "Tell me about it," Noelle said, rolling her eyes. "My dad had to threaten to close this place down before he let me back in." "Close down Easton? Could your dad do that?" I asked, although it wouldn't really surprise me. "Not in so many words. But he could sue... and sue... and sue," Noelle said with a laugh. "And trust me, Daddy's pockets are far deeper than Easton's. Eventually, this place would have crumbled. Once Cromwell understood that fact, he caved like a cheap wedding tent." "Wow. He must be PO'd," Portia said, perching on the edge of the single bed. Cheyenne's parents had removed all her custom furniture, so now the standard-issue Billings stuff was back. At least until Noelle redecorated.
"Oh, he is. Believe me," Noelle said, tossing her iPod on the desk. "Have you guys seen how he gets all shaky when he's angry? It's very Frankenstein's monster." Everyone laughed, but Noelle scrunched her nose and ran her finger across the surface of the desk. "What's this? Did you guys hold a Studio 54 party in here?" Her fingertip was caked in some kind of thick white dust. "That's probably left over from when the police dusted for fingerprints," Tiffany said, staring at Noelle's finger. "The desk is the only piece of Billings furniture Cheyenne was using, so..." Noelle's jaw dropped as she looked around at us. "They dusted for prints? Why? I thought it was suicide." "It was," Rose said quietly, staring out the bay window. "They just..." "Wanted to make sure," I finished, swallowing hard. "Guess they're a tad suspicious when it comes to Easton," Portia said wryly.
Noelle's expression darkened. She looked toward the opposite side of the room. The side of the room that had once belonged to Ariana Osgood. To her best friend. To the girl who had turned out to be a cold-blooded killer. "Gee. I wonder why," Noelle said. For a moment no one spoke, but then Noelle slapped her hands together to clear away the dust. "So. What else is going on around here?" she asked, dumping the contents of her massive cosmetics bag into the top drawer of the desk. "I mean, aside from this Driscoll Dinner thing that Cromwell kept spewing about at our meeting." The Driscoll Alumni Dinner. Right. I had completely forgotten about it in all the drama. The dinner was to be held at the Driscoll Hotel this Saturday, the central event of alumni weekend. Every student had been required to join a committee to help plan or work at the event. Sabine and I were going to be servers. I felt a skitter of nerves down my spine as I wondered for the millionth time if Dash was planning on attending, but I quickly and guiltily banished the thought, as if Noelle could read my mind.
"Oh my God! We're getting a Coffee Carma!" Vienna announced, bubbling up the mood considerably. "Oh, yeah. Amberly is a freshman this year. I totally forgot. I'll have to go say hi before my mother calls me and starts badgering me to," Noelle said. "Right. You guys know each other," I said. "Oh, so you've met our little Amberly." Noelle was amused. "She gave Reed a Carma Card," London said petulantly. "Not surprising. I've told her all about Billings and you in particular, Reed," Noelle said. "She must be laying the groundwork. Smart girl." Noelle placed a jewelry box on the dresser. "What else?" "Well, you heard about the Legacy, obvi," Portia said, flinging her glossy black hair over her shoulder. "Yeah. That's such a crock," Noelle said, sifting through her makeup. She selected a tube of M.A.C. lip gloss and opened it. "Someone will step up and throw the thing. Believe me, one unfortunate incident will not stop the Legacy."
"You think?" London asked hopefully. "I know," Noelle replied, whipping open a gold compact mirror and touching up her bottom lip. "Well, just in case, Reed came up with an alternate plan," Tiffany said. "A fabulous alternate plan," Rose added. Noelle raised one eyebrow, her lip gloss wand pausing just millimeters from her top lip. "And what's that? "We're going to throw our own Halloween masquerade!" Vienna exclaimed. "In Cheyenne's honor," Shelby added. I watched Noelle expectantly. Hopefully. I wanted her approval. Even after all this time. "Really?" Noelle continued with her makeup application. "How very industrious of you, Reed. Look at you, taking all the initiative. I'd say, 'You go, girl,' but it's just so passe."
