"We're not confused, Olaf," Violet said.
Esmé turned to Violet and gave her an angry glare. "You and your siblings will call this man Gunther," she ordered, "or you will make me very, very sorry I took you into my glamorous home."
Violet looked at Klaus, and then at Sunny, and quickly made a decision. Arguing with somebody is never pleasant, but sometimes it is useful and necessary to do so. Just the other day, for example, it was useful and necessary for me to have an unpleasant argument with a medical student, because if he hadn't let me borrow his speedboat I would now be chained inside a very small, waterproof room, instead of sitting in a typewriter factory typing out this woeful tale. But Violet realized that it was neither useful nor necessary to argue with Esmé, because her guardian had clearly made up her mind about Gunther. It would be more useful and necessary to leave the penthouse and try to figure out what to do about the reappearance of this dreadful villain, instead of standing there and bickering over what name to call him, so Violet took a deep breath and smiled up at the man who had brought so much trouble into the Baudelaire lives.
"I'm sorry, Gunther," she said, almost choking on her false apology.
"But--" Klaus started to argue, but Violet gave him a look that meant the Baudelaires would discuss the matter later, when there weren't any adults around. "That's right," he said quickly, understanding his sister's glance at once. "We thought you were someone else, sir."
Gunther reached up to his face and adjusted his monocle. "O.K., please," he said.
"It's so much nicer when no one is arguing," Jerome said. "Come on, children, let's go to dinner. Gunther and Esmé have to plan the auction, and they need the apartment to themselves."
"Let me just take a minute to roll up my sleeves," Klaus replied. "Our suits are a little big."
"First you complain that Gunther is an impostor, then you complain about your suits," Esmé said, rolling her eyes. "I guess it goes to show you that orphans can be in and rude at the same time. Come on, Gunther, let me show you the rest of my glorious apartment."
"See you later, please," Gunther said to the children, his eyes shining brightly, and gave them a little wave as he followed Esmé down the hallway. Jerome waved back, but as soon as Gunther was around the corner, he leaned in close to the children.
"That was very nice of you to stop arguing with Esmé," he said. "I could tell that you weren't completely convinced you had made a mistake about Gunther. But don't worry. There is something we can do to set your minds at ease."
The Baudelaires looked at one another and smiled in relief. "Oh, thank you, Jerome," Violet said. "What did you have in mind?"
Jerome smiled, and knelt down to help Violet roll up the legs of her suit. "I wonder if you can guess," he said.
"We could make Gunther take off his boots," she said, "and we could see if he had Olaf's tattoo."
"Or we could make him remove his monocle and unfurrow his brow," Klaus said, as he rolled up his sleeves, "and we could get a better look at his eyebrow situation."
"Resyca!" Sunny said, which meant something like "Or you could simply ask him to leave the penthouse, and never return!"
"Well, I don't know what 'Resyca!' means," Jerome said, "but we're not going to do those other things. Gunther is a guest, and we don't want to be rude to him."
The Baudelaires actually did want to be rude to him, but they knew it was rude to say so. "Then what will set our minds at ease?" Violet asked.
"Instead of climbing down all those stairs," Jerome said, "we can slide down the banister! It's great fun, and whenever I do it, it takes my mind off my troubles, no matter what they are. Follow me!"
Sliding down a banister, of course, was not going to make the Baudelaires feel any better about an evil person lurking around their home, but before any of them could say so, Jerome was already leading the way out of the penthouse. "Come on, Baudelaires!" he called, and the children followed him as he walked quickly down the hallway, through four sitting rooms, across a kitchen, past nine bedrooms, and finally out of the apartment. He led the youngsters past the two pairs of elevator doors to the top of the staircase, and sat on the banister with a wide grin.
"I'll go first," he said, "so you'll see how it's done. Be careful on the curvy parts, and if you're going too fast you can slow yourself down by scraping your shoes along the wall. Don't be scared!"
