I dropped my hand and stepped back, studying her a little longer without saying a word. She was doing some looking of her own and that hungry look never left her eyes, but still there was that healthy dose of caution and fear mixed in. Good! At least she understood.
“I'm going up to my room, you've got ten minutes to decide. If you choose to do this, just walk through the door, if not, just stay away. We'll forget this ever happened and you can find someone else to guard you tomorrow. But if you walk through that door you accept me on my terms.” I turned and left the room without a backward glance.
I headed into the shower for a quick rubdown and was out in less than five. I restrained myself from looking at my watch and ignored the pitter-patter of my heart. I had as much to lose here as she did and I knew it, and there wasn’t shit I could do about it. It was too late for that.
If she flaked I’m fucked, and I’m not talking about her not showing up. No, it’s even worse. My guts were all tied into this thing now, but I couldn’t force her decision. That had to be all her. Once she made the first move, then I’d take over from there.
On the other hand, if she shows and then somewhere down the line things go sour, I know it would fuck with my head for the rest of my life. I’ve known myself for a long fucking time and I know when I’m all in.
No use bullshitting myself that all I wanted from her was just a quick fuck or two until the job was done. I wanted all of her or none at all. I’ve grown a fucking vagina. What’s next? Sitting outside her door, whining like a puppy wanting to be let in?
In the space of a couple weeks she’d worked herself into the hardest heart of any man I know. I’d spent my life protecting myself from this shit, never wanted any part of it. But here it is. I didn’t think I would need that protection here, so left myself open, and in she walked.
As I looked at myself in the mirror and my mind played over the last few days I realized that that thing I was missing with Zeta, she had it in spades. It was written all over her, like an imaginary string tugging me towards her. I know what the fuck that shit means. I’d fucked myself royally this time.
The game had changed and the ball was in her court, but not for long. If she made the mistake of walking through that door her life will never be the same and maybe I could get my peace of mind back. I hope she knows what the fuck she’s doing. I also hope I can soon stop having these internal battles with myself, this shit is all kinds of fucked up.
8
She’s turned me into a moron, like she’s Pavlov and I’m the damn dog. If she only knew that she had me tied up like this she’d own my ass no doubt. Fucking females do have the power after all it seems. Unless and until you meet ‘the one’, you’ll never guess that shit.
I know now I’d only skated by, evading that net, that lure because I hadn’t yet met her. I was completely wrong in my assessment that one pussy was as good as another. I haven’t even had her yet, but I already know now that no one else will ever do, no matter what her decision. That for the rest of my life, she would always be ‘it’.
That’s not easy for someone like me to accept, it gives her too much power over me. I hate giving up power, but for some reason, the man who’d fought tooth and nail his whole life to blaze his own trail and not give a fuck, was more than willing to lay it all down for a girl who wasn’t even born when he made that decision.
Not only does she have me twisted as fuck, it’s the point of who she is. The antithesis of everything I ever imagined I’d want. I wasn’t dumb enough not to know there were two sides to her. Unlucky for her I’d fallen for both of them. The Hollywood starlet and the sweet little farm girl.
Only time will tell how this was all going to play out. How we were going to mesh our lives together. I hope like fuck she knows I wasn’t bullshitting when I said I wanted to own her completely. I can’t have it any other way.
Since I’d never imagined settling down with any one woman, no one ever taught me and I never paid too much attention to the whole relationship thing. So fuck me if I come at this shit the way I do everything else, full bore.