I smiled and shook my head. That was about right. That was about as much praise as I was ever going to receive from her. But still, it felt good. "And Reed's our new president!" London said, coming over to fling her arm around me. Noelle snapped the compact closed. My chest instantly tightened with dread. The look on her face was unreadable. Anger? Shock? Both? I felt myself backpedaling like mad. I didn't want to step on her toes. She was Noelle Lange. Who was I to be president of Billings if Noelle Lange was here? "Well, well," Noelle said, crossing her arms over her chest as she eyed me. "Glass-Licker's come a long way." "Well, I mean... now that you're back, things are different," I stammered. "Obviously you're the one who should be... I mean, if you'd been here, there's no way I would have been elected." Noelle simply looked at me. Nobody argued my point. Thanks for the support, girls. So much for them thinking I was the patent choice. Although I couldn't really blame them. This was Noelle. Even I knew she should be president. I cleared my throat. If I was going to do this, if I was going to give up the coveted presidency so soon after winning it, I was going to do it with some dignity. Not like a stammering idiot.
"This place was not the same without you," I said evenly. "It's always felt like your house to me. So if you want the presidency, it's all yours." Everyone looked at Noelle. I tucked my hands into my back pockets and held my breath. Slowly, her lips turned up in a smile. "That's sweet of you, Reed, really, but no thanks." I blinked, stunned. Relieved, but stunned. "What?" Portia blurted, voicing the word bubble hanging above all our heads. Noelle shrugged and tossed the lip gloss back in the drawer. "Look, technically, I shouldn't even be here. I should have graduated last year, but, well, things happen. I'm only here to prove to the Ivies that I want to do the work. That I don't expect special treatment." The incredulity was obvious on my friends' faces. Noelle didn't expect special treatment? She had never known life without it. Even among the most privileged girls in the country, she was privileged. And she never let anyone forget it.
"You're the future of this place, Reed," Noelle said, turning to face me. "All I want is to make sure that when I do finally leave here, I leave it in good hands. And I couldn't imagine better hands than yours." Whoa. Everyone looked at me, impressed. Now that was praise. Even though the girls of Billings had voted me in, even though the vote had been unanimous, this was true validation. "Thanks, Noelle," I said warmly. "You're welcome." She smiled, an unreadable--maybe teasing?-- glint in her eye. "Madame President."
JOSH'S MANTRA
The next morning at breakfast, Josh picked up a coffee cup and slammed it onto his tray. He held a bowl under the cereal dispenser and jammed down on the lever. I heard a crack, and was surprised when the plastic handle didn't break off. When the bowl overflowed with Apple Jacks, he cursed under his breath, grabbed a handful of cereal, and tossed it toward the garbage can behind the counter. Little orange and green Os rained everywhere. I think only one hit the actual can. All around us, students studiously avoided the topic of Cheyenne and her memorial service, and instead buzzed about alumni weekend, coming up at the end of the week. They chatted about what they would wear, about which illustrious graduates might attend, about how best to sneak alcohol out of the Driscoll Hotel on Saturday night. But it was clear that Josh and I would not be participating in such frivolous banter.
"My woman's intuition is telling me something's bothering you," I joked, trying to lighten his mood. He looked at me like I was the enemy. "I can't believe she's back. How the hell could they let her back in?" I took a deep breath. Noelle. Of course. What else could possibly be bothering him? But I had to remind myself that he had good reason to hate her. She had been all too ready to pin Thomas's murder on him last year, even though she had suspected all along that it had been Ariana. And even if Josh had never been arrested, he would have been totally justified in hating her simply for the role she'd played in his best friend's death. She, Kiran, Taylor, and Ariana had kidnapped Thomas from his room and brought him out to the woods, where they had tied him up and basically left him scared and alone. All to teach him a lesson. All to make him feel as helpless and humiliated as he'd made me feel the evening before at a party in the woods. What they had done was awful, but it had been Ariana who had gone back and murdered him. The others hadn't known of her sadistic jaunt. In my opinion, Noelle and the others had messed up big-time, but they hadn't intended for Thomas to die. They had simply thought they were playing a prank. That was the way I justified it. The only logic that helped me sleep at night.