Jerome gave himself a push, and in a second he had slid out of view, his laughter echoing off the stairwell as he raced down toward the lobby. The children looked down the stairway and felt their hearts sink with fear. It was not the fear of sliding down the banister. The Baudelaires had slid down plenty of banisters, and although they had never slid down one that was either forty-eight or eighty-four stories high, they were not scared to try, particularly now that regular light was in so they could see where they were going. But they were afraid nonetheless. They were afraid that Gunther had a clever and nasty scheme to get his hands on the Baudelaire fortune, and that they didn't have the faintest idea of what it was. They were afraid that something dreadful had happened to the Quagmire triplets, because Gunther seemed to have time to find the Baudelaires here in their new home. And they were afraid that the Squalors would not be of any assistance in keeping the three children safe from Gunther's crooked clutches. Jerome's laughter grew fainter and fainter as he slid farther and farther away, and as they stood together without a word and looked down the stairway, which curved and curved and curved as far as their eyes could see, the Baudelaire orphans were afraid that it was all downhill from here.
CHAPTER
Five
Café Salmonella was located in the Fish District, which was a part of the city that looked, sounded, smelled, and--if you were to kneel down and lick its streets--probably tasted like fish. The Fish District smelled like fish because it was located near the docks of the city, where fishermen sold the fish they had caught each morning. It sounded like fish because the pavement was always wet from the sea breeze, and the feet of passersby made bubbly, splashy sounds that resembled the noises made by sea creatures. And it looked like fish because all of the buildings in the Fish District were made of shiny, silvery scales, instead of bricks or wooden planks. When the Baudelaire orphans arrived at the Fish District and followed Jerome to Café Salmonella, they had to look up at the evening sky to remind themselves that they were not underwater.
Café Salmonella was not just a restaurant, but a theme restaurant, which simply means a restaurant with food and decorations that follow a certain idea. The theme for Café Salmonella-- and you can probably guess this from its name-- was salmon. There were pictures of salmon on the walls, and drawings of salmon on the menu, and the waiters and waitresses were dressed up in salmon costumes, which made it difficult for them to carry plates and trays. The tables were decorated with vases full of salmon, instead of flowers, and of course all of the food that Café Salmonella served had something to do with salmon. There is nothing particularly wrong with salmon, of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, and liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you are not going to enjoy your meal. And so it was that evening with the Baudelaire orphans. Their costumed waiter first brought bowls of creamy salmon soup to the table, and then some chilled salmon salad and then some broiled salmon served with salmon ravioli in a salmon butter sauce for a main course, and by the time the waiter brought over salmon pie with a scoop of salmon ice cream on top the children never wanted to have another bite of salmon again. But even if the meal had featured a variety of foods, all cooked deliciously and brought by a waiter dressed in a simple, comfortable outfit, the Baudelaires would not have enjoyed their dinner, because the thought of Gunther spending the evening alone with their guardian made them lose their appetite far more than too much pink, flavorful fish, and Jerome was simply not willing to discuss the matter any further.
"I am simply not willing to discuss the matter any further," Jerome said, taking a sip from his water glass, which had chunks
of frozen salmon floating in it instead of ice cubes. "And frankly, Baudelaires, I think you should be a little ashamed of your suspicions. Do you know what the word 'xenophobe' means?"
Violet and Sunny shook their heads, and looked over at their brother, who was trying to remember if he had come across the word in one of his books. "When a word ends in '-phobe,'" Klaus said, wiping his mouth with a salmon-shaped napkin, "it usually means somebody who is afraid of something. Does 'xeno' mean 'Olaf'?"
"No," Jerome said. "It means 'stranger,' or 'foreigner.' A xenophobe is somebody who is afraid of people just because they come from a different country, which is a silly reason for fear. I would have thought that you three would be far too sensible to be xenophobes. After all, Violet, Galileo came from a country in Europe, and he invented the telescope. Would you be afraid of him?"
"No," Violet said. "I'd be honored to meet him. But--"
"And Klaus," Jerome continued, "surely you've heard of the writer Junichiro Tanizaki, who came from a country in Asia. Would you be afraid of him?"
"Of course not," Klaus said. "But--"
"And Sunny," Jerome continued. "The sharp-toothed mountain lion can be found in a number of countries in North America. Would you be afraid if you met a mountain lion?"
"Netesh," Sunny said, which meant something like "Of course I would! Mountain lions are wild animals," but Jerome continued talking as if he hadn't heard a word she said.
"I don't mean to scold you," he said. "I know you've had a very difficult time since your parents' death, and Esmé and I want to do all we can to provide a good, safe home for you. I don't think Count Olaf would dare come to our fancy neighborhood, but in case he does, the doorman will spot him and alert the authorities immediately."