"Well, apparently her parents threatened to sue and that was that," I said calmly, adding a bagel to my tray. I pushed up the sleeves of the black V-neck cashmere sweater Noelle had given me--one of many gifts, which included Miu Miu boots, a Tiffany monogrammed lock necklace, and an iPhone--hoping he wouldn't ask me where it had come from. She'd said she was making up for the fact that she'd missed my birthday last year. And Christmas. And something about Flag Day. "Shocker. Gotta love America. They should rename the country Litigation Nation," he grumbled. He took a deep breath and blew it out through his nose, placing his hands on his hips. "You have to get out of Billings now. With her back, it's going to be just like it was last year."
"No. It's not," I replied. "Really? How do you figure?" he asked. "Well, for one, I'm in charge," I told him. "They elected me president, remember? Which, by the way, you haven't even congratulated me on." Josh exhaled audibly and gave me a sheepish look. "You're right. I'm sorry. Congratulations. At least they got somethin
g right over there." "Thank you," I said with a nod. It was the highest praise my Billings sisters were going to get from him. "So Noelle is not going to be running things this year. I am." "Yeah, right," Josh said, picking up his tray and turning toward the cafeteria. My face stung. Did he not realize how insulting that was? "Thanks a lot," I said, following after him. Josh looked at me and his expression softened. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. "He shrugged, gripping his full tray with both hands. "It's just... I know that girl. She's not happy unless she's surrounded by drama and scandal. Come on. Just transfer to Pemberly or something. It's not that big of a deal. And at least it'll get you away from her." "Not that big a deal? I can't just transfer after they elected me!" My skin burned. "And do I have to remind you that Noelle saved my life last year?"
"No. But it wouldn't have even been in jeopardy if it hadn't been for her and her morally suspect Billings friends," Josh replied. "Why can't you see what a cancer that place is?" "God, Josh. Enough already with the 'death to Billings' riff," I snapped. "That's like your new mantra." He pulled his head back, surprised, and his brow furrowed. "I'm only thinking of you." "Yeah, well, I can handle myself, thanks." I turned and stormed away, taking a seat at the opposite end of the table from where we usually sat. He followed after me slowly and, taking my cue, grabbed a seat with Trey at a separate table. As I rather violently shook up my bottle of orange juice, a couple of girls from the freshman soccer team strolled by with their food.
"Hi, Reed," one of them said. "Congratulations on the Billings presidency." "Totally. Congrats," the other echoed. "I love your sweater, by the way." "Thanks," I said, completely caught off guard. I'd never spoken to either of these girls before. Didn't even know their names. How had they heard about the Billings vote? "Listen, my dad works for the New England Revolution and he can get us on the sidelines when they play the Galaxy next spring. We're totally going to meet Becks. Wanna come?" the first girl babbled. I blinked. That was a lot of information. And a seriously sick offer--meeting all those pro players. "Um, who could turn down a sideline pass?" I said. "What's your name again?" The girl blushed, but gamely answered, "I'm Ava Greene. And this is Demetria Wallace." "Thanks, Ava," I said. "That's very cool of you." "I'm just so glad you're in!" Ava replied. "Well, see you at practice!" They strode off together, their heads bent close as they gabbed. "Yeah. See ya," I replied to thin air. Okay. That was bizarre. But I guess being president of Billings came with perks I hadn't even thought of.
I glanced over at Josh as I reached for my bagel, wondering if he'd noticed. He chewed mechanically on a doughnut, staring straight ahead and looking morose. I felt a pang of both sorrow and irritation in my chest. I loved that he cared. I really did. But I was starting to wonder if there was such a thing as caring too much
* * *